Dealing with dhs anxiety

[Cubicfoot]

Sorry for the jumbled post in advance.

DH has been suffering from anxiety for many many years. He has tried and dismissed therapy, he was on antidepressants but came off them because they made him feel dead inside. I can admit the antidepressants did change him, and he wasn’t like a real person, no emotion etc.

He desperately wants to be fine, and I’d love that too, of course.

He has recently been signed off work due to anxiety, im trying to help but it’s making life hell.

I know it shouldnt be a consideration but it’s screwing us financially as well, which adds fuel to the fire.

He has gone back on to antidepressants, so I hope these work better than the previous ones.

I feel bad for feeling fed up with this, but I do feel frustrated. I don’t know how to help, it seems nothing I can do will help. I don’t really understand what it is like and feel very useless.

Why did he dismiss the therapy? Has he tried CBT?

I think it was CBT, he has done several types. He didn’t think it worked.

I think there is some embarrassment or such that’s stopping it a little too.

If you don't think it will work it won't

True, it’s not the right attitude to have. Personally I think it would be good to try, I’m happy to go along for support.

I bought this book for my kindle on the advise of someone on MN. It is making a lot of sense about how to work with anxiety to manage and then get rid of it. I am at the early stages of this with my DD.

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06Y5V8LNB/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21

Another thing we are doing which my DD's therapist suggested was using a fitbit.

She is using this to monitor her sleep patterns as part of her issues are sleeping during the day and then not sleeping at night. You can also put a mindfulness app on it which reminds you to take a break and to also drink water etc.

I just thought that maybe it helps your dh if he talks to other people who suffer from anxiety.
My dh has ptsd and I know many of those with ptsd find it helpful to talk to other who got the same desease.

I week I most wanted to not go to counseling again was the week I most needed to keep on going because it meant I was getting uncomfortable and starting to address the real issues.

My partner has social anxiety to an extreme level.
His fingers no longer have fingerprints from him wearing away the skin on his fingers. It is a completely debilitating issue and so I know how stressful it can be sometimes for you, as his partner, you are his calm and center.
For my partner at least, his anxiety is better with small things like;
I always enter a room/ shop/ restaurant etc first.
If there is someone unfamiliar nearby ill cater to him - get his food, throw away his rubbish etc.
For someone with anxiety, movement and being seen makes it worse - he believes that everyone is watching him and judging him, so any reduced movement helps him.
Those with anxiety don't like not knowing what theyre doing or if they have little control. So their job can affect it. My partner is a duty manager at a leisure center and knows the ins and outs of everything, so he feels in control of it, but if your partner is in a work environment that is changing a lot or there is a high amount of pressure on him to succeed continuously on a range of differentiating things, this could be making it worse. Could a change of job work?

He could also always try reassurance triggers i.e - an alarm that tells him he's doing well and everythings alright, or perhaps a fidget cube?

Medication isn't always the best fix. My partner had some that has helped, but the small changes i make in his day, my reassurance and love and help means he's weaned himself off of them without even knowing it.

lilwolf This is great advice. For my dh there is also Little thing that help a lt like letting him pick the restaurant we go to, lettting him pick the places and so on.
We have a Codewort for: We need to leave. But I do not understand the alarm bell thingy.

Cubicfoot is good to learn a lot about whatever kind of anxiety desease your spouse has and talk to him a lot (if he wants to).
Sports might be helpful.

Forgot to add. Movement does not make it worse for my dh. It makes it better. I think this is the case for a lot of people with ptsd. They often hate to stand in line, having people in their back and so on and like moving better.
However it is great advice that she should pay attention to those little things and do practical things to help him.

ConfusedWife1234 - you're correct, sorry my post makes it seem very 'this is the only way and anxiety is like hits' - there are so many different forms and variations of anxiety and each person needs their own systems and help :)

I would say the best advice is to just talk to him and see what he thinks might help, try things out and be a part of it with him.

I liked your advice nevertheless, because it is so hands on... and I agree talking to the dh is so important... and telling him not to be shyand tell you, how you can help.

This ain’t gonna get better without therapy. It’s just going to get worse. Anxiety is insidious and spreads when unchecked/pandered to. He’s being very selfish not engaging with treatment and just expecting you to manage his shit. His anxiety must have an impact on you/the family.

I’d make engaging in therapy properly an absolute non negotiable.

Sheep - Sorry, but that's really not true.
Those with anxiety even at extreme levels do not have to have therapy to get better - point in case by the last few posts... therapy could help, it also might not do anything and 'non negotiable' isn't going to help any level of anxiety.
It's worth trying, sure, but dont frighten the OP with such an absolute statement regarding something so inconclusive and variable.

Just thinking out loud... Cubicfoot said he was embarrassed to see a therapist. I know that for those with combat ptsd there are therapeutic apps for those embarrassed to see a therapist. They haven been proven to be effective in clinical trials.

I am not sure if this is the case for other kind of anxiety desease but might be the case.

Anxiety is less likely to improve without therapy

If he ring help himself then I'm afraid there is not much you can do

I would highly recommend HEADSPACE. It is outstanding. If he can properly engage with it, it is highly likely to be s game changer.

That doesn't mean he shouldn't seek therapy. As you know, his attitude towards therapy is very common and is likely to me a measure of how his situation is likely remain unchanged.

He has to help himself

I've had anxiety, depression, panic attacks since I lost DD to cancer. I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

I've had it for years, been seeing a psychiatrist for years and it does ease up. I've just come out of a bought of it, it always passes and that's what I tell myself constantly "this will pass" and it does. There are long periods anxiety free.

Just want to say, the Claire Weaks books recommended above, are brilliant. Buy her books, they help.

lilwolfe - maybe but the people who get better without therapy work really hard at helping themselves, make lifestyle and other changes, read books etc. Which is fantastic but this guy isn’t doing any of that as far as we can tell. It’s very unlikely to just spontaneously improve without him doing/changing anything.

I am educating myself by reading the books, going online. Even if my DD does not read the book, do the research etc. I can guide her along the right path.

One of the things mentioned above by LilWolfe is about control. Having a schedule created by your DH and yourself can help.

My dh also suffers from severe anxiety and has been off work for nearly 3 yrs now. He goes to therapy, but doesn't practice self care (e.g forgets to eat, uses alcohol to quell anxiety or panic attacks.

I go from despair and anger at him to sadness as what he's become. And sad because I used to look on bright side taking things as a sign, it would get better. Yet now, I'm starting to come to terms with possibility he may never improve much.

It's awful, I feel for you.