I’m so lonely

[elsa11]

I have a horrible marriage. I have no family of my own: my mum died when I was a teenager and then my dad died very suddenly a few years ago when I was in my late twenties.

My world just seems so different to just about everybody else’s I know.

I know this is a really whiny and self pitying post and I know I’m lucky in a lot of ways but for the last few days there’s been this horrible sadness and it won’t go.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Undoubtedly being in a bad marriage is lonely and I say that as a divorcee.

Do you have good friends? A job you like? Kids? Think about what you want and what you need to do to get there. Can you try and get things on track with your husband or do you want to end your marriage?

If depressed then maybe trip to gp will help.

I have children. I’m caught in the rock and hard place with my marriage where I can’t really save it but can’t leave either so I just have to put up with it.

Oh, that's really sad. You don't say how old your kids are but as a teenager I hated that my parents were staying together 'for the kids'. I felt implicated in their obvious unhappiness.

Can you do something to tackle your feelings of helplessness and unhappiness? Talk to a GP, find a book or internet resource that will help you sort out what you need from life and start taking control a bit more?

...and have a look at the first post on this thread! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3143309-Share-this-with-me

You know life is not a rehearsal, you only get one shot at it. If you aren’t happy then you need to get out. Can things really get any worse if you get out? Are your children happy with things as they are?

In what way do you have "a horrible marriage"? How long has it been like that and how was it before? We don't know, you haven't told us about it. But maybe you haven't explored all possibilities just yet?

Having no family of one's own is a peculiar existential kind of loneliness that the GP can't really help you how to tackle, in my opinion. The author Emily White (American) has written a good book about it called "Lonely", and Sherry Turkle has as well but I forgot the titles of her books.

Thanks for acknowledging that hevon I will look into it.

My marriage is just one of those things really, we married when I was quite young and probably shouldn’t have.

Hey Elsa.....I get what you're saying, but try and do something. One day maybe you won't have to stay with him anymore, but what can you do now? I always think, minimize the bad....so stay away from him, remember that he talks shit so he doesn't matter, focus on being kind to your long term partner even if you no longer love him, or whatever it needs to be....just as long as you try and keep it minimized.... and then, maximize some positive. What little things can you start on, ready for your new life? Decluttering? An exercise program? Online course that's free? Saving? Going somewhere you've always wanted to go?

I get that some thing take years to change. Just do what you can in the meantime. And, add friends to this. People on your side. A counselor, a new group, old friends, neighbours. X

It sounds like you feel you have no control over your own life. This is not the case, try and start to make little changes, but I know when your feeling low and trapped it looks like their is no way out.
Have you looked into going on a short part time course? I’m sure tax credits may help if you phone and ask that you was thinking of doing this. If your kids are at school then maybe try and go to a yoga or fitness class.....it’s what keeps me sane.
I’m sorry about your parents and know this creates a massive hole in your life, the place that you used to go to, I often go and visit my dad at the cemetery, chat and play songs to him about life and problems...may sound strange but it does make me feel better.
I’ve only recently found mumsnet and take comfort in the fact I’m not alone, someone’s always listening.
If you are depressed then def a trip to the docs.
But I think if you sit down write a list maybe of what you want and go through every possibility... it may take time and be hard but you can do it xx

but can’t leave either so I just have to put up with it No you don't! No one can make you stay in an unhappy marriage, accept yourself.

I have a university degree. Further training isn’t going to be funded by the government and I don’t have any independent money. No benefits are claimed.

Ifailed some decisions are not black and white though. I certainly can’t leave at the moment. I have absolutely nowhere to go.

Elsa11 I understand that you cannot go now, but it is something you can start planning to do.

Could you not look for a part time job, doing anything really just to get out the house and Home life. I mean if you told your hubby that you wanted to get a part time job or even voluntary work, how would he react? If you told him you was going to do it?
Still say exercise is good for venting and coping .

I’ve tried voluntary work but I found it really difficult to commit to on a regular basis due to childcare commitments. I can’t really work even part time for the same reason.

Oh..how old are your kiddies?
I mean you need to get to the core of why your unhappy, I’m sure you’ve done this already but I don’t know the whole situation. Is your husband violent to you or controlling?

Both.

Oh honey, I’m so sorry ! You really need to do something about this, I know it will probably be one of the hardest things that you will ever have to do. Deep down you probably know this... it’s just taking that first step.
This is the core problem then..... everything else is just adding to it. I am sure that there are people that you can talk to who could offer more help better than me. Again can you not go to your gp and tell them? I’m sure they will be able to direct you to the right people.
I mean the worry is, If he’s violent to you, will he be to the kids? , even if he’s not it’s not a good thing for them to be around.
It all comes down to your determination and realisation now, where you take control back of your life.....yes it will be very hard, and may take time for you to get back on your feet. Sending you big hugs and what support I can offer, even if it’s just listening ...

My love, why not ring the DV helpline and go into a refuge? Or get help going into a local council house or private rent? If he is violent and you have children in the mix, witnessing it, then there is all sorts of help for you. You really don't have to stay x