Mum with dementia and I don't want to help

[birdybirdbird]

My Mum (not a 'D'M) have a very poor relationship. So as not to dripfeed, I'll try and explain the back ground as quickly as possible. She has long standing mental health issues and was a single parent alcoholic throughout my childhood. She was, at best, neglectful and, at worst, emotionally abusive. I moved FAR away when I was 18 and have remained so ever since. I did however stay in contact, although I do regret that I never severed ties. There were certainly some very clear points where I would have been justified in doing so. Around 7 years ago, she has a major alcoholic crisis and nearly died. After this she finally started the road to recovery and has been sober for around 4 years. There is no-one else. I'm an only child, her parents (who I adored and basically brought me up) died 10+ years ago and her siblings live abroad.

Fast forward to now and she has diagnosed dementia, best fit seems to be Alzheimers, but neurologist acknowledges it's not clear cut. She has lurched from crisis to crisis and we are now at the point where she has carers 4 times daily. She is still capable in many ways - cooks, attends appointments etc - mainly she has issues with her short term memory.
Everytime I speak to her it's a constant barrage of negativity and she just seems to dump every single problem on me and expects me to sort it out. I have repeatedly bailed her out financially (and then she promptly got herself in another huge mess). I have spent hours emailing and phoning companies to avoid her being taken to court. The latest thing is that a neighbour has mentioned a house issue, which is clearly linked to the fact that hers has been poorly kept, but "You can discuss it with her when you are next visiting". So she now expects me to sort and pay for that too?! She is always moaning about the carers and thinks she doesn't really need them. She is incredibly manipulative and play people off against each other. She 'really needs me to go up soon' - I was there at Xmas and, you know, I do have a life and other commitments. She has absolutely no concept of how much hurt she has caused me in the past and how much stress she puts me under now. There has been precious little apology or making amends for my childhood and hardly anything thanks for all the shit I do for her now.

I just don't know what to do anymore. She has treated me terribly my entire life, I basically parented her from the age of 6, and she still expects to be able to just dump everything on my doorstep and quite frankly, I just don't want to deal with it anymore. But I can't possibly walk away from a woman with dementia though. Can I?!

Annie that's nasty. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. But to ask someone with dementia to do something that they are highly unlikely to be able to do, to dodge the task is mean.

Could you just take a small amount of time to actually think about this properly?

Maybe start by sitting down and writing out as comprehensive a list as you can of the things she genuinely struggles with and needs help with.

Then write another list of things that she doesn’t need but just wants/demands.

Go through the list of needs and decide if you are able to meet them.

Go through the list of wants/demands and decide whether it is sensible and in her interests to have the things she wants/demands. If it isn’t in her interests then don’t count it in her care needs. If it is sensible and in her interests she is entitled to expect it (not necessarily from you).

Make a separate list of her barriers to receiving care that is in her interests.

Work out what is already being provided by her carers. Then think about whether you feel, given the history and the prognosis you would be the most appropriate person to provide the rest of the care.

I don’t think what Annie said is ‘nasty’ as such but IMO it illustrates perfectly how providing care to a family member can be negatively affected by being related and all of the history you have with that person.

You often have the person needing care either covering up their needs (or in the worst cases covering up stealing/physical abuse) so they don’t ‘put upon’ their relative who they feel guilty about relying on or the person needing care can end up being very demanding because it is a family relationship which then leads to a cycle of push and pull and diverts attention away from the care needs.

Family caring always involves a load of history being brought into a very emotional situation.

I accept that it may not have been meant nastily (so apologies) but it is a bit akin to saying "yes I'll push your wheelchair if you just walk up these steps first".

Some fantastic advice on this thread. Thank you so much and for all of you that have had similar experiences. I'll try and answer some questions.

I do have a DH - he has been an absolute rock but he's not really sure what to do. I think he wishes I'd gone NC years ago. He sees how much damage she's done to me and continues to do. I am currently 8 sessions into open ended therapy. It is helping but is also making everything very raw, so I'm sort of more vulnerable to her shit than usual.

@Joysmum the financial issues are a bit of a mixture. Excessive spending (I'm talking 10s of thousands of inheritance) as a result of mental health issues meant that she had absolutely no reserves when the dementia started (before diagnosis). She got into a black hole basically and I don't think really understood what was happening when she looked at her bank statements.

@LizzieSidall - I think a lot of conversations are had behind my back about how I'm a terrible daughter! My mum can be so engaging and lovely that I don't think people have any concept about how awful she was to me. I guess they just think that 'poor woman had an awful marriage so she turned to drink, but she was always there for her daughter'. That couldn't be further from the truth but they seem to have accepted her version of events and never questioned it.

@GoodStuffAnnie I like the idea of making a list that outlines exactly what I will/won't do. I think putting it in writing for myself will mean I stick to it!

I thought Annie's post was excellent.

Why would anyone assume that she was asking her mum to do stuff that was beyond her? My impression was that the mum just couldn't be arsed.

