What the hell to do

[Littlefrogletx]

Hi, this might be long.
I met a man online for a casual thing. It developed and we have been together nearly 2 year's.
I love him there is no question of that. I know he loves me no question of thst.
I have 2dc 12 and 8. He has 1dd 12.
He split from her mum when did was under a year.
He had trust issues. His ex broke had broke his heart. She was a lesbian that said she was bi. She basically wanted a child and maintenance.
He has been single for a long time. He had brief relationships over the years, he was cheated on and had his confidence knocked lots of times over the years.
He hadn't had anything to do with with women for 4 years until I met him. Not even had a one night stand.
I think the casual thing appealed to him with us. We hit it off and were very honest with each other about that but it has grown.
He has made it clear that he wants to spend his life with me and our DC.
When we met I encouraged him to start a business. Something he had done for other people but to set up himself. He did. He said that he would have never done that if we hadn't met.
The business has developed, he's looking at other opportunities to do with the industry that do take a lot of work and time.
This is taking a lot of his time, I understand that.
I can't seem to get him to sit down and talk about out Iong term goals. He will yell me that it's for our future. All of us as a blended family. I have no doubt of that. But he doesn't seem to understand that I want plans, a year or a 2 year plan kind of thing.
Now his dd is having issues with the whole thing. She is very jealous. I know that she's never seen her dad in a functional relationship.
Her mum is very very unstable.
She is a very dependent weed smoker. She is very manipulative and some of the things she does is classed as child abuse. Pawning her daughter belongings for weed. Blaming dd for the fact no one wants her, making her lie about things to my bf. Emotional manipulation.
My bf went through court and got access years ago.
He still plays to her tune and is scared of rocking the boat as his dd is pretty much brainwashed by her mum.
He owns his home. He is very cautious of making sure on his access weekends that he spends time with his dd. As her jealousy is an issue and her mum has told her that her dad hasn't got time for her now he has a gf.
We have talked about all blending as a family in the future.
It's not possible for him to live with me and have access to his daughter at mine due to space and its not possible for me and my dc to live with him due to logistics.
I want plans I want to know where we are going

There are times when I think he could spend more time with me. He is unorganized and although he works v hard he is lazy with other things.
He is determined to make sure his dd has time with him one on one. I respect that. But I think that us spending more time as a family would prepare her for the eventual blending of the family.
He has a very strong desire to provide. And I guess that he's looking at the fact he's taken on 2 other DC on his mind. I don't work through I'll health but I receive benefits and maintenance from ex. I pay my way atm.
I just don't know if I should sit around and wait to see if he can set some plans for future. It's all really complicated.

Run for the hills. I wouldn't want to be involved in this. Sorry

It looks like you need to accept this relationship isn't going anywhere. Call it a day for your own sake and that of your children.

I can't quite get through to him that I want more of his time, I want some kind of plans. I think he is scared. And is very keen to retreat to his own home if things get a bit tough. Silly disagreements we have escalate because of our living arrangements.
If you live with someone for example you would just go to another room give each other a bit of space but he has never lived in this dynamic.
He sees any conflict as the potential end of the relationship. And seems scared to face things.

Why would you want to be with someone who won't talk to you about things, who "yells" at you, and who even after two years together won't commit to you?

You can do better.

That was a typo. Tells not yells.
I'm not go to have anyone yell at me.
My ex was abusive and I've done the freedom course and support from WA.

My friend is in a very similar situation to you.
She has had to accept that despite the mutual love there will not be any plans for the next 2 - 5 (or even 10!) years, and all his issues are dragging her and her children down. She has had to become very mature and distance herself, focus on her kids & her own career and not becoming his 'mum' or a support system for him to depend on. Not a bad thing actually! They still adore each other and meet up when they can, have a good time, support each other emotionally, and dream of growing old together, but creating a blended family in a joint home just isn't going to happen for them now or anytime soon. She would simply exhaust herself in the process and it would without doubt fail.

"I can't quite get through to him that I want more of his time, I want some kind of plans."

His dd is being abused by her manipulative mother, who used him to have said dd for selfish reasons, in the first place. I'm sure his head's a mess with all this. His dd needs more one on one time with her dad, normality, stabability. Not dad plus new gf plus new gf's kids.

"I think he is scared. And is very keen to retreat to his own home if things get a bit tough."

It sounds like his ex has traumatised him a bit. His home will be his haven, (as it should be). If he can't deal with conflict, and you can't deal with that, things will just go round in circles. You'll have the same, petty, non fights, over and over. He'll keep running home.

