Why does my mum aged 82 still put me down?

[Choclover27]

I’m 49 and my mum is 82. She’s as sharp as a button and living her lovely life with her ( long suffering) partner. So why does she constantly feel the need to pick out the things she deems I do wrong? So tonight’s phone conversation has brought up 1) “she noticed at Christmas how untidy my children’s rooms are and that when us children lived at home she had no problem keeping us all under control “
We live in a small house due to my divorce. I have three semi grown up children and a dog and I run my own business. I do my best.
2) for the first time since being on my own ( 5 years) I’m going away for two nights with my ‘boyfriend’ and my dog. “ she questioned me leaving the children behind although they are 22,19 and 15 and the older two look after the youngest. And said” I am concerned that you are leading the children to believe that marriage is worthless and that going with different men is fine “.
3) she said I “do too much and need to step back as it appears I’m not coping “ As if I have a choice to not do too much !!!!
Finally I have to tell her how much I have in my bank account as she “wants to top it up if I don’t have enough “
I don’t need her money as I work v hard to survive. But every now and then she sends me cheques. Which whilst very very generous of her, I don’t really want !

I want to stand up to her but when I did a year ago by waiting for her to call me as she NEVER does, she shouted at me and said it was my duty as a daughter to call HER. not the other way round.
Feeling a tad exhausted and upset.

Op, I'm sorry that your mom is so terrible. What i deal with is not nearly as bad as you have it. Playing kids against each other is just childish and mean.

and hugs to you. At least you have the insight to know how not to behave, and I'll guess your dad taught you that!

My mom doesn't have any friends as far as i can tell. She's a dozy old mare!

I'd put the phone away from my ear when she starts spouting or begin to read a magazine while going "umm" or "yes indeed".

Or start saying "you're hilarious mum" when she says stupid shit.

She is silly.

Who knows what she really says to your sister on the phone - have you ever shared your experiences? She might be saying all sorts of shit to your sister too. I don't think my sister or me could have survived my (lovely) mother's old age without calling each other to bitch about her. We still do a bit - as well as say how nice she was - and she is dead a fair while now.

Try reading a book called "Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers"
You don't have to put up with it anymore.

Pretty sure mum and sister are a team.
They arranged to go to a Christmas market up north for a couple of days. Didn’t ask me. I rose above it. Texted them both when they were away to say hope you’re having a nice time. Turned out mum had flu and they hadn’t gone anyway. Karma. 😂

I will get that book thank you.
Was married to a narcissistic husband too.
It must be in my genes !

You can’t change her.
You can’t fix her.
All you can change is how you react to her.

She sounds awful, op. Take her cheques, ignore her provocative comments as much as you can, stay in touch as much or little as you like.

She won’t change now.

Choclover27 it's a good book. I finally stood up to my mum about her constant comments on my weight. Next time she mentions something about your children's rooms ask her what business it is of hers when it's your house and your children and you didn't ask for her opinion. If she says that you go off with different men, again tell her it's none of her business. You could even come out with "sorry you're jealous that I'm still able to date and you're not mum"

I agree with saladdays.

She is being horrible to you, and you can't stop her doing that. But you can change how you react to her.

Whenever she says anything critical you could thank her, and tell her you'll think about it. And then change the subject. Don't get drawn into a conversation about it, don't defend yourself, don't argue that she's wrong (even though she is).

My mother was the exact same. I couldn't do right from wrong. She would find fault with my home, my kids, my appearance, even down to how I spent my wages. She would often try to gift money, pressuring if you didn't take it, until you relented. Then would come, 'all I do for you', 'you're ungrateful', blah, blah, blah. I cut her off many years ago, and I don't miss it one bit. My siblings still take her handouts along with the criticism. My mother also doesn't have any friends as she is a nasty piece of work. She thinks everybody is at fault and she knows best.

It's not in your genes, it's in your upbringing.
At 49, why are you putting up with it?

Untidy 'childrens rooms'
Mum, they are adults and responsible for their own spaces. I do not and would not intrude on their privacy so butt out!

Marriage is worthless
Well yes mum, as I have found out first hand, it is worthless, let's move on.

You do too much
Yes I do. Let's move on.

You may have done this already but google 'FOG' Fear Obligation Guilt.
You need to distance yourself and keep contact to a minimum!

What do you do with the cheques you really don't want?
Alarm bells here. She gives you money and talks of a daughter's "duty". I would be nervous as she ages that those monetary gifts will be used against you. Seen it before.

Let voicemail take her calls for a while, she has nothing to add to your life.

what a waste of a life she leads. the world will be a better place when she's gone.

I’m going with hellsbellesmelons retorts. Love them !
I don’t wish her dead or out of my life completely. When she forgets she’s playing Matriach and has a drink, just one of course, she’s a laugh.
I’ve told my kids to let me know any time I sound like her. Then slap me!!!

She sounds like a right pain. But if she's bright as a button as you say she should be able to understand if you explain carefully and calmly to her that some of her comments are unfair, some make you feel like your sister's the favourite and some are simply not her place to make any more. There's always hope that reason will prevail and it's probably what you'd want your kids to do if you were acting like this in 30 years time!

I remember my poor mother came back from my gran's 92th birthday reunion in a rage because of something her misogynist mother had said.

I always think reading these posts 'at least you have a mum' mine died at 58 when I was 14 ☹️

I'm sorry for your loss lyn.

My dad has been gone for 4 years now and I still go to call him.

I am able to understand that other people have shit parents that cause them hurt though.

You can have mine lyn

You won’t thank me for it tho....

Why not consider that other people have fucking awful parents and that you were lucky to have a parent you knew loved you.

Lyn, I'm sorry that you lost your mum so young, but it really isn't helpful to be told that you should be grateful while you're dealing with the very real pain and hurt of having a toxic parent

I absolutely know how it feels op, my mother's 92, I'm 65 and she still can't have a conversation without criticising me.
I've come to the conclusion that having never done anything right for the past 65 years it isn't going to change now. Conversely my two sisters are prettier/cleverer/richer/smarter etc 😳🙄
I minimise contact and bite my tongue very hard - she never phones me so I limit seeing her and my father to once every 10 days or so.
It's hard and painful.

And neither of them have ever told me they love me or given me a hug.