Feeling like having a nervous breakdown when husband travels

[SMarie123]

My husband often has to travel with his job it can be one week at a time or just a few days. He is a great father very hands on and involved with our children but especially our almost two year old. We also have a 3 month old who I tend to take the lead on. The older child is in creche during the day.

When he is away I feel Like I am drowning and I can't cope. For a week before he leaves I am filled with dread and can't eat/ sleep. I am very organised re cooking etc for the trips but does anyone have an tips about how I could mentally cope? I have begun to think I have anxiety and I am going to see a councillor, to early to tell if it will be useful but I don't want to feel this stressed every time he travels.

I think the way forwards to to try to identify exactly what stresses you out about him being away. You can’t address your issues and look for coping strategies unless you know what they are.

If it’s practical then your coping strategies would be very different to if you thought he’d die or cheat. So this will take a little more though to get to the nub of the issue

i mostly feel anxious about the toddler. I worry he is going to get sick in creche and then I will have to mind a needy toddler and ayoung baby. He is a lot of hard work one on one let alone having another baby to mind.

On a more general point sometimes I look st the amount of responsibility I have now and feel overwhelmed.

You sound very anxious. Do you have any local friends/ family you can lean on for support whilst he is away?

When he is home and your toddler is sick, does your OH stay home from work during the day to help you? Does the 2YO sleep well?

The 2 year old has always woke up a lot, he doesn't always need you to go in but crys for a minute or so, by that time I am wide awake. Dh minds him in the night because I stress a bit too much and I have the baby. Very occasionally he will vomit in one of these episodes (twice ever but both since Christmas). If he eats poorly dh usually needs to give him a bottle at 5am.

The toddler Had an awful lot of sickness in the first 8 weeks of the new baby and my dh did stay home to help as the baby was so young. He was then better for about 6 weeks but has a slight tummy bug at the moment and won't eat (so last night was a bad night for waking). Last week the creche made me feel guilty because they said he was down in the dumps and clingy. I feel so guilty but I can't cope with the two of them when he is like that, both of them end up crying. When he is not sick handling the two of them is hard but when he is sick it feels impossible for me.

Re help, there is a retired lady who helps me in the mornings and evenings when dh is away. So I am very fortunate but as soon as I am alone I stress out!!!

Ok. As a parent who had a 6 week old and a 2 year old at home alone many weeks in my maternity leave, what you are feeling is heading towards, if not already, anxiety.
Yes, it can be tough when you are only one pair of hands, but it is perfectly manageable. Yes, one child may have to wait a few moments for you to finish dealing with the other, but thats fine.
I spent a lot of time with ds2 in a sling, leaving my hands free for the toddler. This is fine, as is using a bouncy chair, playpen, or whatever else gets you 5 minutes to deal with things.
The house doesn't need to be spotless, just not dangerous.
Beans on toast is a perfectly acceptable dinner. It doesn't matter if you had fish fingers and beans the night before, it's all food, and over a week will balance out.
It is much easier if you can get everyone out of the house every day. They don't need to be big trips - walk to the shop for bread and milk, go to the playground, return the library books, maybe a playgroup.
Much of the paperwork, dealing with bills, renewing stuff, can either be done before DH leaves, or wait til he is back. It doesn't usually need dealing with while he is away.
The one thing I found really tough was the sleep - but if the toddler is out some times, and you have help morning and evening, could you use that time for a snooze? Otherwise i used to just wait for a weekend when DH was back, and crash out for half a day.
One mantra I heard was "everybody fed, nobody dead" means a successful day.

I like your mantra SAndland. What age gap do you have between your kids?

Getting out of the house with the baby is easy, with the toddler it is ok. With the two together I really struggle if I am honest. we have had terrible flooding and storms this winter. Roll on spring! The double buggy I have works from 3 months, so I got to try that out at the weekend in the shopping centre which worked a treat. So I will definitely use that more.

I know I beat myself up a lot about the crying (they have to learn to wait otherwise they would be spoilt) I wish I could stand back and see that I am doing the best that I can not that I am failing. I know my fear of sickness is out of perspective to the actual problem. If a normally healthy child has vomiting or diarrhoea it isn't a big issue but I over dramatise it in my head (I think I hide it from my 2 year old ok). Dh is a great source of reason and I panic less knowing I Am not the sole person in the vicinity responsible for them. I find it so tough when he flys out Sunday morning to Saturday lunchtime.

I wish I could worry less and enjoy the moments when they are small and innocent.

