I know I am indulging in self-pity.
I turned 40 today. There is no one to talk. Only wishes on facebook from old colleagues and old friends. WhatsApp message, fb post and flowers from sis, no call. I am married without kids. Marriage is quite rocky from beginning. I am from an Asian country. dh and I had a fight over small misunderstanding and me being a little upset 2 days ago. It led to dh wanting me to pack my bag and leave. Told me to get out many times that I am not mature for him. He has been upset with me for small things many times, in fact blew it up many times. I always forgave him.
I went to him to say we both overreacted in different ways. And to forgive each other and work through our issues. But he was very cold - typing on laptop while I am talking to him, telling me to leave.
Just a day before this fight, I told him I am generally very stressed about about our issues, and he tried to convince me that things have improved, there is not much to worry with regards to our marriage and that he is happy with me and I should focus on my career and that I can do any course and start any business I like - I had a gap and now finding it hard to revive my career, so that's an additional stress).
Saturday morning, he was v excited that it's my birthday weekend. Everything was good, he told me we will be going out later. He just needed to work for 2 hours that day and on Sunday. I was happy.
He wanted to make omelette for me. I told him he didn't have to cook, we can have cereal (I really didn't feel like omelette, plus he had lots of official work to do, and he tends to give lower estimate of time when he has to work on weekends. I wanted to spend morning together). But he said it won't take long, I thought he really wanted to cook, so went along. It was taking long, I came to offer help, he was making omelette on really low flame. He enjoys cooking and likes to do it a bit too properly to the level of perfectionism. He asked me to sit with some music. I was a bit upset but didn't say anything because I knew he had a lot of pending work kept for this weekend (deadline was in 2 days, and he had a month to finish it, i asked him about the work and I knew it couldn't be finish in 2 hours). I felt dh didn't care for what I want. So much hype about birthday weekend (i was ok, having a regular weekend), then all he wanted to do was what he wanted to do with no care for what i want).
I didn't say any of this to him but I think I wasn't overtly excited or happy, so he guessed it.
This is the pattern - on any special occasion, dh makes lots of hype, keeps things for last day, e.g. for Christmas he wanted to take me shopping days 2 ago and then not even giving me 5 minutes to spend and then rushing through. I feel like I am a small kid with a very busy dad.
Yesterday I tried to talk that how can in one day, he can switch from very happy to he wants me to leave. He said he wants to move to US for his work. I told him if we both work on our issues and have consistent improvement, we can next year but in present conditions, I cannot. He says he is not happy here. I told him I will leave tomorrow.
I am very sad because in anger he was a little controlling - not letting me speak, intimidating facial expression, asking me to get out, told me I am playing with him when i told him I will leave next day). He told me he can't open up and I shouldn't expect that as most marriages are practical.
But then this morning he hugged me and said we need to change things, and that he wants to make up for my birthday today. He made me tea and got cake (working from home).
On my first day as 40, I got a wake up call - no work, no family support, no friends, unstable marriage, ambitious husband, manipulative mil. mil is in US too (different state). Life is a complete mess.