Live apart relationships - how do you do it?

[Goldilocks3Bears]

So I’m divorced with 2 fairly young kids and met a man about six months ago. He’s great and has three kids himself and one of the things I adore about him is that we’re on the same page with the kids coming first.

None of us are in a hurry to want to “settle down” as we are both in our late 40s, both work, both have our kids, social lives etc.

I am personally also enjoying being a girlfriend and in no hurry to move in with any man for a loooong time.

We see each other on our weekends off and sometimes with kids around and we go out for dinner dates etc. during the week.

It’s very much a romance not a fuck buddy thing - we are very affectionate and talk about the big stuff.

Unlike when we were in our 20-30s where there was an urgency to mate 😂 this is more casual and I’m wondering how you do it if you have experience of this and “maintaining” it with everything else going on.

Goldie

Um, what am I missing? Surely you do it by doing exactly what you've described?!
What's the specific problem, what are you worried about?

My boyfriend and I also live apart due to our children, and have delayed moving in together - but we do have a date it mind so that might feel different to your situation.

But in the meantime... We just do what you do!

Relationship of two years here, mid forties, teenage kids. We are committed but keep separate houses. Our time is lovely and precious, and unencumbered by domestic drudgery and blended-family angst.

Separate houses and time apart (and alone) and full lives keeps the intrigue going. Always lots to talk about. We’re always looking forward to the next time...

I’m totally in control of house/kids (although my garden has been transformed by his artistic talents and is vastly improved). Everything in the relationship is equal (no Wifework happening).

Still feels like a novelty! And in a way kinda traditional.. in the sense of really building your relationship without added pressures and getting to know someone for years, before thinking about shacking up with them (I gotta admit that even I don’t want to live alone in my sixties!).

Love it. What you do is.... not spoil it all by moving in!

@Ellisandra I was really just curious about the mechanics that work in other similar relationships, do you have set days you see each other, how do you cope with those weeks where it all goes to shit and you don't (I like my own space a LOT but sometimes when we get to two weeks of no face to face I get a little antsy), do you holiday together, etc.

I'm not looking to change anything but it's all relatively new still..

Goldie

Hi, I could have written your post this morning!
My do doesn't live near me and we see each other weekends and usually 1 week night but as of late it's gone to pot due to him being ill.
Was really looking forward to seeing him this weekend but now it's all off. I do struggle a little, know he can't help being ill but we do really enjoy each other's company so it's hard when we're apart

I've been in a similar relationship for 2 years. We're both in our 40s, have our own houses and I have a teenage daughter so moving in together is definitely not on the agenda, at least not for a long time.

I do miss him when I'm not with him, and I do feel jealous of couples who get to wake up together every morning, etc. but I have to remind myself that we don't have all the domestic arguments which are common with a cohabiting couples and you read so many stories of relationships going sour once people move in together so I have to remember to count my blessings and just look forward to the next time I see him

3.5 years here. Living 6 miles apart. Have been spending my kid free weekends at his plus one night in the week. Weekends i have the kids he will sometime stay over one or two nights. I have kids at home, young teenagers and older independent one too. His are older and don't ever stay at is any more.

We have done holidays together just the two of us and also with all the kids camping, both here and abroad.

Works for us - hoping to set up together once my kids are out of school education. So 4.5 years away still. . I love my time with him but blending my kids and him in one home wouldn't be fair on the or him. All get on fine but the dynamic is different.

Due to work issues he's taken a job almost two hours away starting soon. So we will have to deal with it being not just two homes but also being a LDR too. We'll be fine but I'll miss having him around, even if it's just to pop in for a cuppa, fix something (he's so great at DIY) or have a cuddle and talk over our day before he shoots off to his own place.

I do love having our independence, space and autonomy. Look forward to living together one day though.

@cattycat83 - OMG same here (are you dating my bf??!! ) but I'm thinking we've dodged a bullet and don't have to deal with the manflu and snotty tissues.....

@wantmorenow I totally hear you. I think I'm anti living together for now but if we carry on I can see us doing it once the kids have all flown the nest. The main problem is he lives in a different town from me out in the sticks and I don't particularly want to live there :-)

We haven't mixed the kids yet - that'll be interesting......

