Would like someone to talk to about why I feel this way (seeing a man with a girlfriend).

[somewhatashamedandconfused]

Hello. I'm 28. I've never been married or had kids. I've been in several abusive relationships, mainly emotional/controlling but one became lightly physical, and one was full-on sexually abusive. I was also raped by a "friend with benefits" a couple of years ago. I guess that's a broad picture of my background romantically/sexually.

I have been in love a couple of times as an adult (not including teenage relationships). Once with a man who was controlling and had a short temper, but could be lovely. Once with the man who abused me sexually.

In the case of the second man, we weren't "together" as he wouldn't make it official. At one point, he got a "proper" girlfriend and said he couldn't see me any more. All the hurt I felt about the way things had been for two years boiled up and I got the train to his house to confront him. When I got there, I was in a distressed state and tried to express my anger to him, but he sort of stood there and absorbed it and didn't respond. In the end, we ended up lying on his bed, and I started to seduce him. I know it was because I wanted to feel back in control. He had promised monogamy to her and I knew if he slept with me it meant he was still "mine", or that in some weird way I'd won. He put up a bit of a pretend protest at first, then revealed it was turning him on to cheat on the other woman. We had sex and I immediately felt like shit, but also satisfied that I'd still got him somehow.

Now, I'm not an idiot, despite what this shows. I know I wasn't in control, I wasn't anywhere close to "winning", I was a seedy shit shag outside a relationship, just something for him to fuck. I wasn't on the same level as the girlfriend, I meant nothing to him in that moment and likely nothing afterwards. I know this consciously. But emotionally, that desperation was painful and it's all I could think to do.

Now I'm repeating the pattern. I was seeing someone in an open relationship. Now, the girlfriend has asked him for monogamy. But that was like a red rag to a bull for me. It reminded me of what happened before. And I knew the only way to prove I mattered was to sleep with him, to prove he still liked me enough to fuck over his relationship (or, to my emotional, irrational brain, that's what it meant). I think he knows I'm in love with him. He puts up a tiny bit of resistance and then we have sex. He said last night he broke his new year's resolution to only sleep with her, to "be good". And I'm a fucking twat because I read that as: "somewhat, you're just sooo sexy and amazing that I can't control myself" rather than "I'm tipsy, my real partner won't find out and I fancy a shag because she's a sure bet".

I suppose on some level I wanted to write it out for the sake of looking myself hard in the face and snapping out of this shit. I'm expecting to get a flaming for this and I'm far less than proud of myself.

I just can't stand it when they say they're picking someone else over me. And even my "monogamous" ex cheated repeatedly. So on some level I don't believe I can ever trust anyone to be just mine. So at least if I'm the "side chick", the one on the periphery, I know the situation. It's the cynical position to be in. I know the score so I'm not being "betrayed". But it makes no sense.

I think you want a flaming for this. You're gonna get it.

You get some kick out of people wanting you over other people. Its sick.

Can I just remind you - they chose their partners OVER YOU, not the other way round. You are always the "mistake". If you were that amazing - they'd be with you.

Quit trying to meddle and destroy peoples lives.

You like to win. But really you're losing.

Ah. You do matter, you are special. But not to this current bloke.
Have you had counselling to explore why you are vulnerable to exploitation by creeps?

Let me introduce a novel concept to you : sisterhood

Get some female friends. Ones that don't require them to keep you away from their male partners. Do a bit of reading about feminism.

OP please get counselling. And do the Freedom programme.

You know this is not going to make you happy. And the poor women who are being deceived by their partners. Take a break from men for 6 months or a year.

I don't think you deserve flaming. Surely every woman wants to be the woman her man chooses over every other, so why should the OP be any different? You have had some relationship with this man and you wanted him to be with you.

DotCotton - are you married? Do you not want your husband/partner to choose only you? To call the OP sick is harshly judgemental and a bit too shit!

I agree with other though OP, you do need to get some help, work on building your self esteem, realise your worth and your actions are self-destructive.

