Is this it? No relationship left, and I can’t bear it.

[Notanotherottenotter]

That’s what it boils down to after a marriage of 30 plus years. DH and I have been really lucky, married very young, had DCs after ten or so years of marriage. They are grown and gone, and happy. We were able to retire early three years ago, pay off the mortgage, and all was rosy. But within two months of us finishing work, things went tits up in a fairly major way.

Two things have happened, and I don't know if they are related, or just horrendous pissing on your chips style bad timing - the first thing is that because I didn’t have a job anymore I had time to lose weight and get fit. And felt great. Still do. DH was fit already - he’s always been active and healthy. But he went from being happy and healthy to a sad shadow of himself within months of stopping work. He’s lost weight, has a long list of health issues, all minor but adding up to being unable to commit to anything beyond pottering about the house. He’s seen a lot of doctors, had all the checks and they can’t find anything apart from severely low testosterone. And he won’t accept any treatment for that, because it is apparently too invasive. Whatever that means.

So here we are, three years on and it gets worse every day. He’s convinced that there is something really wrong with him, and is miserable beyond words. He’s turned into a shuffling old man, and he’s 58. We’ve got nothing left, I’ve tried so hard to be sympathetic, listened to every detail of his complaints, and gone along with all the fad diets he’s tried. We’ve had sex maybe six times in the last two years. If he so much as brushes up against me, he recoils and apologises. He hasn’t noticed me going through the menopause, Christ knows how you could miss somebody thrashing about and chucking off the bedcovers next to you, but hey...

I feel so, so sad and disappointed at where we’ve got to. Has anybody else experienced anything similar and found a way out of it? I feel like my life has hit the buffers just when it should have been getting going again. I miss every part of our old life, and don’t even want to think about getting through the rest of it without any affection or warmth.
I can’t leave, it would be too unkind, as he is obviously suffering and needs help rather than a kick in the teeth. But the thought of this going on for ever is unbearable. Anybody?

Do you think he has depression and would take medication?

Get testosterone replacement therapy. This is big in the States and can also be given here. I know someone who has done it and it makes a HUGE difference. Seriously look it up. It's like HRT for men. I think plenty of men suffer from this. It's not depression (not alone anyway).

I am sure he is depressed, but very anti medication of any kind, unless it’s vitamins or plant based stuff.

Thanks Red, he has been offered the therapy but refused, as he reckons it will give him oesteoporosis. Fuck the fucking Internet, so much advice for so little benefit.

Does he need to get a job? Many people’s identity and much of their self worth is tied up in their occupation - could he go back part time or in a consultancy role?

Maybe he just doesn’t know who he is anymore. He is focusing on what is wrong with him because his world seems a smaller place. I love the idea of retiring at 55 but when I really think about it I’m not sure it would work for me.

I may be totally off the mark!

Have you considered posting in gransnet for advice?

43% you are spot on! He’s always wanted to retire early, but enjoyed his job the last few years, and was good at it. I’ve suggested voluntary stuff, but he’s reticent as he doesn’t have the energy.

There is a gransnet? I feel even worse now...

But I will try posting there, might be more the age group to know about this kind of stuff. Thanks beach.

I think I’d be similar! I Need a sense of purpose. Can he return? Funnily I bet it would give him Energy. Maybe 2 or 3 days a week?

I really struggled on maternity leave despite knowing I was going back. I adore my family and dh but I do get a sense of achievement from the stress of the job I whinge about.

I don’t know how I would cope if there was a really simple solution to such big problems and my DP was refusing it. This is essentially what your DH is doing, he could make things better by getting the treatment but won’t. Have you told him how you feel? Was his work a big part of who he was and he’s struggling to find purpose without working?

Preoccupation with something being seriously wrong is a common way that men present with Depression. Men often to not present with sadness or tearfulness. He needs antidepressants, therapy +/- testosterone replacement. The benefits far outweigh any potential risks. Tell him that’s is either this or he continues as he is, which I’m sure he doesn’t want to. If he’s concerned about osteoporosis, there are lots of preventative measures he can take.

