Weird attraction for totally sexist, completely unsuitable man.

[paranoidpammywhammy2]

I've been single by choice for a few years more due to not feeling anything substantial for anyone I've met.

My last relationship was a joke. I've thought carefully about what I'm looking for in someone. What red flags I missed previously etc.

I'm not even sure what I like about this man.

So why am I attracted to him?

You must be lonely for male company and a glutton for punishment, to be honest. What's attractive about him? It must be good looks as it's surely not his personality. It's a shallow premise for a relationship. The "why" you need do anything about is "why don't I avoid this man and save myself the headache of being belittled".

It's easy to get into analysing, all the why's and wherefores, that delicious feeling of instigating a big discussion about a man you fancy so you can keep thinking and talking about him. What does it all mean tho, if he isn't a great man to have?

Sexism is abhorrent

What sort of a man was/is your Dad?

Hmmm. Be careful about this.

Some men are very good at posing negative/offensive comments in such a way as to provoke the listener to “prove” themselves.

Be careful you aren’t being manipulated.

An overtly sexist man is unlikely to be a good bet as a long term partner.

I've had a mutually enjoyable relationship with a sexist player type. Because I didn't want anything long term, he knew I was a feminist and his sexism was covering up some sad family stuff and he actually respected me. I wouldn't have had an actual relationship relationship IYSWIM.

BUT if you have history with missing red flags, I would be extremely careful.

What makes him 'unsuitable'?

Women who go for 'bad boys', are usually rescuers. Evidently, rescuing someone from themselves, looking after them, being attracted to them fills a need to be needed whilst also serving as a 'project'.
Some people, (subconsciously), need to have a project because it can be exciting, dramatic, different even and most of all, it makes you feel wonderfully alive. That's the up side.
The down side is that it never, ever, ends well. Your 'project', will cause you heartache, upset, financial ruin very likely and fail to give you the unconditional love and respect that you deserve.
Get some counselling OP. It will prove both cheaper in the long run and give you an insight into why you are attracted to the type.

Poor self-esteem I’d imagine.

Could it be a challenge? Or the excitement of something different? Maybe he has shown he is attracted to you and that is flattering?

Some people, (subconsciously), need to have a project because it can be exciting, dramatic, different even and most of all, it makes you feel wonderfully alive

This is so true, and if it rings true for you AT ALL, find some place to do some volunteer work. Children or refugees or something. Channel that drive in a way that it won't wreck your life. (For awhile, I worked with refugee children with special needs and it really helped keep the rest of my life sane).

Just because you are attacked to a pig, you don't have to do anything about it. It's like seeing something in a store that you like but can't afford. You don't just steal it because the price is too high. The price of getting involved with this man is too high, so just walk away.

Lots of hits in everyone's comments.

I'm not lonely for male company - just unable to get myself interested enough to take things any further with the men I've been in contact with. It's just knowing the first man I've felt really interest in - is an arse.

He's not physically attractive to me. I don't like his looks, his personality, his humour, anything.

I like his self-confidence. It can't just be that? I tried so hard to make him see something he said was outrageous and he just dismissed my comments. Trying to try to get through to him is engaging.

My dad's a male chauvinist pig really. He's toned it down a bit. I'd hate to think this is my imprinted 'male role model type'.

I think he is manipulating my interest - he's pulling my pigtails to get a response. I have heard of this technique but never experienced it quite this way. He is a player.

Bad boy check, rescuer complex. check. Yes, I do tend to go for the excitement and challenge..

Had poor self-esteem from ex cheating b of a partner. I'd thought I was doing OK now though.

I'm glad I've got it sorted in my head now. Thanks everyone for the reality check. I did the freedom course and had lots of counselling. I really thought I'd turned a new page. I'm glad I've identified he's not a good choice and to step away and not engage.

We all have these strange crushes... mine is Simon Cowell!

I actually think it's pretty normal to have the odd person where you just can't identify why on earth they do it for You, but they undeniably do...

My dad's a male chauvinist pig really.

This ^

We feel comfortable with what we have known before. Recognising it is the first step to freedom. Would you wish this legacy for your on daughter?

Ah, apologies, ross posted with your update. Glad you have seen if.

Good for you. Don't engage and kick yourself when you're tempted to.

I went for this type of guy once. I remember being like you, telling myself 'WTH? It'll all end in tears.'

He was as big a dick as I knew he could be. I think it's the in-your-face/cock of the walk vibe they give off. Who knows? I had a wonderful dad who was the absolute antithesis of a chauvinist, so God knows what hooked me...loneliness after a shitty relationship with a serial cheater is probably what drove me towards another consecutive bad decision. Low self-esteem is the culprit. Anyway... step away, seriously. Keep your heart open for the good one(s). Guys like the one you're momentarily attracted to are nothing more than time bandits.

It's frustrating. The right type of men are out there yet I'm still only attracted to the wrong type. I don't know how to change this.

I'm just glad I identified that he was a dick - it's scary to think in the past I would have probably been dragged in by him.

Does he have ‘good genes’? Tall, fit, not fat, even features, strong jaw.

There’s a suggestion/theory (can’t remember what it’s called) that at times we are attracted to these good genes from a primitive reproduction point of view. More so when we are at a fertile point in the menstrual cycle.

But these aren’t the men we actually would want to raise our children with.

He has even features and strong jaw, yes.

I suppose he fits my type looks-wise but I find him so offensive. I wouldn't want him near my daughter.

He has even features and strong jaw, yes.

I suppose he fits my type looks-wise but I find him so offensive. I wouldn't want him near my daughter.

Meh, we are biological creatures after all? Nothing wrong with that.

I think tall, manly, confident, conventionally powerful (but maybe a bit arsey to get there) blokes ARE attractive I’m a sexual way.

I spent what I call my “low self esteem” years forcing myself to be physically attracted to guys who were “nice” but didn’t do it for me physically - small delicate builds, high voices, not physically fit.

Oh, and they always would “agree with me” and tell me I was right on everything. They were passive in most things which was a sexual turn off.

One guy made a point of asking my “consent” to be sexually intimate, then wanted long winded whiny discussions about why it wasn’t good for him and how I needed to respect his “feelings”

(The kind of loser your female “friends” try to palm off on you but would NEVER consider themselves )

Until I stopped being sexually available to them, then they started getting desperate and angry and clingy and insulting?

It’s not an either/or situation - it’s not a case of “Mr Sexist or Mr Wet and passive aggressive ”.

But I think maybe this guy is awake up call that you need to find some manly attraction in the next guy you choose to date?

Or stay single if the market is tough. Or have a fling with Mr Unsuitable, you don’t need to have everything in common if you’re ok with something casual .

See it as progress, that you've identified the problem, posted on MN and can spot a twat a mile off.
It doesn't mean everyone you'll be attracted to in the future will be an arse.
Good luck!

I have something like this too. I see it almost like a warped safety mechanism trying to protect myself from the (to me) terrifying vulnerability in opening up to a more realistic option. I automatically seem to make a beeline for men who deep down I don't really want.

My dad is nice but distant and always slightly unavailable emotionally. And it seems to be this 'type' I go for now. However it wasn't emotionally satisfying as a kid/daughter and it definitely isn't satisfying as a woman looking for a relationship! 😩

My therapist tells me going for men like this is repetition compulsion. Like trying to get the emotional needs you couldn't get from your dad met by another man who evokes the same feelings in you.