Ok, so relationship of 2 years, we are both really happy. We each have kids from previous relationships, 4 x teens. The kids have only met twice so no blending. Both get on with each other’s kids who all have contact approx 50/50 with their other parent. Both exes have new relationships (cohabiting). Relations are amicable and cooperative on all sides. Nobody was the OW or OM.
We live separately. We would like to live together but won’t be in a position to do so for a few years. Maybe much longer, depending on what circs/kids etc.
When we met my divorce was going through. I’m now separated 4.5 years and divorced around 18 months.
My BF is separated 7 years but not divorced despite his estranged wife now living with her new partner of 3.5 yrs. initially in the early stages of our relationship it didn’t bother me as I was spending time just getting to know him etc. But now it bothers me. The difficulty isn’t his ex (who is evidently also unreliable about sorting stuff and has depressive episodes where she is signed off work) but with my BF. He has talked about getting divorced but in reality doesn’t think about it.
Last Autumn I told him that there is zero chance of me moving in in the future with someone who is married to someone else. He seemed surprised and a bit guilty as he is lazy about this stuff. To be honest he has a side to him which is very hesitant in terms of taking control of his life. Fair enough, nobody is perfect.. I get it. But I think that’s why he felt guilty.
There was a bit of a misunderstanding before Christmas over him and his ex discussing something unbeknownst to her partner. It was a misunderstanding but I told him in light of the fact that they are still married makes me more prone to feeling hurt in such situation. I don’t actually think there is anything going on.
After this he said he would print the divorce forms out. He told me that I can ‘nag’ him about it (hate that word and I really should have told him at the time). Last time I mentioned the forms he said he has given the forms to his ex and she is doing them. She is currently signed off work long term with depression. She won’t do them. Next time I mention it he will be none the wiser. I’ll be annoyed because he said it’s important to me therefore he’ll sort it. But he isn’t sorting it. Or even thinking about it.
What I am worried about is ending up with the Sunken Cost Fallacy situation further down the line even though there are no immediate plans to live together. I believe if people want to get divorced, they just will.
How long would you give it before re-thinking the future of this relationship? Given we have no future plans at present I worry that this can just rumble on for another 7 years. I say bollox to that.
To me it’s important that he is in a legal position to start thinking about planning a life with me. And that, to me, means he gets divorced. WWYD?