Because in dementia finding, organising and sequencing stuff are usually amongst the first skills to go.

I think Annie probably had more information about her mum's capabilities than we do...

Yes you can. No one is obliged to look after their parents. You need to think of your own mental health. I'm not in contact with my abusive parents and won't be looking after them in their old age. Maybe you should get some counselling to talk it through. Remember Fear, Obligation, Guilt. FOG.

When people say oh she's your mum. I reply that she never behaved like a mum should!

Maybe. But categorizing dementia sufferers as "lazy" because they don't get round to doing simple little tasks to help themselves suggests otherwise.

I think you are NBU to walk away.

But

If not you need to get it on your terms. You need to get a solicitor, get lasting power of eternity if she is still mentally able to sign this over. If not you need to be granted it I think (court?). If you are going to do this in an efficient measured way without being drawn in too much you could initiate selling the house to fund a home, or allocating her savings to it. Having helped a neighbour with no relative I do know that councils can provide places even if you are a ‘self-funder’ if they know the money is coming soon from a house sale.

Sounds like she has been assess if she’s having carersbi every day? Have you got co tact with her social worker. It might be worth making it crystal clear to the SW that you aren’t going to be helping physically Diego the past but you do want to know what’s going on?

Be realistic about how long it could go on for

Like I said yanbu

The first thing I thought was that your Mum should read exactly what you posted here- especially as you haven’t sugar-coated it for her benefit and so is just your feelings laid bare. I think a letter along a similar vein would be cathartic for you and because you aren’t talking face-to-face, can’t lead to an argument or her persuading you that you’re wrong. She would just have to absorb it and take it or leave it.

I was a whipping boy for nearly 70years for my mother. When she died, aged 95, 18 months ago, I felt that I had been let out of prison,

Like you, I was in a no win situation. Keep away for my mental and physical health and feel guilty or sacrifice my life for her. Thanks to the elderly parent thread on here I learnt some good coping strategies. I also found a lot of friendship and empathy.

In the end I learned to used the phrase, , “I can’t do anything about that” more and more. This sounds so hard, but one thought that kept occurring to me, once she was in the care home and when she was dying in hospital was. ‘This would be so much harder if I cared anything about you. I did all the practical stuff but I learnt to emotionally detach. There is not one part of me that s glad that I stuck by her to,the bitter end.

Can I share a suggestion which was made to me for the times when bystanders pile in with comments about neglect / not doing enough, etc, etc? It contains a couple of responses which I found very useful:

Bystander: (a version of) I think it's awful that you ...
You: Really? You seem to feel quite strongly about that
Bystander: I certainly do!! I think that ...
You: Well, that's your opinion, but since you've reached it with no reference to myself, I hope you won't mind if I ignore it

Telling her how you feel would be pointless and counterproductive IMO.

It is highly unlikely it would result in anything but further hurt to the OP and it doesn’t address her mum’s care.

What might help is being very clinical about the whole thing and trying your very best to emotionally detach.

You should not feel bad OP. If you have a deeply damaged and manipulative parent, sometimes you have no choice.

My mother was similar. I had to step away and cut contact with her in the midst of one of her crises because I felt like I was on the cusp of being sucked in. I just wanted a normal life and not to feel such awful anxiety and pain.

I saved myself and recovered with the help of DH, friends and therapy. My mother died while we were NC and I do not have any regrets. I wish she had got help and tried to be a better mother.

Leave her to it, let her carers deal with her. She's had too many chances, how a mother can treat her own daughter like that is beyond me!

I wouldn't bother with letting her know either. Just block contact, it might be hard at first, but well worth it in the end.

If you do decide to continue to assist her, in a limited way, you MUST simultaneously set up your support network. Counselling. Friends who you can speak to freely and regularly about this.

The conditioning of the abusive childhood is like a Pavlov's trigger for anxiety. Please look after yourself.

I think that was a good post from haffdonga.

I do think no-one has the right to judge should you choose to sever contact. I hope you come to really believe that.

But this us about what you can cope with and how you will feel, whatever you choose. What level of support is tolerable to you, what option would you find easier to luve with. There's probably still some thinking through to do here.

You are clearly a decent person and your mother does not deserve what you do for her. But life is never that simple and emotions are complex.

Your post made sad reading and i hope you find a way though this.

Dear OP, it's f*cking awful isn't it.
The guilt.
The knowing she'd not lift a finger if roles were reversed, and think nothing of it (because she's most likely just not able to).
In your position I would block her now, ghost her, whatever it's called. Damage limitation.
Look after yourself. We are all here with you.

yes you can and personally i would

I’m glad you’re DH is being a rock. Rely on him and talk to him as much as you can.

I also at one point had to get my Dh to speak to my mum as I was hysterically crying after one very nasty, incident. I’d just had enough and dh took over, spoke to her and told her I would not be coming to the phone. I went non contact after that incident. I decided that at 41 I was too old for that shit to continue.

I have a hero DH too. He saved me and protected me. Glad you have one too OP, and Lizzie