I feel v alone

[indichica]

Sorry for long post.
I have no-one who cares for me/my feelings. dh keeps changing his views about me. When upset, he says a lot which he wants me to forget when fight is over, not understanding or caring impact of those words on me. I have a sibling who is similar to dh in some ways, very high self-esteem and rigid personal boundaries but not treating me the way she wants to be treated. So lots of harsh things are said at crucial moments, e.g. birthdays, when I am low, etc. without ever feeling any remorse. In practical ways both dh and sibling are helpful, e.g. money, etc.
dm is alone and had a difficult life, so she has her own way of interacting.
If someone criticises me, my family would fight with them but when it comes to their behaviour with me, they can be very insensitive and critical.
I had 2 close friends, whom I considered my best friends and supported them by going completely out of my way in their difficult times, e.g. giving my rent money (years ago) to use it for her vacation as she was sad after a break-up, etc.. But in my difficult times, they lost interest in me. One of them despite knowing my poor relationship with ds, tried to form close friendship with her. In fact, both tries to please dsis on FB by comments, etc. while not so much interaction with me or on my post. Dsis is doing extremely well (professionally), I am struggling. I have realised they see her as a good contact for networking because one has moved to the country dsis lives in and other one was also interested in going there.
I saw a therapist who told me I have trouble establishing boundaries. I have realised I have learnt about harsh reality of relationships a bit later in life than most people. I love dh but he has said such harsh things which are difficult to forget. We both had childhood trauma. He is guarded with black or white thinking, and I am emotional and a little immature.
I dont know what I want from this post. Just very sad. I am in my early 40s. I never imagined life to take this path.

I'm not sure what to advise except that yes you are possibly a person people 'use' and you need to push back.
Just didn't want you to feel alone on here :)

I'm sorry you're hurting so much indi

Lots of people out here with crap childhoods and subsequently crap adult relationships. You're not alone with that

I also have abusive siblings. I have cut them off and it is bliss.

I recommend you get some more counselling - I mean years rather than weeks. It takes a long time to unravel a shitty start in life and to stop recreating it in subsequent relationships.

Yes sorry to hear your feeling down - Springydaffs is correct re getting yourself some good counselling. If your husband had a difficult upbringing he too may want to address this. Can you treat yourself well - do something nice for yourself - have a nice bath - read - do some gentle excercise.
Your previous therapy was probably right re say your boundaries where poor - did she help you with this? You can get help with this issue if you go for counselling.
💐 Hugs

So you don’t have kids/anything to make you stay in this situation? Are you financially able to consider a move? What kind of stuff are you interested in? I wonder if following that could bring you closer to new people. The ones in your life now sound a bit toxic.

Thanks everyone for your supportive messagess. We don’t have kids. Dh and I both took individual therapy as he wouldn’t want to do couple. After 10 sessions he and his therapist think he improved and does feed it any more. Even though they agreed most of his issues are childhood related also he had a lot of baggage from previous relationships but he thinks he has changed for better. He still has those issues but now he is less self aware or remorseful than before. I think he is making efforts in some areas but not where it matters the most in our marriage. He still likes to sweep conflicts under the rug, low patience, negative thinking, perfectionist, can’t relax etc.
I told him 2 days ago how much stressed I am about our issues and want both of us to work on them as we have a pattern of fights. He said he he is happy with me, marriage is good. He had changed from before. A day after, we couldn’t resolve a small misunderstanding. He just doesn’t like talking through. So his approach was change the topic or become quiet after he made wrong interpretation of my intention. I wanted to talk through to explain. It left me very misunderstood. Long story short, he called me moody and our marriage not normal. In one day he changed his opinion on me and marriage.
My therapist was good but I don’t have money to continue. I wasn’t seeing much benefits. I have started to feel confused about effectiveness of therapy. What I have read here, therapy may or may not help you. I can’t spend money on therapy for a year.
I just wish I didn’t have to rely on a paid person to offer emotional support who would abruptly end our conversation at 50 minutes mark.

Does feed = doesn’t need

As far as i know therapists would never tell a client they don't need therapy. And after 10 sessions? Most people have barely scratched the surace after that few sessions. I suggest that therefore this is a decision your partner has made and is justifying it by saying therapist agreed.

He still has issues, but is now less aware and less remorseful than before, so that suggests that he finished counselling because he was not hearing what he wanted to hear: that he's fine and it's all your fault.

He many have 'changed' a bit, but he is still allowing his issues to impact your marraige in a very negative way. This suggests to me that he doesn't actuallly care and is happy to continue blaming you and not accepting responsibility for his own behaviour

Yes it takes a bit of getting used to that 50min rule! But with the right therapist it's OK, you still feel cared about and 'held'.

I actually yelped when I read that your h finished therapy after 10 sessions - that is absurd! With deep and embedded childhood stuff it can take years..

Have a look for low cost therapy eg through women's orgs or charities, even churches offer it (non religious). Is out there if you dig for it.

That said, therapy is worth its weight in gold and an essential expense for those of us who have been seriously damaged in childhood. Yes would it be wonderful if we got therapy on the NHS but sadly that just isn't the case

Thanks. I think his therapist realised that he wouldn’t stay in therapy for long as this was through insurance and limited sessions. He respected the therapist but since we had ongoing fights. His therapist and him concluded we are not compatible. He told me briefly as didn’t want to talk much about it. I think his therapy made him feel validated. He talks very high level and usually in those descriptions I come across as the one with more problems. He tends to think in all or nothing way. So usually he quite like me but in conflicts he finds everything wrong with me. Yes my therapist also said childhood deep seated issues don’t get sorted in 10 sessions. I think he doesn’t care much how it impacts his life since his work is everything to him and he is doing well there. Me not so much. I think my childhood issues have also affected my life. My therapist was more interested in cbt as he thinks I have to come back on track with my career and self esteem.

I think you'd do well to dump this man if I'm absolutely honest.

You seem to be taking as gospel what your oh say his therapist says. Remember the therapist's point of view is being filtered through your oh's view point. He's now using what he thinks he heard to validate his behaviour. I bet the therapist said nothing like he has twisted it to be.

You are repeating the cycle of your family relationship with this man. If you had higher self esteem you would have run a mile long before you got married to this burk.

You're right that he doesn't give a dam about the impact on your life. But you should. Freedom Programme and find support through Women's Aid.

I am assuming you have no children. Don't. He'll get worse. Ducks in a row and leave.

Your self esteem wìll rise dramatically without being belittled and disrespected daily!