revelations from dad and how to deal

[zebrano]

Hope I can fill in this back story as Ive had a terrible day and my head is all over the place. I also want to keep it short as it could be a long one! i had a pretty rubbish childhood (I'm an only child) with an alcoholic father. Vicious arguments between my parents all my life, drink driving incidents, police called out to domestic incidents right before my GCSEs etc.

My dad's first suicide attempt was when I was 17, I got home from college and found him overdosed, called 999 etc and his stomach was pumped and he was sectioned. Very traumatic experience and no one ever asked if I was ok or talked anything through with me.

I should also mention at this point that my dad was plagued by chronic back pain which was made worse by operations that went wrong. An addiction to prescription painkillers began.

He eventually left our house and moved straight in with a lady, she was on a lot of medication but I was never given details and the relationship was fraught.

My dad made another suicide attempt when I was 24 and We had my newborn son. His relationship with the lady was deteriorating and he blamed it on her because she stopped taking meds etc, as I'm an only child I was answering calls all day and all night about his problems. I spoke to his sister who let slip that the lady was a paranoid schizophrenic who had killed her own baby. It turns out everybody knew but me and my husband, and we were the ones who were taking our baby son round there when she was refusing to take meds! To this day my dad still maintains that he was right not to tell us about her history as he didn't see any harm would come to anybody. I liked her very much but I don't think I'll ever forgive him for not telling me the whole story so that my husband and I could set our own boundaries.

Shortly after that bombshell he ended up slapping her a couple of times and her grown children got her away. He got into a dispute with her over her council flat and in the end she was driven out.

He was in a bad state health wise with extreme chronic pain and he had driven everyone else away. I have literally been the only person left, his siblings don't bother with him. There's just me and the next door neighbour.

Fast forward to now and he's practically housebound, can only walk with a frame and is in chronic pain with hardly any sleep. He ended up in hospital over Christmas and I've been on the end of a lot of shouting and abuse, trying to understand what he's going through the best I can. Texts at 4 am saying he's going to kill himself. I'm running round sorting appointments etc. I've been a good daughter.

A few days ago he was discharged and the hospital arranged carers. He refuses to give the carer the keysafe code or his mobile number, expecting me to act as a go between when I work full time. This morning he was angry because there was some sort of misunderstanding with the carer and he told me (as I was getting the kids ready for school) that he was going to kill himself. I ended up snapping and telling him please stop threatening that every time something goes wrong, as it was so traumatic as a 17 year old and he's sending me into a tailspin everytime he throws the threat out. We had a pretty heated argument.

He then sent me texts saying that the reason he attempted suicide is because my mum asked him if 'he would like to have sex with me' (when I was a kid). That's how it's worded. Not quite sure if he is saying that she suggested he do it, or accused him of wanting to do it. But in any case it drove him to not want to live anymore. Anyway, it's all been said in a big fanfare of 'now the truth is out'.

I have no recollection of anything untoward, my childhood was shit but there was no sexual abuse as far as I know. I get on pretty well with my mum. Immediately after he sent the text, he sent one to my husband saying he thinks I'm having a breakdown.

I don't want to see him anymore. But the guilt is creeping in as he has no one else but a neighbour. And I cannot begin to process what he is saying to me and what it all means. Do I ask my mum? Do I assume he is just trying to hurt me? Help!

There is a reason that he has nobody left. He’s on his own because it sounds like he’s been toxic to everyone.

Op, you sound lovely. I don’t think he’ll kill himself, and if he did it would NOT BE YOUR FAULT.

I think you need to take a step back and look after yourself here. Lots of hugs.

I'm really glad you have access to the counselling. This should help you to feel it really isn't your responsibility to try and fix this horrible situation. In answer to your question about why your father would make this kind of allegation... You are asking a rational question. It sounds like he has been coming at life from a very toxic and warped place, probably always has. He is not rational and you are. You can't look for rational where there isn't any. Do t try, that way madness lies.

You sound admirable and so glad you have a caring DH.
Your dad is very emotionally unwell, has anything been diagnosed? It may help if you know that you alone can't deal with this, it requires mental health professionals, however he has to want it and put in the effort, which is unlikely.

You don't need permission to detach from him, but you may have been conditioned to feel responsible.You are only responsible for yourself and your children.

Its not selfish to focus on yourself.If he is alone it maybe the motivation he needs.

Sounds like he thought his control over you was loosening so came up with something that he expected would destroy you.

He under estimated you from within his own petty limitations. Because you are strong and resilient despite a lifetime of hurt and damage from him. He also over estimated how much power he had over you. Thinking you’d accept that shocking and unsupported statement from his lips without any other evidence and without asking anyone else involved, like your mum.

But it appears he sees you as someone he can control and make to dance his tune. Someone he can hurt with his words. Someone he can crush if he wants... like that text he sent you your partner, what was that supposed to be?! Except his arrogance in anticipating that you would just melt into a breakdown as soon as he utters the ‘magic words’? Ugh.

Sorry to sound harsh, but you ARE dancing his dance right now. And have been for most of your years it sounds like. But for your own sake, you need to stop.

