coming to terms with having a crap mum, and despite everything, being clearly the non-favoured dd

[2ndbestof2]

Just returned from family gathering. I'm early 50's btw! My sister is 1 year older than me. Despite all the problems she has caused me, my mum, other family members, despite her horrible behaviour my whole life towards me and my mum, it was made absolutely crystal clear to me that she is the favourite child.

My mum basically never phones me, never bothers to see me, makes no effort with my children, tricked me regarding an inheritance, to ensure sister got the amazing inheritance, because she is the oldest. My whole life, she has been given the better thing, (bedroom, clothes, care, time, music lessons, everything) because she is the oldest. It would anyway seem unfair, but it's a matter of months between us ffs. Even my aunt noticed this weekend and said she can't understand how she is so disinterested in me or my dc.

I know I can't change it, but short of going NC, how to I get it out of my head? I just want to weep at the rejection. I am weeping at the rejection. Of me and my dc. It's just opened up an old wound that I've had my whole life, and will continue to have as long as I'm alive. I feel so sad that my family is so cold and unloving. I have friends who are so close with their families. I feel sad that I don't have that, and my dc don't have loving relatives and memories.

How do you get over it?

I'm grappling with this too. My mother is very dysfunctional and seems to have a fixation with my equally dysfunctional sister. What I perceived as simple favouritism is actually a mixture of fixation, admiration and concern by my mother for my sister.

It is very unfair but you can't change the situation only your reaction. At the moment I'm no contact because I inserted boundaries and my parents went no contact.

What you can do:

Realise that they are dysfunctional and accept that you can't change them or get them to realise the error of their ways.

That it's not your fault.

That you need to aspire to the highest levels of self care while going through this.

That many people struggle with family dysfunction so you're not alone.

The importance of building an alternative family structure - friends who become family.

That not being in an emotionally abusive family relationship allows you to finally become yourself.

Try to view the situation in a dispassionate way. It's very painful because you want to be accepted but sometimes you've got to view the family in a more distant way.

I'm having difficulties with rumination about how my family behaves and treats me. I try to focus on what I do have control over: what I eat, exercise etc. I have no control over how others behave only how I react.

It does seem very unfair that some people get a raw deal in their family but realising this, while painful, puts you in a position of power. The only thing you can do is evade the abuse and feel sorry for them.

Counselling is probably a good idea although I haven't managed to go in that direction myself yet.

Take control and block her from knowing anything further about you life or your dc. I am nc with my dm and never been happier .

Perhaps it’s time to go nc with her. That would cripple me emotionally and I would be unable to speak to her again.

I find no contact very hard, to be honest. I'd love to have a happy family of origin and to be in contact. However I realise that my family are particularly troubled. I feel untethered though even though I have a lovely family of my own. It's a bit like a bereavement.

That's an extremely helpful and clear list Lisette thank you for that post.

to you to you OP, you're not alone in experiencing this kind of thing, I think Lisette has given good advice here.

You are in your 50s - just take no notice. You cannot hang onto this all your life. Ignore her - you have less life left to waste on her bow, so use it wisely.

My Mum was a bit similar - not as bad, but certainly similar - she even described to me her use of the gin and hot bath treatment when she heard she was pregnant with me - that made me feel great! But there came a point where I just thought "F this for a game of soldiers, let her stew. I do not give a * what she thinks" - and just got on with my life.

Do not project your hurt onto the children, who probably do not care or notice the difference in treatment. Get on with YOUR life!

mishappening that's awful .

Thank you Carefully, I'm really touched.

I found it helpful to write it down what advice I would give and I don't find it easy to adhere to the list myself!
I've really struggled with this issue.

Had a similar thing although I am the oldest and most capable according to my mum. Who’s favourite is my sister and she definitely favoured her DC over mine.
I have tried to go NC in the past but the hurt and guilt get to me.
I think my sister is a taker and very needy, I am much more independent and my mum enjoys being needed and that is the dynamics of their relationship. It has hurt me in the past especially when my DC came along. I had DC late in life and feel I am mum, aunties, uncles and grandma’s to them which can be exhausting as DH’s parents live away.
But I let them get on with it these days and I am happier I am also in my early fifties.

Thanks Lisette. I'll try to take that on board.

I don't see my mum often, but when I do, it's a mixture of hurt and frustration. She (almost) never comes to see us, even though she loves traveling, and she is retired, so has plenty of time (and money,) but she doesn't come to us. N instead, I have to drag the kids to her, then she pays them no attention at all, usually not even in the same room as them. She never calls me or them.

Then I remember. I used to go to my aunty every night after school. I loved her, loved my cousin. I asked my aunty if I could come and live with her. She said I had to ask my mum. My mum said no.

Now I see my aunty again, and my cousins. They are all so close. My aunty loves my cousins. Would do anything for them. their DC (so her grand children) are always at hers. And I think, if I could have gone to my auntie's, she would have loved me, spent time with me, and loved my kids. Instead, my kids have grown up not knowing the love of a grand parent. So 2 generations who have lost out because she's a cold, unloving woman. I feel so sad at the love and closeness I could have had with my aunty. Instead of the indifference from my 'mother'.

But she has time for my sister, even though my sister refused to talk to her for nearly a decade. Apparently, that behaviour is ok. I've never ignored her, yet she does on my sister who blanks her for years, and she has time for my sister's DC.

I just need to get her out of my head, but all the old wounds and hurt have been re opened.

I love my DC so much, I can't imagine being so cold, or understand why she is so cold to me.

OP, in my experience you need to grieve for your ‘lost’ family. Mine are v similar, siblings are favoured over me and it’s taken some time to come to terms with and move on. Your mother is not going to change however, you can. Take some steps to healing this issue within yourself and then as others have said, get on with your life. There’s really no point in hoping that things will change here. The only person that will suffer from that perspective is you so the sooner you can help yourself to grieve over the situation the better it will be for you. I know it’s hard, I used to yearn for a close relationship with my mum and was envious of my friends who had nice mums that really cared and loved them unlike the narcissistic mother that I have. I now don’t have that yearning and have filled the ‘gaps’ left by my family with other friends and relatives who I feel great to be around with. I’ve never regretted my decision to go NC either. I feel mentally so much better/healthier from doing so.