Asperger's Husband?

[LondonHerbivore32]

Who here has a husband who has Asperger's, or is on the spectrum?

I ask as I want to get a sense of what is a 'normal' range of behaviour within a relationship, with an Asperger's or on the spectrum DH?

Some days I worry that my expectations of my DH are unreasonable and others I feel as if I'm being abused. In the last 24 hours it's the latter, I've been talked down to, shoved out of the way and sworn at.

So hearing anyone else's experiences would be really useful.

Hi, yes I do, just waiting to go down the private diagnosis and counselling route as nhs waits are very long, 2 years plus, in our county. I ve found the different together website and forum invaluable, loads of information and support. I’ve had to lower my expectations of my dh, we’ve had problems for a long while and most of these have been based around him having Aspergers and the associated communication and social emotional difficulties. We’re getting there though. Pm me if you want. It’s importnat to remember though that Aspergers does not make someone abusive, you can have it and be lovely but also have it and be an arse!

He sounds really horrible and not typical of any disability at all. If he had a diagnosis what difference would it make? You shouldn't have to put up with someone treating you like that.

My dh has aspergers syndrome. Abuse, shoving etc isn't on. My dh doesn't do any of that but he avoids all children's parties and IKEA.

Yes, I’m in the married to a high functioning autistic man. ( apparently we don’t use aspergers herein the UK any more)
My husband can be lovely and the slightest thing can trip him into a mini meltdown. I get shouted at, sworn at and talked down to frequently Herbivore so I know exactly how you feel.
I veer from loving him to wanting to stab him.
I don’t know if I want to discuss the ins and outs of my relationship on an open forum but please feel free to PM me.
It would be nice not feeling as isolated as I do.

It doesn't matter what the condition is, if the behaviour is unacceptable and he won't take responsibility then its a deal breaker.

Getting physical and being verbally abusuve are good reasons to leave.

I thought ex had Autism as other of his family members do however his behaviour was abusive. NT and those on the spectrum can be abusive so he could have autism AND be abusive.

What is the cost to you as a person and parent being in this relationship?

How can you tell? If there is no official diagnosis?
I suspect my dh is on the spectrum,

Fundamentally it just comes down to this;

It doesn't matter what the condition is, if the behaviour is unacceptable and he won't take responsibility then its a deal breaker.

There is quite a lot of harm that can happen to you whilst you distract yourself looking for the cause of his abusive behaviour and trying to make accommodations for it.

The only thing that is important is what is he doing about his behaviour.

Thanks for all the responses. For clarity's sake, he is formally diagnosed.

My adult son was diagnosed with Asperger's as a young child. If his behaviour to anyone in his life was abusive, that would unacceptable, autism diagnosis or not.

Autism is not a reason or an excuse for abuse.

What is he saying/doing about it?

(The abusive behaviour)

My DH has autism, as do I. He has never talked down to me, shoved me out of the way or sworn at me. As others have said it's not an excuse for abusive behaviour.

I have autism and don't talk down to people, swear at them or shove them out of the way, no matter who they are.

DH isn't formally diagnosed, neither is DMIL, but I am fairly sure they are both on the spectrum (with DH we can even joke about it, and discuss weather it's hereditary or learned behaviour from his DM, or a bit of both).
They are both extremely kind and caring but need things spelled out, ie 'I'd love some flowers on our anniversary, please buy some.'
Can however struggle with empathy, DH gets quite upset/useless when the kids or I am poorly. His DM similar, very flappy/distressed when a child vomited for example.
They can both forget to eat when really involved in something.
Equally forget to ask house guests if they'd like a drink unless reminded.
And my pet peeve is their lack of understanding the impact of sound levels on others, ie thhey are both prone to speaking/laughing very loud next to a baby's ear (or an adult's).
Talked downed to or shoved?
Never. Ever. Unacceptable.

I suppose it depends how far along the spectrum you are as to what you struggle with and what your general behaviour is like.
Some of you have said how you think your DH/P etc might be on the spectrum but are undiagnosed. They don’t sound like they have meltdowns though and in my husbands case this is when most of the unnacceptable behaviour occurs. It’s very easy to say leave, and it’s totally unacceptable etc but I wonder if you would tell the mother of an autistic child who has physically violent meltdowns to leave the child?

