To ask if you've survived EA what helped you to leave?

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Dsis is seriously thinking of leaving narcissistic emotionally abusive bil. She's in two minds as they have a dd who is already worried about them splitting up (naturally she loves her father).

Dsis opened up to me and said she's being feeling like this for a year or so, has started referring to it all in EA terms (something we've long suspected), the weight has dropped off her and she's not sleeping. She has limited access to finances since giving up her career to raise their dd, doesn't have a job, he pays her an allowance which he could switch off like a tap (and did so the last time she left him, before they had dd).

I'm playing it very carefully as she's only just beginning to open up, isn't 100% sure and I don't want to scare her off the idea altogether by coming on too strong. I'm trying to be supportive but practical.

I've advised that while she's considering her next steps it would be worth her going along with things (she's not in danger physically) for now but using the time to get some proper legal advice, look to getting a job and getting evidence of what is in various accounts they have - if she has access. I have contacted a friend who works in law (not family law) to get some advice on what she might be entited to if she leaves and how much it might cost etc.

Dsis has changed passwords on her shares accounts and taken photos of what's in them in case he starts moving money around (financial abuse is a strong feature and he's extremely clever where money is concerned).

My concern is that is that having come so far she'll opt to stay put purely because it's so hard to leave. This is the closest she's ever come, and doesn't even seem particularly upset this time about it - she said she doesn't love him, they co-exist and she can't see herself with him in retirement. They've been together 20 years so this is a major step.

How can I help her to leave him? What made you resolute to leave a similar relationship?

Thanks for reading.

If I didn't leave, that would be my life now. And it isn't. The leaving bit is tough, the getting back on your feet bit is tough.
The relief when it finally comes together is overwhelming.

Best thing you can do is to be there for her, let her know that you'll help her and that you can help keep her safe from him.

There should be a domestic abuse service for your area, if she doesn't want to speak to them herself you can speak on her behalf and get advice on how best to help her. They will also be able to advise on what support they can offer her such as assistance with finding housing and access to counselling services.

Bear in mind that if he suspects she's leaving or if she actually does leave, his behaviour will very likely escalate as he will attempt to hang onto his control over her. It's not violent now but it may turn violent, he will attempt to isolate her, and he will use various tactics to attempt to control how other people view her too. Sadly it's never as simple as "just leave" and she'll need to be prepared for that but there are steps she can take such as non-molestation orders, etc.

He's been stonewalling her for a week now.

Bearfrills I understand what you're saying about escalation but I think he'll do that by cutting off her finances.

I always thought that despite everything he was a good dad to my niece, but apparently he's practically ignoring her too - unless she goes out of her way to speak to him What a horrible environment for them both.

You are a very kind sister to want to know how to help.

I'm currently in the process of leaving my similar H. Unfortunately my family live in another country, but my siblings have always been "there" for me emotionally which has helped hugely. A lot of times I felt too embarrassed or depressed to reach out to them, but whenever I did they have always reassured me that I am a good person (not the loser my husband tells me I am), they love me no matter what decision I make, and I deserve to be happy. They have also offered financial help for emergencies etc.

I've also had friends I can sound off to in person or via email. One in particular has been really patient and said very explicitly that she knows it's hard to leave and she's there for me no matter how long it takes or what I decide in the short-term. There is so much mental back and forth before you can actually break free emotionally from the bonds of this kind of relationship, and people who understand that can be much more helpful than someone who gets frustrated and "why hasn't she left already" after the first try or two.

Self-education about narcissism and borderline personality disorder really helped me, got me to a point where I felt like I understood what was going on with him and why he wasn't going to improve.

Also just a reality check from friends and family. People who (like I said) could understand that it's not easy to leave and typically takes several tries, but at the same time could tell me that such and such was not normal in a relationship. You lose all perspective after a while and 20 years ... I've only had 10 years and it's shaped me into such a self-blaming shadow of myself I can't imagine what another 10 years would do.

So after 2.5 weeks of not speaking to her, and then witholding her allowance and finally telling her she could only use his credit card on things for their dd, dsis told him he'd have to tidy up after himself in future as she'd no longer do it. Surprise, surprise, he decided to being speaking again - only to ask why she had not been speaking to him.

Despite all of this, they've apparently chatted (I.e. he's sweet talked her) and things are back to being ok again.

I know it's hard to leave a relationship like this, but I can't help feeling cross that she believes the problem has now gone away and she's taken none of the steps I advised her to (no closer to getting a job, no legal advice sought, no copies of deeds obtained etc etc). She's also practically gone incommunicado again, no updates from her.

Honestly, if she hasn't left him yet I can't see her ever doing so. It's so depressing.

It was realising that it was better for the DCs if I left that made the difference for me. Everybody worries that it'll make things difficult for the father-child relationship, but he would still be able to see her and if your DSis is careful not to badmouth him to her then she will be ok. My kids seem to have a much better relationship with their dad since we left. They also get a regular break from him and see that the way he does life is not the default normal that everybody has.

I would think she'd also want to be confident she'd cope practically for the first few weeks. Where would she and her DD live? How would they cope financially for what could be years of him playing unfair before a divorce settlement?

I left for my daughter. He started to emotionally abuse her - after being a controlling parent anyway. I couldn't do it to her any more.

Now we are happy, she refuses to see him but is mostly fine about that. Financially its hard, but doable.

She has plenty of support as we all live close by and have said that we'd see her right. I really hope she does eventually see the light for her dd's sake, I just don't know what it'll take.

He visited my parents yesterday, breezed in like nothing had happened (said he was working in the area). My dad was very calm, given the circumstances. However he felt he couldn't just ignore what has happened and carry on like it was nothing, so he did express his unhappiness (calmly) at how he'd treated dsis.

Bil claimed there was nothing wrong, said he was pissed off we'd all been involved and tried to needle dad into a reaction, before upping and leaving. My dad's theory is that he knew full well the reception he'd get and that he could use it to isolate dsis again, painting dad as the bad guy.

Dad called dsis after he'd left, but bil was already on the phone to dsis telling her he'd had a go at him. When dad got through to dsis she was protective of bil (said 'he's not that bad, you're exaggerating') and worried about bil coming home after that. She said she'd wished she hadn't made it a family issue and just dealt with it between her and bil - like it was a relationship issue rather than a bil one. So I guess she won't be opening up again any time soon She also said 'I have my faults too' so bil has obviously worked on her and made her think and feel that she is part of the problem between them.

I've resolved to keep my distance for a while, rather than inflame the situation further. I don't know what else to do to be honest - he's extremely clever and highly manipulative. She is seeing the doctor for health issues caused by all of this and I've reminded her I'm here for that if she needs me to accompany her to any appointments or whatever. But I suspect bil will go with her instead now.