I've been in the same situation as you, I was a single Mum, very needy and I started a relationship with someone who was already in one. It became an obsession to "win" him, but once I "won" him, I realised he wasn't what I wanted and we didn't last very long. I had lost a lot of weight at the time, didn't realise that "normal" men would find me attractive etc ... so needed something.

He was my kick up the backside, and I much more feel my worth now.
Good luck sweetheart, I have no proper advice or suggestions, but I wish you well (and ignore the nasty people), they can admonish without being holier than thou :)

DotCotton - are you married? Do you not want your husband/partner to choose only you?

Eh obviously - but I've been on the arse end of this type of behaviour by an OW. It's scummy and manipulative.

I can only agree with @AnyFucker 's sentiments.

You are worth more than this. Respect yourself, try to get some counselling to deal with the unhealthy relationships and pain from your past. Give yourself time to heal and find a new relationship with someone who wants a monogamous relationship.

I think that you need to look at in psychodynamic counselling, why you get involved in triangular relationships and why you get involved with abusive men.

Until you look at the root cause you will keep on with this cyclical pattern, that could in all honesty be seen as a madness. Definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different outcomes.

Op the destructive patterns you're describing are very familiar to me. They come from having very low self esteem. You feel terrible about it because you're actually not a bad person, but you need that validation. What was your childhood like? I personally have a very critical mother and now have a constant critical voice in my head. You need to seek counselling because you'll always be stuck in this pattern if not

The fact that you are willing to be the 'side chick' is pretty indicative of what's going on.

I once had a 'friend' who wanted me to be a 'side chick' and I told him to get to fuck. Why? Because his girlfriend was lovely, she loves him and I happen to think we women have enough shit to contend with in society, without pitting against each other and all that bullshit about 'winning'. Men aren't a prize. You need to get some self respect and also improve your respect for others. Or you'll be angry, sad and lonely for a long time

I don't think you need scolding but therapy. You exhibit the same self destructive behaviours over and over again so you need to get to the root of why which I doubt you'd reach yourself so counselling is a must. You need to drop this guy he doesn't love or care for you that's why he won't ever give up his partner for you, he's just enjoying having his cake and eating it.

I don't think you deserve flaming either, OP. And what you're doing is not "sick" in the judgy sense.

However.

I really think you'd benefit from some kind of intensive therapy to explore the underlying, unconscious motivations for your behaviour. Otherwise they'll sabotage you and everyone else around you whose relationships offer you that "red flag" that you charge for.

I think you were brave posting here so honestly. Now go sit down opposite a therapist and be equally honest. You may find that your relationships with women also strengthen as a result.

You use sex as a way to validate yourself as a person and worse as a way of making yourself feel you are better than others.

its not a healthly way to live for you - you need therapy/counselling and I think to step away from sexual relationships for awhile while you build your sense of self away from sex.

I don't think you need flaming either, OP, I think you need help. You aren't having good relationships or a good life, and you could have both, away from these horrible men and with a better idea of your own self-worth.

Please, please get some therapy. And in the meantime, you know being with men like this makes you feel like shit, so please stay away from them.

And yes - find some women friends, good ones.

I say this kindly; I really think you need some professional help to address the issues that are underneath all of this.
I’m wondering if there was trauma in your childhood or someone who treated you very badly for your self worth to be so low and for you to feel you need control over men or the effects of these abusive relationships.
I’d suggest staying clear of men until you’ve really had some help with this.
You’re worth so much more than these shitty men.

My first thought on reading this is you sound like you have some Borderline PD tendencies. Have you read around that?

You absolutely need some female friends, preferably strong females-they will give you the straight talk which you clearly desperately need.
Get some counselling too as all you are doing by trying to be the one they choose is further damaging your self esteem.

To put this simply, you are engaged in self-harming behaviour.
Get help. Women's Aid and Rape Crisis are good places to start.

Try some counselling. You aren't bad, just hurting. And sadly you've met some shitty men who haven't helped.