An autistic meltdown is quite often caused by fear. Fear of something that to you and I holds no fear whatsoever.
Yes, my husband can be an utter shit, be rude, nasty, shouty etc but he isn’t like this because he WANTS to be. So please , to all of you with undiagnosed husbands and to those of you with no real knowledge of autism please please don’t be so free with the “leave” comments when you have no real idea of what we are dealing with.

My DD has ASD.

She has meltdowns. She’s been quite violent.

However, she’s my child, not my husband. As my child I have a responsibility to care for her and part of that is helping to support her to control her own behaviour when she is having a meltdown and to learn strategies to help her cope without resorting to violent and abusive behaviour.

As a child it is somewhat forgiveable that she lacks coping skills.

It might also be understandable if an adult hadn’t had support to learn coping skills.

However as a partner I’m not responsible for helping with that and I wouldn’t be prepared to live with it (or have my DC live with it either). Nor would I want to put myself in the position of becoming a parent to my partner either.

If you are choosing to allow this kind of treatment because your h has ASD then that’s your choice but it’s not a particularly productive or healthy one.

Don’t assume people who are saying this is not acceptable are people who don’t have lived experience of ASD.

If he doesn’t want to be abusive towards you in a meltdown then he needs support to develop different coping strategies... and not from you...

I don’t think it helps someone who is on the AS to just say ‘ok you are on the AS so you get a free pass to behave badly’ - that’s pretty patronising.

Even if it is not as extreme as a ‘free pass’ you will still have to make a determination at some point re whether it is acceptable for you (And any DC) to continue to live with it.

I have two DDs with AS and a DH who I can now see is clearly well into diagnosis territory too.

He can be difficult to live with. He finds it very hard to manage his anger and, although he hasn't shoved me, he has said some pretty awful things when angry.

He also finds it very hard to understand our DDs and gets very frustrated with them. This has a huge impact on their anxiety and I have to step in regularly to manage situations. He genuinely doesn't work out for himself how his behaviour affects his children or that other people don't know what is bothering him unless he tells us because he struggles with theory of mind. His mother clearly had AS too and he difficulties coping turned into controlling and abusive behaviour. Looking back, it's really easy to see that the root of it was anxiety but that doesn't help DH build healthy relationships with his own children.

I believe he needs support to manage his anger and I've had to insist that he seeks that support.

At times it is like having another child. In other ways he is the kindest, most loving supportive father and husband.

You need to tell him very clearly that shoving you is a deal breaker. If he can't control his physical responses to anger, he needs to move out until he can. He can ask your GP to refer him for anger-management support. He needs to learn to recognise his anger building earlier on and learn strategies to redirect it.

Talking down to you may be intentional and deliberately unpleasant but it may also be that he doesn't realise that the tone and content of his speech are inappropriate.

Swearing is inappropriate but can also be a safety valve. Maybe with better anger management, this will reduce.

Learning about our DDs' AS has helped my DH to understand his own behaviour and needs a lot better. Maybe you could get your DH to research AS and find out where his particular difficulties lie. Sensory processing issues can have a huge impact on anger so maybe he should start with that.

LondonHerbivore32 and yorkshireyummymummy, have you tried looking on the Different Together website?

www.different-together.co.uk

It was set up by a MNer who was in just such a marriage as yours'. There is loads of invaluable advice etc on there.

Offred. My DH was diagnosed 18 months ago.
We have just got funding agreed from the CCG for the support he needs. He has been left to flounder all of these years without any help or understanding from his family or society.
Imagine what your DD would be like in 40 yrs if she had been given no support by you or her family, school, any employer, doctors and had just been called difficult, attention seeking, cold, shy etc by her family.

You wrote “ as a child it is somewhat forgivable that she lacks coping skills”. Well in some ways my DH will be no more able to cope than your DD is. Age brings you no sudden understanding in autistic people. He simply hadn’t got the tools -yet- to cope.