No set days, because our lives aren't very set!
We have a few roughly set... one night a week my daughter goes to her father, so that's 'our' night - but only when I'm no working (1 in 3) and not if something else is happening - e.g.last week it was cancelled because he was taking his son on a uni visit.

Similarly, I have 1 in 3 when I get home at midnight from work - that's a default "go to his house".

Other than that, we just work two dates ahead, really.

It's a bit easier for us I expect, because his sons are older so he can leave them home alone. And my daughter (younger) likes him so he can stay at mine with her blessing!

We just look at the week ahead and decide when we're free, and which location is better. And take into account what's going on with the kids... on our regular weekday (2 in 3 Tuesdays) if his son has been out all weekend and they've not seen each other, we might decide I'll go over only after dinner so they get some time together.

It would drive some people crackers, but I'm not a routine person

We do holiday together as a blended family, for the main holiday. That said - we had a villa in Greece last year for 10 days and I only did 7 so they'd have some family time first.

We Skype every day though!

Much easier when you've mixed the kids!
Although of course you can't do it earlier just to make it easy.

Mine will say "is X coming tonight?" and be disappointed when I say no!

It also means we can grab extra time... tonight we're at gymnastics club nearish to him, and we'll call in for dinner on the way home. But if I've been on shifts and not seen mine much in the week, I won't pop in even if I'm driving down his road!

@Ellisandra that's what I'm finding hard as I am a routine person and like to plan ahead, then I'm relaxed because I know I'm organised and he's a bit more last minute herbert :-) We've had to cancel plans quite a lot as one of his kids has struggled and will show up last minute at his but I don't mind that so much as I'd do the same. Saying that, he thought ahead and booked holiday accommodation for us ten months ahead after we'd been dating only a few months "so we could come if we were still together" which I thought was sweet.

We whatsapp a lot and speak on the phone a few times a week too as it's better than texting I find.

Crikey! My fiancé and I found after two months being apart was painful so we moved in together, but despite being early 40s our children live with their partners so no kids at home to worry about!

@fantasmasgoria1 you moved in after two months of dating?! You rebel :-D We'd only been on four dates in those two months due to holidays etc. so that would have been a little extreme in my case :-D

When you've got kids living at home, especially teens and younger, it's a different matter I think but what works for us might not work for others. One of my friends reasoned that you should introduce them asap so that if the kids hate them you can "deal with it" there and then but that has its pitfalls too in my opinion.
I put off telling my kids I was dating someone regular as much because their dad is a giant a-hole and I didn't need him to know. I was not prepared for how delighted my oldest was when he found out - he just wants me to be happy bless him but I was still cautious about it being disruptive in certain ways.

I've been with my fiancé for 7 years, we both late 40s with children at home (he's a single parent too). Had planned to move in with him this year but plans have had to be put on hold for a number of reasons. Now looking at 5 years for the move when all my kids and "hopefully" his will have flown the nest. Its not ideal by any stretch of imagination but I get through it by knowing that definately in 5 yrs time I'll have no responsibilities to anyone but myself and can make the move without guilt.

We are 50 miles apart so we alternate and stay at eachothers houses at the weekends but it is every weekend. I work term time so have scope to stay at his in the holidays.

We won't live together full time for at least another 2 years because of work. Even if we got married RIGHT NOW we still couldnt live together! I'd have to give up work and move to where his current house is (Forces) and it would be career suicide for me. He couldn't move here.

We see each other at any given opportunity and go on holiday together, I go and stay at his if I have some days off, if he's working up near me he stays at mine. We video call each other a lot and text a lot. It could be worse. He could be deployed or I could go away with work for a year on the go and then we'd really struggle to ever see each other.

Funny how things work out though. In the early days, I worried about his lack of commitment and emotional connection with me and that I was the one overly invested, now he's moving away he is the one to seek reassurances that I am going to join him when I kids are independent. He can't wait for us to move in together.

I have a mortgaged house, he rents. I don't want to join him in rented accommodation if possible. Now he is determined to start saving for our 'together place' which he can buy for our future security. That's important for me as I don't want to financially mix our lives too much unless illness, job loss etc forces it.

Two homes means there's no 'wife work'. He helps out at mine and I say thanks as it's appreciated. I help out when at his, he says thanks and appreciates it. More equality, respect and kindness than I have had in any previous relationship.

