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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

help- their Dad is Dying-

74 replies

happytalk · 27/04/2007 23:39

Really neeed support

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controlfreaky2 · 27/04/2007 23:52

must be an awful shock for you all.

Original poster

happytalk · 27/04/2007 23:52

My son,can hardly barew to let the thougfhts into his head

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Original poster

happytalk · 27/04/2007 23:53

YEs its a shock,but i am a Mum,and my job is to help them

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SherlockLGJ · 27/04/2007 23:54

A brain tumour, do you know this is becoming increasingly common. Stick around, you may meet other MNers with a BT in the family.

Original poster

happytalk · 27/04/2007 23:54

Just wish I was Superwoman-this is new territory-no-one expects this too happen-I am learning as I go along

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Original poster

happytalk · 27/04/2007 23:56

My daughter-she has a young baby now
Such a lot on her plate-plus other heavy stuf bin the past that is becoming increasingly common among some teenagers.She gets herself on an even keel,then this.

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TwirlyN · 27/04/2007 23:57

I am with you, you are a mum, you will be a strong woman for your children, and we are here for you.

Original poster

happytalk · 27/04/2007 23:58

SHe has sometimes felt out of control-but now has a baby and loving partner-oh why is life so hard at times!!!

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Original poster

happytalk · 28/04/2007 00:01

DAmn life..i know what doesnt kill you makes you stronger..i used to say this..but..hardly appropriate now..

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Original poster

happytalk · 28/04/2007 00:02

too heavy- i know-but that IS life is it not

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SherlockLGJ · 28/04/2007 00:02

It is at times like this that you must fear your life resembles a tabloid. Hang on IMO there it can only get better.

Original poster

happytalk · 28/04/2007 00:05

My son finds it hard cos he lives a distance away from his Dad-he tries to tal to him on the phone but has told me this just upsets him such a lot-the illness means short term memory probs-my son feelin guilty

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TwirlyN · 28/04/2007 00:07

so .... come on, YOU are needed right now. i do feel for you, and your DC.

Original poster

happytalk · 28/04/2007 00:08

Yes ,I am needed,but its a hard challenge

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Original poster

happytalk · 28/04/2007 00:10

i live in x town daughter and dad live in y town ,son lives in z town.I am tryin to meld this familytogether,in death.I

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Original poster

happytalk · 28/04/2007 00:12

Its a subject people just dont know how to respond to.So in terminal illness,we all want to say"of course he might get better".Reality is I know he wont.

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LilyLoo · 29/04/2007 18:35

Happytalk, this is a really difficult time for you all and like you say a terminal illness raises lots of issues. I think just by offering to talk about it if they need to and also encouraging them to spend what time they can with their dad can help, maybe you could look after the baby to give your dd some time to spend with her dad. This is a very stressful situation and nothing you say can take that away but having a listening ear or offering a sounding off board for them to scream, shout or cry all helps. I am very sorry for you all brings back v.painful memories for me i lost my mum to a brain tumour five years ago

Blandmum · 29/04/2007 18:40

My dh has terminal cancer. Our two children are 10 and 7. The advice that I have been given by a grief councellor is that they give them the information they need when they ask for it.

When they are ready to accept the news, they will ask for confirmation of what they think is happeneing. And at that point you have to be honset with them, so that they can trust you 'later'

You have my sympathy. It is a horrific situation to be in.

onlyjoking9329 · 29/04/2007 18:43

sorry to hear you are having to deal with this, do you have much info on the type of tumour & treatment.
if you look at my profile you will see we have something in common.

onlyjoking9329 · 29/04/2007 18:49

i think MB is right, i think be ready to listen, be ready to go through things with them many manymany times as they absorb and try to make sense of it all.

mamma2kids · 29/04/2007 18:55

Happytalk are you in regular contact with their dad? Are you able to go to hospital appointments with him etc or does someone else do this? How much information do you have re his treatment, prognosis etc? Sorry a lot of questions but unless you know the facts it is difficult to answer their questions. Thinking of you.

tigermoth · 29/04/2007 19:23

My mother and my father-in-law both ( at different times) had inoperable brain tumours. It is incredibly hard news to come to terms with and you have my deepest sympathy.

I think MB is right to pass on those words from her grief counsellor. Can you ask your GP about grief counselling and how it related to adult children?

I think you must do all you can to make it easy for your son and daughter to see their father as soon as, and as often as, they can. Can you offer to look looking after the baby, or if transport is a proble, offer to driving them to see their father or buy them train tickets. It is better if they can see their father sooner rather than later, especially if they want to say important things to him, or he has important things to say to them.

In my experience, the news can be more easy to cope with when you are face to face with the person who is ill, and can just 'be' with them. My mother sounded a lot worse on the phone than she did when I saw her at home surrounded by familiar things. In her case, her brain tumour affected her vocabularly quite quickly but she could communicate much better when I saw her face to face.

It was a horrible time, but there were some bright and very loving times that we shared- the tumour did not take away her personality and soul. I can only speak from my own experience of the illness, but I send you my thoughts.

Original poster

happytalk · 30/04/2007 10:54

Thanks to you all.Martian Bishop,so sorry to her of your dh illness too.
While that is very good advice about "when they ask for it",my greatest worry with my son had been that,he is not able to visit him v often,and that his Father will die with him not having been told this was imminent.

I have been getting closer to my daughter,and acting as a sort of message passer(does that sound right).Speaking to her most recently I have had some very good conversations with her where she has said she now has accepted that he is going to die soon,maybe weeks.I explained to her how her Brother was,she said she knows he is blocking it out(how he deals with things) but it is important for him to know.She said if me and her Dad had been together still,obviosly I would have kept the kids informed of their Dads progress,but because i am not ,the information is not being passed accross from his partner who he lives with to my kids (god know she has a lot on her plate too).She said she would speak to my son and explain. i offered to do this,but she wanted to do it,and I think it has brought them closer together,and helped her in her grief too.

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Original poster

happytalk · 30/04/2007 10:57

Thanks LIlyloo,sorry for your sad loss.
I think the last few days we have started to allreally communicate,and i know it has helped me,and I think it has helped them.

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Original poster

happytalk · 30/04/2007 11:02

Only joking-because the info is coming through mtheir Fathers partner via my daughter,the info is sketchy.As i have been told things i have been speaking to a couple of organizations,to clarify a little what is happening clinically.My daughter has been shocked to be told that a brain tumour is cancer.She said she should have been told.But spelling things out has been difficult and i think she thinks her dads partner should have told her,i feel maybe i should have spotted this.

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