You won’t ever be able to give enough of yourself to make things okay. You won’t ever be able to be enough of a slave to satisfy him. He will consume you. And cast you aside. It’s a pattern with this type of person I’m afraid.

Take this chance to stop being the main orchestrator in his life. He can organise his carers. He didn’t appreciate you doing it, or help you help him at all, so he can do it for himself now.

My stepfather was an alcoholic and the happiest day of my life was when he died, unfortunately my Mother lost her mind at that point.

I have read on MN people recommending no contact for what I consider quite trivial issues within families. In this instance limited or no contact is really the only way forward. He is incredibly attention seeking, I agree with a poster upthread who says that by articulating it he is unlikely to do it. My Mother used to say this when I was a child. She appears to still be alive thirty years hence. Even if he did it is entirely of his doing.

oh OP, what a sick sick man he is. bleurgh.

WellThisIs has it ^^

Go to al anon. Really, go to al anon

I think he's a "histrionic" -do google it. I don't believe your mum said that.
I would go NC.

You have been a lot more patient with him than I could ever have been with my own alcoholic violent father....he scared the life out of me fro when I was little. You need to put yourself first and go no contact...he is using you as a target for all his anger and nasty behaviour. Please don't let him ruin your life...you deserve a life of your own He is still able to make his own decisions so leave hm to it and let him sort himself out. Put your own emotional and physical wellbeing first and stay as far away from him as possible.

My husband spoke to my dad briefly this morning. My dad is still maintaining that what he says my mum said is the truth, (the allegation is that she suggested he should.... which is the worst) and that it's time I knew the truth about my mum.
He said stuff like now he's going to lose contact with his only grandchildren (our two kids age 8 and 11) because we we won't believe the truth about my mum.

I don't know what to think, it's like an utter nightmare.

I will find out where our nearest al-anon is and get myself down there. Feeling wretched about the whole thing and kids have been on Xbox all day, it's like I'm on another planet!

Getting some support will be a good thing.

I don’t think you should dwell too much on what your father has dredged up today, because of all his history and the way he behaves towards you.

But perhaps this line of thought might help clear the fog a bit?

So, a loving father is propositioned by his wife to have sex with their little daughter. What is the fathers response? And what would be the response you’d expect a responsible adult to make given the nature of the disclosure?

• to protect his daughter from her sexually deviant and high risk mother?
• To alert the authorities?
• to remove the child from her main caregiver (the hugely dangerous risk to the child)?
• to take on sole care for his own daughter?
• to arrange a place of safety for his daughter to live eg with distant relatives, or foster family iffpr some reason he felt inadequate as a sole parent?
• OR to tend to the mental, emotional and physical wellbeing of his daughter in any way at the time or at any time over the next decade or so?!

But no, what did your father decide he, in his wisdom should do for his daughter? He gave his dearest daughter a childhood filled with vicious arguments, drink drinking, domestic violence, police attendances and then several suicide attempts...

To be clear, I can’t say whether what he’s claiming has any truth to it. But I can look at it from the perspective of this man and his behaviour and motives throughout your life.

I agree totally and I've been through this in my head. He's made that allegation and said it was the reason for his suicide attempt when I was 17. So you'd kill your self and leave the child alone with her dangerous mother? No, you would not!

Sorry I feel like I should say that I have a horrible illness with debilitating weakness and chronic pain, especially my back and neck. I’m also a single professional mother, and was when this illness struck me down 6 yrs ago. I have to rely on carers everyday for my basic existence. It’s not a nice way to live. I’m not pretending it is.

But, to be clear, I’m not abusive or violent. I’m not nasty or cruel. I don’t play mind games and I’m not an addict.

I’m sure in his head it’s all one big narrative of woe is me and life is against me and I can’t help it...

But the fact is, it IS possible to have back pain and not be a violent abuser. It’s also possible to be a positive force in your child’s life and be reliant on carers.

He just upped the ante with this "claim' because you for the first time put down a boundary by snapping at him......so he had to be even more disruptive than normal....which is why he said what he did.

Exactly zeb, you’d walk over hot coals and through hellitself to protect your child, not feel sorry for yourself cos your precious sensibilities have been bruised and then try and kill yourself and therefore leave your child completely alone with the abuser... what kind of man does that? Revolting.

Tbh, if he was genuinely so desperate and ill that he couldn’t cope with living anymore, why didn’t he report your mother to the authorities before he did it? Why didn’t he see you safe, you, his innocent daughter completely unaware and unable to protect herself... why didn’t he lift a finger to save you?! A good father, any good person, actually, hey, an average to poor person would have made some attempt to help a child in imminent danger of sexual abuse. But your father didn’t. And hasn’t bothered to even think about your safety since...

All I’m getting from this awful tale he’s dredged up is how much of a failure he has been, and continues to be, as a father and as a human being. Whether it’s true or fabricated, he comes out of it extremely badly. Both ways.

You poor thing. You come out of it as a brilliant and tough survivor who found love and has built a family of your own despite such a difficult upbringing, and a father who has consistency been suckered to you, like a vampire, draining you of strength, energy, self esteem and ability to function, throughout your adult life. You may not be feeling anything like a tough person right now, but you’ve succeeded where everything was set up to fail.

Wondering how you are?