These comments are all really great to read as I can see some of my ups and downs are normal to these kinds of relationships.

I've had a few times in the past six months where our diaries have been impossible and I've thought "are we actually even dating or are we penpals" but I guess this is the nature of the beast and we always "bring it back" the next time we see eachother.

I have zero interest in sharing houses etc. and I think he finds that reassuring as he's doing pretty well for himself and has had previous dates circling like vultures wanting to set up home, move in etc.

It is very possible to have a deeply committed relationship whilst living in two independent homes. When my house move got delayed He moved my stuff into storage, let me live with him (only a week, but could have been more) then moved all my stuff again from storage into the new place. My kids were included in the offer of lodgings (and the stinky dog).

He is my partner, my best friend and my rock. We just have two homes and enjoy not blending the kids and finances. I do joke that it is entirely possible that when we do move in together, it will be on the understanding that it'll be a trial as we may prefer living apart. Who knows?

Being older and not raising kids together allows so much freedom to define the relationship that works for us without the societal expectations that I felt when I was younger. May even marry the man before we live together if it suits us. Our choices.

Haha goldilocks I hope not! Yeah but I'm never ill so don't care if he is..I will look after him!!
Reassuring as you said to hear similar stories

Same situation here - approx 2.5 years, we live 50 miles apart and apart from the distance, it's work that means we only see each other at weekends. We speak/FaceTime every day.

I agree with some the benefits others have said, like not compromising on your house, each of you does their own housework, the time you do have together is very 'protected' if that makes sense. It also means that when I have had a really stressful day at work, I can just come home and fume silently, without having to make an effort to chat (and he doesn't have to see me being a miserable, grumpy cow).

On the downsides, some mornings I'd just like a hug before I go to work. Also, if one of us has to be away for a weekend then we don't see each other for two weeks which I hate.

For me though, the thing that niggles the most is that sometimes I think I avoid taking about 'heavier' things as the time we have together is so precious and I don't want to lower the mood. There might be worries at work, about my family, or just stuff i'dv like to chat over and when we're together I think 'I'll leave it, we're having such a lovely time'. When we speak at night, I'm too knackered for nothing more than general chit chat!

We are EOW plus a weeknight or two. Twenty five miles apart. We get on well with each other’s kids so that’s great.

The only downsides for me are:

1. both of us sitting alone in our respective sitting rooms of an evening with our kids holed up in their rooms - sometimes it’s a bit frustrating and I think ‘this is daft’! But then I remind myself that the only other option is face the major blending strife..
2. Finding time to commit to other stuff e.g. if I go and see my sibling who lives a train ride away while my dc are with their dad then that’s 2 weeks apart and I can’t handle that at all!! That’s rubbish. I am neglecting that sibling and feel bad. But then that’s life with co-parenting, everything compartmentalised. Aside from that the two rules are ‘no stress’ and ‘do what you gotta do for the kids/work’ - it seems to work. Living apart - much better for equality and respect = no slipping into those gender roles = very very good for the relationship.

My dh and I met three and a bit years ago online - lived 60 miles apart. Got married last summer - still live 60 miles apart. Everyone extremely happy. No immediate plan to live together, will happen in a few years when DD off to uni. Do what works for you 😊 we're smugly madly in love, probably because our lives are combined through choice not domesticity.

Finding time to commit to other stuff e.g. if I go and see my sibling who lives a train ride away while my dc are with their dad then that’s 2 weeks apart and I can’t handle that at all!! That’s rubbish. I am neglecting that sibling and feel bad.

Completely agree. I have family who live a distance away and I feel that I should go and see them more but weekends are at such a premium.

Decided to come in and re-read this as I am struggling with the randomness. His teenage daughter is going through a rough as anything phase and is now at his place EVERY night and then needs running home to her mother's place which means he pretty much can't date at all during the week. She also rocks up when it's not his weekend. There's a lot going on with mum which is causing this anxiety and I have every sympathy as she didn't ask for this situation but it really sucks. Whereas my 'fight or flight' instinct has been to pull the plug on this, I'm giving it a few months to see how it settles with the kids.

Can you really not date when she is around?

I think it is wise to assess however as if some thing isn't right so early on your instinct might be telling you something.