Need advice - 12 year marriage is over?

[beachbaby18]

Hi,

I’m hoping for some advice. (Sorry long post)

I’ve been married to my DH for 12 years. We got together quickly, at the time I was living abroad but I moved back to the UK to be with him bringing my DD from my previous relationship. (Knew him as a friend before this as used to work for same company abroad)

Fell head over heels in love and got married within 18 months.
Since then we’ve had lots of upset.

In the past he’s called me names - filthy whore, scum of the earth, dirty prositute - if I’ve upset him. Then after reducing me to tears he’s said he forgives me and then touches me intimately( Hasn’t done this for ages though but I still feel hurt by the memories)

He’s got really angry on numerous occasions and blames everything on me. He can’t take ANY criticism, he reacts verbally aggressive if you even hint that anything could be partly his fault.

He told me I had depression as I’m so unhappy so I went to the doctor who sent me to woman’s aid after talking to me,where I had counselling.

Life is better now as I am stronger BUT my dd hates him and can’t bear to be near him or do anything with him. (He’s told her she’s a waste of space, useless etc when he’s angry). He also praises the youngest one against her which is upsetting for her.
The youngest our 2yr old Ds loves him and is always asking for him. He’s really good with him.

I can’t bear to be around him anymore as life is just so miserable. I walk on egg shells, I am always aware of him and listening out for raises voices so I can try to be the peacemaker between him and DD but I am petrified about the consequences of me leaving. Will he try to take DS away (he’s threatened to in the past!) but I feel that if I stay I’m hurting the eldest and if I go I’m hurting the youngest!

Two year old has never slept without me and still breastfed (I know he doesn’t need to be breastfed but I’m following his lead for when he wants to stop). I have never had a night away from the two year old so I’m scared about this.

DH to the outside world is handsome, intelligent, funny and has everything going for him. (Own company etc) I’m also worried about my work as he owns my website. I’d find it difficult to get work without it.

In an awful mess inside and out.

Any advice?

You definitely need to leave as he's abusive.

Set up a different website and transfer your contacts to it and do a new website campaign.

You can't stay in this relationship as he's abusing you and your daughter be is an awful example to your son.

Enlist the help of Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations to extricate yourself from this dysfunctional and toxic relationship.

Like many abusive men that can appear plausible to those in the outside world but I would think that one or two people have their own private suspicions about him. Like abusive men as well, they threaten their wife with taking their children away; its an empty threat designed to keep their chosen victims where they are. He is not interested in either child and is using them against you to keep you where you are.

Your children are also learning from the two of you about relationships; currently they are seeing you being abused by their dad. Your son could well become a carbon copy of his dad going forward and your daughter could end up thinking that yes, this is how men treat women and go onto choose someone just like this man. You are showing them that currently at least, this is acceptable to you.

The 2 year old will be fine long term.It's much easier for them to adjust and if you separate he will at least learn what is a healthy way to function.

I would suggest you line up everything before saying you are leaving as he is likely to be vindictive.
I naively thought my ex would be amicable if I was, but the loss of control forced his behaviour to escalate. I am glad I am away but it has not been easy.Please seek a solicitor who is experienced in abusive partners this is important as I didn't and my solicitor has been shocked and thrown by how vicious my ex has been.You need someone who will not buckle under his pressure.

Thank you all for your advice.

I’m petrified as I feel dependant in him and I can’t see past being with him.

He’s been away on business for two days and I’ve had time to be me and experienced flashes of almost happiness, the anxiety left for short periods. It was almost like I felt what it was like to be without his presence. He’s due back later and I’m already feeling nervous inside.

I can’t bear to be away from my Ds and am so worried about him coping with DH without me around.

I need to find some strength, it’s like I know what I should do but am paralysed and can’t do it!

If you harness your inner warrior and get into a state of mind that I call 'ice cold anger', you'll find a way through this. Worrying about leaving is natural but its counter-productive OP, you have to get yourself and the children out of this terrible situation before it destroys you.
Get in touch with Women's Aid . They have all the expertise and resources to help you. See a solicitor too and look up coercive control because your husband, by wilfully demeaning and disparaging you and your child, is breaking the law.
You could go to the police, you SHOULD go to the police quoting coercive control. Your husband needs to learn a lesson about bullying behaviour and intimidating women and children.
Men like him are the scum of the earth.

He can't take you DS away, as your the primary carer. That's just more abusive threats.