I haven’t told him how I feel, and that needs to change, I know. I’ve just been getting through each issue and trying to be supportive. It is so infuriating that he won’t take the help that’s been offered. He’s just in a fog of misery and self pity, and it’s increasingly hard to be patient.

Sounds like depression to me. My dad convinced himself something was wrong with him and within a year or two died of alcohol abuse that was worsened by his thinking that something was wrong with him! It can be a sharp downward spiral for me if not careful.

He basically retired too easy. My FIL did too and 10 years later he is 68 going on 88!

I could not live with that for the rest of my life if someone was refusing treatment. Would drive me crazy.

Thanks for all the supportive messages. I suppose my question wasn’t ‘is he depressed?’ But more ‘he is depressed, and not going to help himself, and where does that leave me?’ Which sounds very selfish, but if I’m not going to get him back, how do I move on with life? My parents were dead by the time they were my age, but I’m feeling great, and it’s all rushing by for nothing.

I know you have said he is depressed and it would be too cruel to leave but you have to take ownership of your own happiness too.

I think it would be heartbreaking to watch a person you have spent half a lifetime with physically recoil from your touch. I know this will be linked to his low testosterone levels but the fact he is refusing treatment and therefore forcing you into a near sexless marriage is unfair.

Its all very well for him to be anti medication but this doesn't seem to be working very well for him at all. Maybe a holistic approach that includes medication alongside more natural remedies could be a compromise.

I think a brutally honest discussion of how his decisions about his health are affecting you is required. You can still be sensitive and make clear that it is not his actual health issues but his refusal to seek recommended treatment that is damaging to you and your relationship (including lack of physical intimacy). Tell him exactly how you feel and you want to support him 100% but can only do that if he helps himself.

If he still refuses to change then you have some difficult decisions ahead. You should not be waking up and thinking your life is unbearable and live without affection and warmth as eventually it will take a toll on your own mental health.

My dad was made redundant in 1994 at 58. He'd always complained about work and looked forward to having more free time but he became so depressed without a routine.
He got cancer, almost as something to do and was dead before he was 60. It was shocking.
I would be immensely frustrated in your position (and probably would have had words by now) but I don't know what you can do other than say your piece, live your life the best you can and let him stew.

We've been early retired for four years. Everyone thinks that once they don't have the issues of work life will be amazing. It is, however, a considerable challenge to find meaning and fill your time. For men, their identity is very much bound up in their job whereas for us because we've been massive multi-taskers - work, house, children, looking after parents, keeping up with friends I think retirement is actually easier. We do separate activities as well as some stuff together. My husband keeps depression at bay by a long walk every day, and does voluntary stuff two days a week too. I potter at home, do pilates, stuff around the house and see friends regularly for coffee/lunch. We both have various low level health issues, which seem to come with getting older which is a bit depressing. I think maybe you could gently suggest him looking at either a part time paid job or voluntary work. However it's difficult for you as he seems to have lost his sense of self and so maybe he will be resistant. I really feel for you, but somewhere hope you can get through to him what a gift these years can be, and maybe he should go back to the gp and explore some treatment to get him feeling more like his old self.

Thanks so much everyone, it’s so helpful to hear all your wise words. It’s hard to talk about it to friends in RL because nobody else is in our position yet, and they all wish they were (but wouldn’t so much perhaps if they knew how it might pan out???)
He has a GP appointment next week - is it overstepping to go with him? I’d feel more able to be assertive with a professional there to back me up.
I’ve got to sort this out, or I’ll end up actively hating him. I’m only at the pissed off and resentful stage now, and this is bad enough.

Say you'd like to support him at the GP appointment.

Do you have hobbies or interests to pursue. Howabout watching films at the cinema or going for strolls.

Getting away for weekends to relax..couples spa type thing.