Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Excluded again

25 replies

Deecee1012 · 19/01/2018 00:06

I've been with my partner for quite a few year's. When we met he'd been divorced for about 20 year's...he has two adult children aged 23 and 27.

When I first met his mum I was told that "while I appreciate your a really nice woman, you need to know that *** (his ex wife) will always come first in our family." Now I appreciate that his ex wife is the mother of his children and has built a good relationship with his family, over the years, I just feel so hurt that I'm excluded from his family events and his ex and her partner are always invited/included.
His ex has refused to meet me...she says its disrespectful to her!!

My partner says she's the mother of his children and as such needs to be included...I would say apart from these occasions and the odd message about the 'children' there's no real contact between them.

There's now another family wedding in a few months and again, I'm excluded.

Am I wrong to feel hurt...I try to ignore it all but for some reason this has really upset me.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 19/01/2018 00:11

Why the fuck is your dh allowing his family to treat you like a nobody? They're awful, yes, but he's the one who has made a commitment to you and he's letting you down badly. My dh would refuse to go to a family wedding if I was excluded.

This is not normal behaviour and you have every right to be hurt Flowers

Thistlebelle · 19/01/2018 00:20

Your partner needs to deal with his family. This is his fault for allowing this.

SandyY2K · 19/01/2018 01:24

So non of the extended invite you to anything? I can't imagine that...because my brother is on his second marriage and we would never dream of excluding her from anything.

We don't include his Ex. Yes ..she's the mother if his kids and we will never for one minute forget that...but their marriage is over.

It would be disrespectful to my brother to not invite his DW.

Honestly...your DP is allowing it and I personally would not stay in a relationship the hasn't got the balls to stand up for you .

Mycashybear · 19/01/2018 01:55

Although I don’t necessarily agree with this. You were told this in the beginning so the family namingly your MIL was upfront and honest.
A bizarre situation all the same. I’m not sure after all this time there is much you can about it.

SD1978 · 19/01/2018 02:03

So her new/next partner is welcomed happily- and it’s not seen as disrespectful to their son, and that’s ok- but she doesn’t think it’s approrpiate for his partner to be invited?! That is weird, and disrespectful to him and you. They are rude and I’m not suprised you are upset. I would be very angry with the double standards, and quite frankly since you’re never invited to important family events anyway, would be quite happy to confront the two faced lot of them!

pallisers · 19/01/2018 02:10

Your partner needs to deal with his family. This is his fault for allowing this.

This. They are treating you the way he is letting them treat you.

OldBook · 19/01/2018 02:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oxcheeks · 19/01/2018 02:46

So ex-wife and her partner have an invite, but you (if I understant this) as the wife of the father of the 'child' will not be invited?? If this is correct I really don't understand this at all???

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 19/01/2018 03:20

Which side of the family is the wedding on? If her side then kind of fair enough? On his side it’s crazy.

Hmm, is there a really big age gap between you and your partner?

ALittleBitConfused1 · 19/01/2018 06:56

There is very little you can do about this situation after all this time, you can't make his ex realise what a hypocritical cow she is, nor can you make his family realise how stupid and rude they are. On the same note your can't make your dp acknowledge what a spineless disrespectful twat he is.
However you can decide to change how you react to their treatment of you. You could tell your dp that you deserve better and are off to find it, bye.
I get that when families break up and the children need to come first, and that it's nice for ex in-laws to continue to include ex partners for the children sake, we do this and i think this sends a very powerful and healthy message to the kids involved.
But....the kids are grown up, their marriage was over before you even met him, this has been going on years and finally they include her new partner.
She needs to get over herself, is she always such a delicate little princess? Your MIL needs to learn some fucking manners and your p (he is not a dp) needs to grow a pair and learn some respect.

Jobjobjob · 19/01/2018 07:01

Tell him straight, he either sorts it or your off!

Disrespectful to his ex wife, total fucking bollocks! Why is she allowed to move on and introduce a new partner and he's not!

