Mum and Stepfather together for the sake of a council house

[BakerBear]

DM has been with my step father for 17 years. Hes always been hard work (she used to call him Timmy as it was like having a child) and she has complained about him an awful lot over the years about sitting on the xbox all day, smoking weed alot etc.

They have a council house (my mum has had the tenancy for 35 years, although not in the same property and he has had the tenancy for 17 years).

Over Christmas they had one of their many falling outs etc and he spent all christmas and new year on his own sat upstairs. DM was adamant that this was the end, no going back etc.

I ve listened to her moaning about him for about 6 weeks now. They have been calling each other names etc. Hes told her hes going to treat her like shit from now on. Hes told her to go and die etc.

However he wont leave the house, she wont leave the house and council wont help.

She wont get a flat somewhere as she is obsessed with this 35 year council tenancy that she has and demands on keeping it. He wont move.

So she has now decided to get back with him and make the best of things to keep the council house.

I feel really annoyed with her as i ve spent hours talking to her, advising her, checking in with her several times a day as i was worried for her safety (with him being verbally abusive) and now shes just decided to roll over and get on with it.

Of course he now things all the family should be nice to him and forget it all but im really struggling with this.

I dont want to be friendly anymore with him, i dont want to forget everything he has said to her and how he wished her dead etc.

I dont know how to deal with this.

I think, that SHELTER would advise OP. If a partner is deemed a threat, they will lose their rights.

Is he actually named on the tenancy agreement? I believe she can move to another council property and her tenancy will still be classed as continuous.

She hasnt threatned to hit her though.

She doesnt want to lose that house at all she says she has put too much money into it for him to ruin it.

Me and my sister have tried to tell her that its a minor thing compared to what she will gain if she leaves (happiness, freedom, free to find someone else etc)

She has been to the council, cried her eyes out in front of them to be told this is a domestic issue, they are just the landlord and she put him on that tenancy so basically suck it up!

They wont rehouse either one of them as they have a house there already and if either one leaves then they will be making themselves intentionally homeless

The tenancy is in both names

If it was her tenancy before the relationship, and she put money in, the chances are that a court would give her the tenancy on divorce.

She needs to see a family solicitor about it.

Unless she really wants to be with him. It may well be She's not ready to leave him. It is her choice.

I believe one tenant can end the joint tenancy on behalf of both tenants. Your mum needs to be careful that your stepdad doesn't do this! She can seek an injunction to prevent him ending the tenancy. She would also need to go to court for a decision to be made about who keeps the tenancy and who has to leave. If your mum gets a court order to make your stepdad leave, he isn't "intentionally homeless" and therefore should be able to apply for accommodation. She needs to see a solicitor really.

I imagine being neither of them will be priority for rehousing and would be waiting a very long time (depending where you live) so that's probably why.

I dont know how to deal with being nice to him after what hes been saying

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

TBH, though it may seem harsh, of course there are things she could choose that don’t involve staying with this horrible man.

She is choosing not to do them.

All you can really do is accept that that is her choice.

I would not visit them, they both get what they want out of this so called relationship so I would leave them to it. Any intervention on your part is really not wanted.

Any changes to a tenancy need both signatures, including removing a person and ending the tenancy.

It sounds like she doesn't want to split up though and may be using that as an excuse. Just be supportive to your mother but like you, I wouldn't want much to do with him now. This is why if I row with DH I don't discuss it with adult DCs or my parents as when I decide to get past something and move forward, my family may not.