Am I expecting too much of my TEENAGE HALF BROTHER and SISTER?

[noonar]

hi, been thinking about posting for a while about this family saga.....i'm 34. when i was 8 my dad moved to sweden after re marrying a swedish girl. they had a son and daughter, who are now 16 and 18 respectively.

my dad split with their mum shortly after my half brother was born (she found someone else), but they all remain living in sweden. my dad wanted to return to the uk, but said he couldnt leave his children (shock) (didnt mind first time round!)

anyway, i was a v responsible teenager, who was delighted to have the sister i'd always dreamed of. i worked really hard to maintain build a relationship with them, and they came to stay with me and dh many times when they were little. we always sent gifts, paid for airfares etc but never received thanks for presents sent on bdays. dad is pretty hard up, so i was usually happy to pay more than my share for flights.

anyway, the problem is now that i havent seen my sister for 3 years, and my brother for 4 yrs. i have 2 dds,aged 2.9 and 5, one of whom has never met her uncle.

i feel really upset with them that they have done nothing to mainatin a relationship with me and their other siblings in the uk. even though they are now older than i was when i first started taking an active interest in them.

i also feel mad at my former 'step mother'. she has a new man, plenty of money and 2 more children. do you think that she has a moral responsibility to me and my half bro/ sis to help keep in touch? after all, if it wasnt for her, my dad would still be in the uk. and its largely tahnks to her that her own children have siblings abroad, yet she never offers to help out with air fares.

my dad is crap at all this stuff. and he's broke, too. i'm fed up of being the only one who's made an effort with all this.

am i justified in feeling upset with my teenage siblings? they have so many foreign trips each summer, paid for by their mother, but never to see us (not in the last 3-4 yrs, at least).

should i tell them how i feel? any advice?

Hmm, I can see why you're upset, but they're teenagers - hardly the most likely people to be thinking of other people's feelings, and with their mum not encouraging them it's hard to make it happen. I'd keep writing to them and inviting them and I bet they will come around in a few years.

I don't think you'll get anywhere just expecting people to do things you'd like them to do and then resenting them for not doing it. Get in touch with your siblings and say how nice it would be to meet up.

I can see why you are irritated, esp. with their mother, but they are teenagers and so inevitably terribly self-centred. Although it is lazy of them not to bother with your children, I LOVED going to see my little half sister when I was your siblings' ages, step-mother couldn't keep me away!

I'm not surprised you feel hurt. However, my first thought was that you can't expect anything of teenagers as they are hardwired to think only of themselves. That said, I would tell them how you feel - it will make you feel better. Could you write a letter? Sometimes easier to say everything you want to say that way...

Yes, tell them how you feel.

I have a step daughter (soz not sure how to abbrev it!) and if me and her father (dh) ever split up (have been together 20 years!) then I would def stay in contact - she is part of my life and my (our) children dd & ds would always want to see her - she is 23 and dd is 14 and ds 13, please contact them, I am sure the siblings mean alot to each other.

Hope this all makes sense.

Hugs

X

thanks all. i think i will write to them. and to their mother too. (its intersting taht some of you think she has some responsibiliy here, too.) from the ages of 11 to 18 i spent my summers with her, and really liked her. it's hard to accept that she she's doing nothing to help 'keep the family together'.

i guess i havent written before now as i've reasoned that if theyre not botherd abut visiting anyway, they def won't come if i send them a letter giving them what for!

ps tahnks pindy. shame my dad's ex wife didnt feel that way about me. (or maybe she assumed i wouldnt want to see her, as she'd left my dad.) funny how these things still matter, 18 years later.

shameleesly bumping, before going off to write my letter

I'd tell them how you feel. Maybe not in a confrontational way, but more from the angle that you love them, miss them, want your children to know their aunty and uncle, and would love if they can find some time when next in the Uk to visit you...

No real point in saying anything that is likely to push them further away as that's not what you want. But maybe try to play to their consciences (sp). I'd word it so as to try and make them feel guilty about not putting the effort in, because of how much you miss them, and how much you've tried over the years to keep the relationship going.

Best of luck xx

thanks, littlestar. that's a good angle... a guilt trip, but subtle one!

always works for me!

noonar

I'm in a similar situation I'm 38 and I have a half-sister who's only just turned 14. Although we've never been particularly close she's always thought of me as an aunty and talks to me about stuff.

However, now she's a teenager she can't be bothered at all and I guess that's how it's going to be for at least the next 5 years or so. I'm probably terribly old to her and although she's an aunt to my DS, clearly not keen on babies!

Write to them, but that's pretty much all you can do. but best of luck - it's lovely how you want to keep your family together.xxx

thats v interesting bubbly. tbh, i am not esp close to my half brother. i have 3 brothers in the uk that i'm v close to, though. it's my sister that i've always felt a connection with. thats why its so hurtful.

Noonar, lots of good advice here already, just thought I'd add that I know how you are feeling, been in similar situations.

I have a half brother ten years older than me, my family moved abroad and he refused to come (he was 16, refused to get on the plane) and he didn't make any effort whatsoever to keep in contact, and at some point it was six years since anyone had last heard from him. Anyway, the point of my story is that family all eventually moved back to UK, he got in contact and moved to same city, and built a relationship with me all over again as an adult...and feels terrible for how he treated his family as a teenages. Now he tries really hard but my three younger sisters have very little to do with him, he has built a strong bond with my 15 year old brother, so don't feel that your family is breaking apart, I know how hard it is but as others have said, they are teenagers, I think they will put more effort in when they are adults!

I only get birthday cards from my teenage brother because my mum has gone out and bought the card and waved it under his nose supervising him to sign it, otherwise he would definately not get it together, he wouldn't think to, and he's a full brother!!

Sorry that was so long, just wanted to add some reassurance!

bumping this thread as i've just plucked up the courage to write to my sis.

it has all come to a thread for me this week as we have had many phone calls from her. why? she has given our uk address to get some concert tickets sent to. she's been really panicking that they wont arrive in time. this flurry of calls has really upset me, as its just emphasised the fact that we never hear from her at any other time.

she said on the phone 'i miss you'. i replied, in a rather curt tone of voice 'well, you know where we are'. i've decided to write rather than find myself making more 'loaded' comments like this in future.

climbing, thanks for sharing your story.