Hi,
I wasn't sure what to call this thread as it's hard to sum it up. I've written about DP's drinking before, ages ago. After years of fighting about it (behaviour incl sitting up drinking alone till 3am most days resulting in mess, spilled beer, and coming to bed without showering and saying nasty things to me; as well as drinking very heavily on nights out and being really nasty verbally) he accepted it was a problem and went to an alcohol treatment thing. He had a few weeks of medication and then was given something to reduce cravings. He is still taking that.
He has always said he wants to be able to drink "normally". I was nervous but accepted if he wanted to try having a glass of wine with a meal or a couple of pints in the pub with a mate, ok. I said though that I would not like him to start drinking every day, drinking alone, or being nasty to me again. He said he wouldn't be.
Last night was his work night out. He was texting early in the evening till about 11 when he said he'd had a chanpagne and 4 glasses of wine. Then he told me to stop texting him meta bullshit and go to sleep. Next I hear is him ringing me at 3.30am to let him in (thankfully didn't wake DD, 16mo). He had lost his keys and bag. He said someone had stolen his bag and that he had had a fight with the taxi driver about it as he was sure he had it when he got in the cab.
I asked how much he had to drink but generally tried to be calm as I wanted to get back to bed. I did say that he should sleep on the sofa as DD had had trouble getting to sleep and if she woke I would maybe bring her in with me and that's not safe with someone who's been drinking.
He got nasty then and attacked the way I am with DD (which he has never done before). Saying I shout at her and I am lazy (he always manages to attack what I am feeling vulnerable about, whether it's my weight, work, social skills, whatever it is at the time).
He also said I am judgemental and boring. He really spat that out and looked disgusted. He was swaying and pausing for literally 30 seconds in the middle of sentences.
In the end I went to bed but was stressed and awake til 6. He came through at 7.30, smelling of pure ethanol. We worked out he had actually left his bag and coat in a cloak room (poor taxi driver then...urgh).
He was basically unapologetic. After I explained everything he said sorry but in a really sarcastic way. He also says things like "So I go out for a drink and that's the same as coming home and beating you every day for 15 years, isn't it"
Our relationship has been pretty nonexistent for over a year. We don't have sex. I totally get that that is hard for him, but I have said I want the relationship to be over and he won't accept it. Things were difficult in that area for a few years and I accept responsibility for that. Several times I said I was leaving him and he begged me not to.
He won't move out. When I say anything about it he will say "where will DD and I go?" -- he insists he won't live apart from her, so we have been coparenting like friends for the last few months and it had been going ok. I hadn't really thought I would love him again, but I wondered. If this is my life I thought I could make a go of it.
I am starting seeing a therapist this week, partly to deal with my anger from his previous drinking, as I realised I was still angry about that and it was a bit unfair if he had moved on, but he had never really addressed the things he had done in the past or apologised.
I find myself thinking it would be easiest if he died. I feel awful thinking that, especially for DD as he is good with her and she loves him.
I don't know what I am asking. I guess I already want to LTB but he won't let me, so I don't know what to do next.
Sorry for the long post.