Failure? *Trigger warning*

[VivienneEastwood]

The reason I feel like a failure is because my 'step dad' whom I thought until the age of 30 was my biological dad, has died.

He sexually abused me from as far back as I can remember aged 3? Don't know, until 13 years old. Very clearly remember getting pubes/ moving house, miraculously abuse stopped at the same time I started to realise (birds n bees talks at school) er, This has not been right! Anyway, he's dead. My problem is that he/I never made whole truth known & despite me being nc for the last 13 years I'm now expected to attend funeral.
I don't want to go BUT I do want to support my brothers (half bros- they don't know) cause their dad has died.
I feel sick at thought of being stood there listening to bullshit about what a great guy he was.
Feeling esp sad as I know, cause he told me at 15, he was sorry for what he did & he was abused as a child. Sorry, I'm confused & need to vent. I've promised to go to funeral. DH is very supportive but very much 'it's up to you' wwyd?

I’m sorry this happened to you . What a difficult position.
I would not be attending the funeral.
You have to put yourself first

Not go and feign illness. Think of yourself as the priority now. Sending hugs xx

Thank you for replying. I feel stuck.

What an awful situation, I'm so sorry. I have to agree with PP, feign illness and don't go. You can support your brothers without being at the actual funeral.

Glad your DH is so supportive
for you OP

Why is supporting your brothers more important than your own (completely justified and understandable) feelings OP? Their grief doesn't outweigh the awfulness of attending the funeral of someone who hurt you so badly and they will have each other to lean on. You can support them in other ways without putting yourself through being there on the day. Make your excuses and be kind to yourself, his death is likely to be stirring up some very confusing and traumatic feelings for you and that's more than enough for anyone to deal with

Your replies make me feel less alone, sorry if that's too cheesy for some, but it's true. I need clarity & fresh opinions at the minute & I'm taking on board all you're saying. TY

Sorry for what he put you through then, and what he's putting you through now.

I personally would do whatever makes you feel most in control, whether that be attending for the sake of siblings and it being a mental middle finger to him, or staying home and refusing to attend for the sake of your own health then so be it. Do whatever puts you back in charge

Hi. A male view. Both my parents emotionally, sexually and physically abused my as a child (I'm now in my early 50s) and it continued into early adult life (Mum demanding I leave Uni to look after her, daughter being snatched from hospital following birth, nasty letters each day to my young wife calling her names etc. ) In the end I obtained a court injunction and got on with my life and am very happy and well balanced. Following my Mim's death five years ago, I asked my Dad why he treated me the way he did and allowed my Mum especially to be so nasty. His reply was "anything for a quiet life" ... so that's okay then (not!). Following my Dad's death late last year, I faced a similar decision re: going to the funeral. I hardly knew the bloke for the last thirty years, wouldn't have liked him if I had met him as a stranger, have no "normal" memories to look back on and had zero interest in listening to various funeral participants trying to persuade me what a great Dad he was. The real irony is that his funeral plan demanded that I give a eulogy about what a great man he was. To cut a long story short, I didn't attend the funeral, felt no remorse and even though many people from his past question my "lack of love", I believe I did the right thing. I did try to explain the background to this several times but no one really wants to hear ill of the dead and I accept that. My advice? Do what makes you happy - both now and in the future. If you can reasonably look at yourself in the mirror and know that you're doing the right thing, then the rest of the family should respect you. Good luck - it's not an easy position to be in but it's not one of your making either and deserve support not censure.

Thank you too I'm trying to be in control (with a nonchalant nod). I've spent my adult life avoiding being a victim x

mssmith thank you! OMG I'm totally feeling where you're coming from.
Part of me now wants to go along to finalise it, the other part of me wants to stay away so as people realise how much I hated him.
Ultimately, I have a great DH & 2 DS who I need to concentrate my thought time on. I can't decide, my bros are great guys & not like their dad at all X

Have you ever considered telling them what he did? Not right now but later on. Why does he deserve to remain in such a good light when he was so awful to you. No adult can use being abused as an excuse for abusing another.

And following on from my earlier reply, the whole situation is full of laughable ironies e.g. I've had a number of calls from people who did turn up to the funeral who were "shocked and horrified" I wasn't there to say the right words... and yet, on explaining to them why I didn't attend (see previous reply), the people in question (who knew me as a child) invariably said "we thought something was wrong at the time but we didn't like to interfere." Couldn't make it up

I think if you believe funerals can give a sort of closure in your situation, then maybe consider going but only as a quiet observer perhaps? When my FIL died, I went to the funeral as he was a really lovely man who I respected and enjoyed spending quality time with. It would have been wrong not to go and say "Goodbye".

OP, what did you decide in the end? How did it turn out?