Feeling like the worst parent in the world.

[GrooovyLass]

One of our cats keeps shitting in the bath. I keep cleaning it up. I have a terrible gag reflex and I keep being sick when I do it.

DD is 18 and has ASD. Tonight she wanted a shower and said there's a poo in the bath, can I please get rid. I told her to do it for once. We argued, it escalated and I said that if she wasn't going to help with this particular cat I'd give him away. I went on the preloved pets website in front of her.

She got rid of the shit but she's now been sobbing in her room for nearly 40 minutes and she screams when I go near her. I've apologised and said of course I didn't mean it and I shouldn't have said it but she's convinced I'm going to get rid of him while she's at college.

She has no friends, her cats are everything to her. I'm a complete bitch and I hate myself.

Ok, step back and leave everything for 5 minutes.

Your DD is worried, but you're not getting rid of the cat and she'll see that soon enough.

You know her best - when she's upset, what calms her? Give her that.

Try not to be too hard on yourself, and have a practical think about how to keep the cat out of the bathroom as being sick / retching like that must be awful. Can you make sure the door is always closed?

Oh poor you op!
You must feel awful - the fact you feel like the worst parent in the world shows that you are not! Really hope she’s a bit calmer tomorrow, but please don’t beat yourself up. If I had a pound for every fuck up id be a millionaire

Been there. The guilt is awful isn't it :(

You were frustrated and angry... can she take more responsibility for the cat??

She's still sobbing. I'm crying. She won't believe I'm not going to give the cat away. I just wanted to shock her into dealing with the poo and I knew as I said it that it was an unforgivable thing to say. I can't believe I actually brought up the website. No way would I ever give a pet away.

Just be glad it's in the bath where you can easily clean it. Ours kept shitting on the sofa when there was a tiled floor readily available. Bloody cat. We've all lost our rag at times. Apologise to DD and don't be too hard on yourself.

I can’t help with the issue of your daughter.

But with the cat, has he been checked by a vet? My cat has IBS style issues and used to use the bathroom when unwell. I stopped him from peeing the bath by just keeping the bathroom door shut.

Oh love, sometimes we just want to lash out at those we love, she knows you didn’t mean it, she’s probably punishing you, had a similar situation when my daughter was 15 and it felt hellish but it will pass, promise

I've 2 with autism,I understand,I'm shit mum of the year,it's exhausting 💐

I have been reliably informed today that I am the worlds worst Mum so don't worry, you aren't as bad as me. In all seriousness you know your daughter best and I am sure you will be able to comfort her and turn this round xx

On a more feline note, I guess the weather is the reason puss is preferring the bath to outside - is it worth getting a litter tray, its easier to get rid of it than when its in the bath

Please don't beat yourself up. Im sure your a wonderful mum that's having a bad day which happens to all of us

Re the cat: there's 2 litter trays but if the other cat has used them he won't till they're clean. I am glad he's going in the bath and not on my bed for example.

She's calmed down a bit now and says she believes me that I wouldn't give him away. I know she takes things literally and it was an awful, spiteful thing to say.

I want her to take a bit more responsibility for them but it's like she doesn't know what to do if I don't tell her. I know I have to give her some leeway for the ASD but I have ASD too and I have no choice but to cope!

Put a clean litter tray in the bath! I did this due to similar issue and it worked well! I don’t think you are bad at all!

Oh my god that's a fantastic idea!

She's trying to keep me away from the cats today.

You should always have one more litter tray than the number of cats you have. For two cats you need three trays.

Can you write her a note promising you won't give the cat away? Maybe take her to the pet shop and get it a new collar?

Cats can be very fussy about doing their business in a litter tray, my last cat would shit in the bath if he deemed his litter was too manky, it got emptied almost as often as he used it as it stinks.
I was thankful he did his business in the bath than anywhere else tbh.

Once things have calmed down you can try finding a way to deal with the bath poo situation together but also I liked pp suggestion of cat litter in the bath or an extra one placed somewhere.

The pressure to be perfect in all speech with an ASD youngster is off the scale. DS1 would be in tears and inconsolable saying that I'd called him 'fluffy bum' 10 YEARS after I had said not to sit on the new stair carpet in school trousers because he would get a fluffy bum! You don't want this thrown at you ad infinitum at moments of stress.

Model perspective - laugh (obvs not at them!). Admit to being stressed and over-reacting in the past whilst stressing the security of the present and the future.

Also check that there is nothing going on for your child now that means that they are primed to over-sensitivity.