"I met a man online for a casual thing. It developed and we have been together nearly 2 year's."

It sounds like he wants things to remain casual or as they are, while he sorts out the situation with his dd, and heals a bit. But you want things to get more serious.

He has been apart from dd mum for 11 years. He's had 11 years to heal from her. He was ready to look for something long term. I wanted casual. He liked me. I liked him it developed. We were honest about that from day one.
That's not the issue. I'm not intruding in his dd life in that way.

And vanellope, thank you.
I'm not demanding we live together in the next year or so. I'd be happy with a 5 year plan.
I just don't know how to get it across to him.
I will never ever intrude on his relationship with his dd. But I think both he and she would benefit from the stability of a secure family home rather than the unorganised mess they have been in for years.

"He had brief relationships over the years, he was cheated on and had his confidence knocked lots of times over the years. He hadn't had anything to do with with women for 4 years until I met him. Not even had a one night stand."

So you're his first serious relationship for years?

"He still plays to her tune and is scared of rocking the boat."

^His relationship with his ex is still fucked up. His daughter is suffering abuse because of it.

"I think the casual thing appealed to him with us."

Is his saying you'll all be one big happy family one day, his way of not rocking the boat with you, and keeping things as they are? Not making firm plans or commitments.

"Now his dd is having issues with the whole thing. She is very jealous."

^His daughter clearly sees you as an intruder though.

"I pay my way atm."
What do you mean "atm"?

‘You need to accept this relationship isn’t going anywhere’

Says who? With kids it is very complicated. With unstable parents it’s even more so. Who says there is no commitment here?

He probably feels torn in a million directions and the situation reflects that.

I would say he needs the confidence to get a clear strategy in his head. At the moment he is burying his head in the sand but he also has a lot on his plate.

In your circs I would accept that plans for blending are off the table.

Actually in these particular circs I would run for the hills (substance-using abusive mother destabilising things and calling the shots). But if you want to continue your relationship you need more realistic expectations and shelve plans for a ‘happy ever after’ in the medium term.

Am in a not dissimilar situation and accept that blending may never happen. We may have to continue like this for 10 years. C’est la vie with kids in the mix.

Thank you.
And to the comment about paying my way atm. Yes I run my own home and contribute to things we do together. I pay my way.

I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years. We live 1 hour drive apart. We cannot and would not live together because I don't want to move out of London and move my well settled DC, and he wants to stay close to his DC who live with his ex. My youngest is 7 and his youngest is 8. We virtually have no plan for the future. I don't know where we are going. Sometimes it hurts, but I have resorted to just taking a day by day. We meet or stay over 2-5 times per week. Luckily I have an aupair which helps enormously in the situation. He says he will move to London when his youngest is in secondary, but I take it with a pinch of salt...
Don't have a solution I am afraid!

I think both he and she would benefit from the stability of a secure family home rather than the unorganised mess they have been in for years.

I'm sure they would benefit from that security, but with the history you have given , they must both doubt they can rely on anyone, even you, to provide that.
I think you sound like you are coming from a good place but I suspect there will be no blending til DP's daughter is 18 or so.

But won't your benefits stop if you lived together? So I'm assuming that he would then become responsible for the lions share of household finances for you and your 2 children. That's a big responsibility for someone who has his own dd.
I think his priority should be his child and building his business to create a stable future for him and his dd firstly.
After listening to what he has been through I don't blame him for not wanting to risk everything he has got on another relationship.
Clearly his daughter is having problems and I think you're wrong about what she needs.
I don't think that blending your families 100% is anything near healthy for her right now.
She needs to feel secure with her parent (dad) as a respite from the crap she lives with at home. Introducing another woman and 2 other children won't create that.
Tbh my last relationship was horrific and I know 100% that there's no way I could deal with a situation as potentially drama filled as this. So I get why you dbf retreats to peace and tranauality when conflict arises.
If I'm honest it doesnt sound like he has the mind or heart space or practical time and emotional ability to want anything near what you do and that's fine.
Relationships can and do work without living together and I don't think pushing him into making a life plan that he really can't, or for good reasons, doesn't want to commit to won't help.
I think you need to accept what you want probably isn't going to happen, I guess all you can do is carry on as you are.
However if this is making you really unhappy I would consider ending things.

You don't pay your way, you are in receipt of benefits which are provided for by the tax payer.