I do get out ever

Mine are bigger now, but there is 2 years (almost to the day) between them. DH worked away most weeks from when DS2 was about 6 weeks. The weekends are the worst. But if you know that, you can come up with things to do with those times - Sunday afternoon was my low point, so I always used to try and be out, and then have an easy tea.
It's one (of many reasons) we live in the place we do now - we can count on one hand the number of days since he started his job nearly 3 years ago that he has travelled away. Its tough, i get it. But it shouldn't be giving you the kind of panic attacks and worry that it currently is.
The double buggy trip sounds like a big step forward to making your life easier, and the big outdoors accessable, keep going with that. And if someone us I'll, a say irc2 bingecwatching tv usntvthe end of the world either. Take it easy on yourself.

That penultimate sentence us nonsense.... And if someone is ill, a day or 2 binge watching TV isn't the end of the world either.

Agree with pp. my DH is away with work sometimes mine are 4 and 5 now so much easier. Don’t stress! These are the times you have to make easy for yourself, whether that be easy quick dinners or more tv than normal. Try and do things to pass time even getting out for a walk with them both. And chocolate and cups of tea in the evening when you can relax!

My kids are 19 months apart and my DH always traveled a lot. You are at a tough stage, and it does get easier. I'm wondering if with your little one only 3 months old, you haven't fully adjusted to having 2 children. My advice:

1. Be very gentle with yourself. Talk to yourself kindly, and give yourself credit for everything you do. Speak to yourself as gently as you would a friend, or your daughter.

1. Remind yourself that a sibling really is one of the very best things we can give our children. Even though they sometimes have to wait for a few minutes, even though their needs will be prioritized rather than simply always being first, they have each other and will have each other for the rest of their lives. It's wonderful.

1. Let go of perfectionism. If it is about how much TV is OK or how the house has to look or whatever, I think that for many mothers perfectionism torments us. We don't have to be perfect. There is a really big margin on how to raise babies. I couldn't parent my second child the same way I did my first, and she turned out fine. My older DD's life changed dramatically when my 2nd was born, and she's fine too. "OK" and "good enough" are both so, so much bigger than I thought when I had my first child.

1. I agree with the others that there's nothing wrong with having some days of TV and hanging out on the couch. It's fine. Another thing to try to pleasant children's music in the background. Some days my children were more content that way.

This really will get easier. Be kind to yourself.

It sounds like you are catastrophising which can be a symptom of anxiety. You are really in the hard work every minute stage of life with 2 dc those ages, so its not surprising you are struggling mentally, many women do . Try and make sure you get enough sleep, it really helps support your mood, nap when the baby naps and your oldest is at creche. Make sure you are eating regular healthy meals so you are not having sugar rushes and crashes. Try and treat yourself to something special and easy at the end of the day.

I found that when I started to worry (my husband travelled a LOT when mine were tiny) there were three techniques that helped. Either I would write down what I was worrying about - what if DS 1 runs away when I have DS2 with me as well - and then I would think up some options for what I could do in those circumstances and actually write them down.

The other method was to take the worry to an extreme and make it so over the top that I started to giggle a bit. This one is really good if you have a couple of Mummy friends and you make a game of it with them.

The third thing was to actually plan for the problem in a fairly realistic way. If I was worried about illness, I would stock up on calpol and make sure I had batteries for the thermometer, a pile of spare towels right outside the bedroom door for cleaning up with. It might have been unecessary to anyone else, but it made me feel better in the moment, and then as life got easier and I never needed the batteries and the towels got used for everyday things, I found I didnt need to advance plan so much to feel in control.

You might find that you do need to go and see the GP and talk it over with them regarding anxiety, you might have a touch of PPD and/or anxiety and a few months of medicinal help will make alll the difference. You might also get your thyroid levels and iron levels checked. These can both often go out of whack after childbirth and leave you feeling very emotional and tired.

Thank you so very much for posting this although posted a while ago. I came upon your post because I asked google am I the ONLY person who nearly has a nervous breakdown when my husband travels for work and honestly every single word in this post describes the way I am feeling and it’s even the same amount of time he travels….leading up to the trip like a week before I get myself all worxked up crying from time to time can’t eat can’t sleep can’t even think about it…..day before it gets 1000x worse and I’m this same way until he comes home. So I thank you so very much for posting this and for your brutal honesty it absolutely made me feel so much better h better that I wasn’t the ONLY one 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻💞💞💞💞