So in my opinion, he deserves all of the sympathy and support which is given to children who are on the spectrum. In fact, he deserves a bit more because he has had to cope all on his own with no understanding in his own brain of why he feels so very different and why he is out of step with the world.
Yes, he knows his behaviour oversteps the mark but he does not -yet- know how to stop it. So just as I’m sure you wouldn’t leave your child because she is autistic I get upset when people who know not much of coping with an adult on the spectrum expect me to leave my DH. (And I’m not saying YOU said that, I’m saying you in the collective manner . I hope you understand I’m not having a personal dig at you. It’s often hard to convey the correct tone/emotion to a purely written word as opposed to spoken) My poor DH must feel like this all the time actually. Never knowing if you have understood a situation correctly. No wonder he always seems to put his foot in it.
I have to support him and fight for him. No one else ever has.

Cheapskate
No I haven’t seen that website.
But THANK YOU LOTS for the link. I will have a look tomorrow when I get some time to myself.
I’m hoping somewhere to find some support for ME. There’s shitloads for parents with autistic children but autistic adults with no learning difficulties have barely any support so there’s even less for their spouses.

Thanks again for putting up something potentially supportive rather than just saying how awful my husband must Be.

That’s why I said;

It might also be understandable if an adult hadn’t had support to learn coping skills.

However, when your partner is escalating to physical violence having sympathy does not mean you have to accept that behaviour.

My DD has had close to zero support apart from me BTW.

I do get what you are saying, I do, but physical violence from a big strong man is dangerous.

Plus research tentatively suggests that violence and criminal behaviour is actually not coming from autism. It seems to come from co-morbid conditions such as ADHD and the autism seems to have the effect of reducing the risk of violent and criminal behaviour as compared to people who simply have the other diagnoses.

Watching with interest. DS has just been diagnosed with autism and I strongly suspect DP has aspergers. He has admitted to me in the past that he thinks he does. I see many of his traits on this thread. He belittles me often and is very rigid in his thought process. He currently hasn't spoken to me in 2 day because I told him he was out of order for ignoring DS 2.5 for 4 hours because he peeled some wallpaper off the lobby.

Hi, I see this thread hasn't been active for a while but Ive just joined and am looking for help! My DH is about to be assessed, but (although I am not a doctor) there is no doubt in mind what the outcome will be. We have been together for 5 years, married for 4, happily for 1. I am no longer a woman or female, i am housekeeper & (mostly disgruntled) drinking partner. we haven't had sex without my initiation in 2 years. I'm perimenopausal so don't really care anymore, but a recent illicit kiss ( one-off, drunken mistake, never to be repeated) has reminded me that a) Ive still 'got it' & b) it felt so wonderful to be desired and have a proper snog for once. DH kisses me like I'm his aunty. I tried to jokily instruct him once but it all got horribly awkward and quiet. Im self employed but nowhere near established enough to support myself, and having spent my daughter's childhood as a single parent, and waited so long to actually commit to the 'right' one (hollow laugh)I am frankly terrified of being alone. Ironically, I spend most of my time alone now as DH works away a great deal. I think that's what is casting a spotlight now; the fact that the is home so rarely but when he is he's here 24/7. I used to feel like these periods of time should be spent making the most of each other and the time we had together. In reality he spends 2 days in bed ' decompressing', and the rest of the time either on his computer, fishing, or drinking. He does take me out for meals, but I dread them as he never has anything meaningful to say and has to stick to safe topics like the dog, or GOD FORBID Work. Then he'll drop into this endless, monotonous pomposity that just goes round and round in circles, and I lose the will to live once more.
@YorkshireYummyMummy This resonated with me so much:
He has been left to flounder all of these years without any help or understanding from his family or society.
Imagine what your DD would be like in 40 yrs if she had been given no support by you or her family, school, any employer, doctors and had just been called difficult, attention seeking, cold, shy etc by her family.

DH's mother died earlier this year. She was rampantly AS, if that is possible. He hated her but still desperately needed her when he was a boy. His father was abusive and sounds like he was an extremely conflicted man. They'd divorced when DH was 4. I know in my heart that this is not of his choosing. It breaks my heart to think of him struggling as a boy. So why can't I feel so generous now that he is a man?
God--apologies for the novel. Breathes