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Original poster

Ego crusher? I teach in the university department my husband studies in.

31 replies

Queen77 · 20/01/2018 11:12

I have been married to my husband for two years now. Prior to marriage, I worked in industry as a technical professional. I took an 18 month career break and in October last year, I decided to take up part time teaching work (2 days a week) at the local university to balance having something for myself and being able to spend time with my young children at home. The problem is that my husband is an undergraduate student in the department I teach in. Although I don't teach him, I teach some of the students that he has lectures with. These students do not know that we are married or that we even know each other.

I have begun to notice very grating issues of passive aggressive behaviour such as forgetfulness, procrastination and 'feigned competence' in my husband since I started working. I asked him if he had a problem with me working in the department he studies in and he said no.

My question is to those of you far more experienced than me, do you think that in this situation my husband could have repressed anger about me working in 'his domain' so to speak? Sorry if I come across naive but my mindset is that I need something part time to keep my brain ticking over and prevent me from being frustrated with the lack of adult contact I experienced being a full time SAHM for 18 months. The role at the university suits me perfectly and is paid well enough to justify putting my children in nursery for two days a week.

OP posts:
Onlymeeeeee · 20/01/2018 11:19

I think you teaching in his department is a red herring. I suspect his issue is the lack of full domestic service due to you working p/t.
I'm totally projecting here but I found being at home full time, I tried to be the perfect housewife, so when I went back to work, there was a drop in home standards.
Instead of reallocation of duties, my stbExH expected to complain and be incompetent and for me to cover it all AND work outside the home.

AuntieStella · 20/01/2018 11:19

What you describe also, unfortunately, happens when returning to work in an entirely unrelated field.

Stick with the job that suits you perfectly.

He won't be an undergraduate for that long. And in choosing to do a course in your field in the first place suggests he's ok with your relative positions in it.

You have noticed that he doesn't like the changes to domestic life, now that he is once again required to pull his weight. Why do you think it's feigned not actual incompetence? (Asking this because thinking about the exact ways he does it, is likely to help you work out what you want to say to him to get him to snap out of it).

Original poster
Queen77 · 20/01/2018 14:04

Thanks Onlymeeeeee. I never thought about it that way.

AuntieStella - I think it is feigned incompetence because our children are twins born 6 weeks premature by C-Section and he was very hands on competent then. He helped me as much as he could and he could complete tasks the correct way. Until I went back to work that .......now all of a sudden he can't remember how things are done and does them the way that he knows will upset me....

Do any of you have any suggestions on how to cope with this?

OP posts:
springydaffs · 20/01/2018 14:12

You could have a look at this. I haven't read it but I very much respect the author.

SendintheArdwolves · 20/01/2018 18:10

If he's a student and you're a teacher, surely he's in your "domain" rather than the other way around?

I'm concerned that, even if you're right in supposing that he feels uneasy/undermined /unhappy with your job, your solution to that might be to leave your job?

The problem is not you working or that your job puts you in a position of authority while at work. It's that your husband is a petty, passive aggressive little dickbag.

Northernparent68 · 20/01/2018 18:33

The posts on this thread are a bit harsh, of course you re in his domain, you have put yourself in a position of authority over him and his friends. would you be happy if it was the other way round.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 18:35

Oh poor ikkle blokey-wokey

Damn you women for your emasculating ways !

Give me fucking strength

scottishdiem · 20/01/2018 18:35

and does them the way that he knows will upset me

Well that sentence needs unpacked....

Huntinginthedark · 20/01/2018 18:47

Have you brought it up with him at all
If you're keeping it quiet at work why is he upset?
Sounds like he's just being a general dick and you need to pull him up in it.
Anyway why the fuck is he complaining he's could get ace marks with an insiders help

Northernparent68 · 20/01/2018 18:48

Anyfucker, if the sexes were reversed you’d be the first to criticise. Can you manage one thread without being aggressive.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 18:53

Can you manage one thread without coming over as a completely sexist manpleaser, NP ?

bananagrabber · 20/01/2018 18:57

Lots of men suffer from feigned competence in my experience

FinallyHere · 20/01/2018 19:05

does them the way that he knows will upset me...

Ah, could you surprise him by not pointing it out, that he is not doing it your way, particularly not take over from him, so that he, you know, has to do it anyway. He might get bored, if he really can't provoke you...

Huntinginthedark · 20/01/2018 19:05

AnyFucker
Hahahahahaha
Love it.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 19:18

Does anyone here think women should not take senior roles in case they put their menfolk's noses out ?

EllenRipley · 20/01/2018 19:22

I don't think you should tiptoe around this. If he's being a dick because you're not at home, is some how threatened or upstaged because you have a job (often hard to come by these days) that suits your intelligence, abilities & parenting responsibilities (that also happens to be in the same location as his studies)... then it's not about 'handling' it with a softly softly approach. It's about confronting and having a serious word with him about his attitude and whatever issues he has. You're a mother and also a professional, intelligent woman living in the 21st century and he needs to catch up and count his blessings.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/01/2018 19:25

He should not have a problem with his wife working at the university and it is his issue entirely if he does. I feel he does have a problem with you working there and resents it, he probably thinks it shows him in a poor light or otherwise emasculates him, the poor diddums. He needs to get over himself frankly and get with the 21st century.

I doubt very much the OP would act as her H has done if he was teaching there whilst she was the student.

AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 19:30

Hear hear Attilla

AnyFucker · 20/01/2018 19:31

....especially since this pass agg feigned incompetence has made an appearance only after op has returned to work in a position of higher responsibility than him

Pathetic, really

Anymajordude · 20/01/2018 19:45

Do you think he just can't be arsed to do housework? It is a shit job and he's used to you doing it. This doesn't excuse not pulling his weight but it is a simple explanation.

How much do you care how he does stuff? Do you insist he does stuff your way? Could he be passive aggressively rebelling against your high standards? No excuse again but maybe that's why.

AethelflaedofMercia · 20/01/2018 19:53

....now all of a sudden he can't remember how things are done and does them the way that he knows will upset me....

Is his way of doing things wrong or potentially harmful, or just different from how you would do them? There's nothing wrong with him finding a different way for himself that he prefers, is there?

ALLIS0N · 20/01/2018 20:36

You need to nip this in the bud now OP, or this fake incompetence will only get worse.

If he can’t Deal with your teaching his course, maybe he could ask to be transferred to another university ? Or take a few years out of education and get a job to support his children and not leave that responsibility entirely to you.

BTW when you say that your have kept your relationship quiet, i assume you mean with the students? Of course your line manager and HOD must know so that you don’t tutor him or set or mark any of his work. I know you say you don’t teach him right now but they still have to know.

And many congratulations on your babies and your new job. Universities need more teachers with recent industry experience and I’m sure you will be an asset to your department .

Bluetrews25 · 21/01/2018 10:04

Just wondering if he's a bit of a 1950s throwback?
"The wife has a 'little part-time job' to keep her happy and entertained.
But, hang on a minute, that 'little job' that she is playing at puts her at a higher level than me!"
No wonder he hasn't told his fellow students about it!

dumbolickous · 21/01/2018 10:16

C'mon! You know he's pathetic, he should be all kinds of proud that his wife is lecturing at his uni.
Man child much! And anyway, how is it HIS domain? You need to change your mindset.

babyccinoo · 21/01/2018 10:32

Northernparent68

The posts on this thread are a bit harsh, of course you re in his domain, you have put yourself in a position of authority over him and his friends. would you be happy if it was the other way round.

What utter rot.

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