Mine is a RunawaHusband - how do I make sure he is a CommittedFather though?!

[PerfectlyDone]

20 years married, 4 boys, younger teens to primary school age.

Long story short: H has cheated for years, I found out a couple of years ago, lots of relationship counselling, try again, now OW 'means more' and we are separated. While I am gutted that our marriage has come to this, it IS the only way. I can never trust him again and, broken heart aside, have lost all respect for him.

Things are civil, at times even amicable, it has only been 3 months since he moved out.

So far, so good.
We are looking at finances, I am hoping to be able to keep the house in order to disrupt the kids' lives a little as possible.

However - he is still in that place where he is quite enjoying the bachelor lifestyle, see OW, going out etc etc while seeing the boys as and when it suits him. Now, while I really do not want to EVER use the children as bargaining chips and I am very keen that they maintain a relationship with him (the are smart kids, they know what he has done/is doing), I want him to share the parenting load rather than me doing everything and him being the archetypical Disney Dad.

Any tips?
His job involves a complicated rota including overnights/weekends/antisocial hours, so simply saying 'every other weekend' just does not work. He is currently in a (rented) flat which is not big enough to accommodate all of them over night and he does not see a problem with that

I am still reeling with disbelief that I clearly did not know the man I have known for 24 years AT ALL

I don't really think it's possible to make him a committed father. Either he is or he isn't. The signs don't look good, from what you said.

I only say this after a couple of years of frustration with my ex - he'll do what he wants to do and nothing more.

How about asking him how he plans to maintain his closeness with his kids and if he needs anything from you to support that?

Thank you, both.

I know I cannot 'make' him do anything - I should have worded my title differently: "How can I ensure that I can bloody well make plans?"

I have a job that allows me to pick up extra hours at the weekend/evening but I need to know in advance whether I am going to be childfree or not. Obviously.

He will ask me on a Friday whether I am working on Saturday and I do need more lead time than that

Or even to plan for something nice for an evening or weekend - advanced notice is required and I don't think unreasonable.

Even if small flat no reason not to have them.overnight. one night a week on ready beds or he takes sofa.

Right - many apologies, I got the wrong end of the stick.

In that case it sounds as if he needs to go to his employer to ask about his rota. They must have employees who need some reliable time off? Ironically he will need to invoke the flexible working request right in order to have a less flexible rota. I would decide what you ideally would like and ask him to request that? Sorry again.

cestlavie, I totally agree - massive sofa in the flat. If the roles were reversed I know that that is were I would sleep to have the boys round.

annandale, no, rota cannot be changed. He is a hospital doctor, rotas are hugely complicated and pretty much cast in stone. Change is not an option.

No apology required, btw

I am a hospital doctor too, I get six months rota a minimum of one month in advance. No way is he getting them two days in advance. We all have lives too! I have four children and need to arrange childcare so need shifts in advance. Get him to send you a copy of his rota and then ask which weekends he will be taking them!

Thanks Nemo i was going to ask if he could get the roster in advance. If this is the case in OP situation then it should be easy enough for them to sort out when the EX will be having the children.

OP you asked him about the lead time etc? Or are just leaving it as open as it appears he would like?

So you sit down with his Rota and tell h8n you will be dropping the dc off on the relevant days. No opting out.

When my parents split my dad had the smallest 1.5 bed cottage you’ve ever seen in your life. I have no clear memory of how but for about 5 years we squeezed 4 DC, him and my SM in for two nights EOW.

I know on here people get very exercised about bedrooms for each child but there just wasn’t any money and DM kept the family home for a little while till she downsized and Dad paid maintenance so we got on with it. The alternative was never spending a night with our father and our relationships with him wouldn’t be what they are today if that had happened.

If he can't get the time off on those days he will have to organise childcare like most parents do.

Sorry, I was not very clear: I have his rota, but a simple 'one weekend on/one off' won't work for us.

It's getting him to commit to whatever we have agreed that is the challenge.

And as ever, I have to put the leg work in and bring it up repeatedly. Which is 'nagging', you know

I know that the number of bedrooms/space in the flat is a total non-issue.

Wanna have a laugh? The OW also has 4 children.
He left me as he was no longer happy and life with busy job, various expensive hobbies and 4 kids was a bit stressful. While mine was a Bed of Roses, of course

I think your best bet is to find ways to live your life that do not rely on him. Otherwise you're just going to be disappointed and stressed.

Yes, that is the plan.

I am more alone now (and sometimes quite terrified) but less lonely than I was before everything imploded.

He will ask you on Friday whether you are working on Sat, so you say - what? Do you mean he's asking whether he can drop out of a weekend he said he can do? What happens if you say you're not available?

I don't play games, so so far it has not come up that I am not available when he drops out.

I am feeling fiercely protective of the boys - they are not to be used as tokens in what is playing out between us. And I like spending time with them .

This whole break-up thing has brought home to me quite how isolated I had allowed myself to become, with very little going on in my life other than work and home.

OK. If it's never happened before it would seem sensible to warn him in advance that you are now going to make plans that will reduce your availability and make it less likely that you will be able to cover any time that he doesn't want to see the children. Then at least he will have some warning. I wouldn't see it as game playing to have plans for a day when the children aren't supposed to be with you, including the excellent plan to have a bath and read a book...

Id tell him when you divorce regular access will be part of the agreement so better to put something regular in place from now.
You could suggest going through mediation if you cant agree something together.
Also irregular access is disruptive for the children whether he is working or not on those days you agree it is his responsibility to arrange childcare just as you will have to on the days you work, that is his 'job' as a parent.
I would not tell him its about you having plans, he doesnt care about your plans as you are no longer of interest to him. Just make the discussion about the kids wellbeing.

As others have said you can’t force anything, and your best bet is to make sure you don’t rely on him.

One thing you could do though is arrange access through mediation or court. I’ve never done this and since we’re some years down the line it seems too late now but after years of him doing what he pleases I wonder whether it would have made any difference. I know the courts can’t MAKE them stick to anything either but if it was court ordered just perhaps he might take it more seriously. And if he continually mucks you about you can keep going back to sort it out with them rather than trying to talk to a brick wall yourself. Just a thought anyway, no experience as I said.

I have lined up mediation via a family lawyer who is also a mediator and I hope this will help.

I wish I could fast forward a couple of years....