On the edge

[TracyL74]

For the last year my husband and I have been separating (my choice). Still in the same house but living separate lives. Marriage has been disintegrating a few years now. 17 years married, 2kids. I've been in a bad place not knowing what the right thing was to do, to realising I can't live in a loveless marriage where I feel like I'm nothing.

So we talked about him moving out and things were amicably going ok, until he got made redundant. He's had a tough time at work, and I'm supportive of him finding a new job. Only he found one....in France. He is there now for an interview tomorrow. It's a great job and opportunity for him if he gets it. But today all I feel is sadness and can't stop crying - because this is what it's going to feel like. Even more left on my own than ever before. If I was lonely before I'm going to be even more so now. I can't shake off my sadness and going to this dark place where I feel I don't want to be around...which is silly as the kids have no one else.

You won't be lonelier than you were before - there's nowhere more lonely than a loveless marriage.

Think about all the positives - you get your bed to yourself, your sofa and the tv remote to yourself. How old are your children? You could take the opportunity to take up a hobby or do a qualification. Look on it as a new lease of life.

I'd have given anything for my ex to have buggered off abroad. I think you'll find you can breathe again with him not around - no possibility of bumping into him which will make things much easier.

Have you discussed how he'll stay in touch with the kids?

Perhaps you're just suddenly facing the finality of the situation. You've been separating for a year, doesn't sound like he was rushing to leave. But now you can see the end of your marriage, when you don't live in the same home and now even in the same country.

Just because you initiated the split doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel just as sad about the situation. You want your current unhappy marriage to end, but you can still mourn the fact that things didn't turn out the way you would have hoped for.

It's hard to see it now, but I agree that you will feel less lonely once you've adjusted to your new life. It is a new beginning. Maybe not one that you wanted, but you've got it, and it's yours to do with as you please.

It's easier to cling on to what we know, even if it's not what we want. But once you've taken the biggest step and finally separated, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

I have an 11 year old girl and 8 year old boy. They've known we're splitting for a while so adjusted to it. I've been prepping them about this move abroad so they aren't shocked when it comes to. DD is fine as they aren't too close sadly, whereas my DS is upset. He adores his dad as they play and do boy game stuff which I know nothing about. I suppose FaceTime and Skype with the occasional weekend holiday meet is how it'll turn out. You are right...I am grieving in effect.