Mad 😡

AmberTopaz · 19/01/2018 07:05

So not just his ex, but also his ex’s new partner, is invited, but you’re not? That’s crazy! Whether or not she has more ‘right’ to be there (as mother to the children), he certainly doesn’t!

Your DP needs to stop this nonsense.

MrsBertBibby · 19/01/2018 07:35

What happens if you get married? Will you be allowed to attend your own wedding?

Your partner needs to shape up, or get used to being single.

KayaG · 19/01/2018 07:47

Your DP needs to deal with this. He sounds horrible.

MessyBun247 · 19/01/2018 07:52

Ugh that bullshit OP. Your DP needs to sort this. Is it not hard to love a man who won’t stand up for you?

hellsbellsmelons · 19/01/2018 08:55

This is crazy.
Your 'D'P is a complete wet blanket.
He needs to stand up for you and tell them that she can move on and so can you.
He is their son and they aren't going to accept you and include you then he won't be seeing them again.
Job done!!!
If he won't do this then I'd seriously wonder why you are still with a spineless wimp!

Original poster
Deecee1012 · 19/01/2018 09:33

Thank you all for responding...I'm not an overly sensitive person but this does 'hurt'. We live at the opposite side of the country so contact isn't much apart from the family events.
My partner moved to be with me...one of the things I struggle with IS his attitude to this issue. He's a good man and our relationship outside of this issue is fine. I've been through some pretty awful times in the past few years and I honestly couldn't have asked for more emotional and physical support. My son has a disability after an accident and again...he's been so supportive.
This exclusion by his family is the elephant in the room!
He did say that he wasn't going to attend the forthcoming wedding but I'm not convinced - he's from a very big family and his ex wife is very close to 3 of his siblings, she goes on holiday with his sister every year.
I feel like I WAS the 'other woman' !!

OP posts:
bluebell34567 · 19/01/2018 09:38

can you act and feel like his family don't exist? do cbt.
do you have your own family nearby?

MyOtherProfile · 19/01/2018 09:41

Did I read right that his ex wife AND her partner get invited? Isn't her partner being there disrespectful to your dp?

He needs to bring this up and say that he is with you and wants you to be included in family events just as much if not more than his ex and her partner.

knowsmorethansnow · 19/01/2018 09:47

Why is her partner ok though ?

Original poster
Deecee1012 · 19/01/2018 09:50

bluebell34567, that's what I do normally, I tend not to think about them.
I have some great friends and although most of my family are dead, the one's I do have are again, really supportive.

I do wonder if guilt plays a part in all this - my partner left his ex for another woman and the break up they had was a very painful one and from what I know she wasn't in a good place for a long time. He was actually supporting both his 'kid's until last year financially as they were still in education.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 19/01/2018 09:57

Yes but they're not just shaming and disrespecting you, they're doing the same - worse in fact - to your DH.

Does he really not see this?

His ex and her new partner are made welcome.

So your MIL is effectively saying to her son -'No, DS. Of course (ex-wife) has moved on and is happy with a new partner, like a grown up, and that's fine, we have no right to criticise and wouldn't dream of not making him feel as welcome as her. But you? No, little boy! YOU don't get the same consideration. You're not allowed to do the same - if you do, we'll humiliate and punish you for it, by not recognising your new partner. You have to stay exactly as you were. We don't respect you. We refuse to treat you as an adult. She's our adult friend, you're actually still a little boy.'

Tell your DH this and ask him why he thinks they have so little respect for him and why he accepts that!

My guess is that they fear that ex-wife is more the core parent than him, so if they alienate her, they may lose the GC in some way (even if adult). Also, ex-wife is friends with the siblings, so has moved into 'friend' territory.

Either way, HE'S really the one being humiliated by his family.

altiara · 19/01/2018 20:02

Very odd. I get that in their world the ex is part of the family. (From a thread the other week!) but... she moved from “ex” to “family” and her partners included in things, so surely they would want to include their DS with his partner.
Agree with fizzy it’s disrespect to your partner. V v v odd.

Howlongtilldinner · 19/01/2018 20:25

You have options here..

  1. Completely detach from them, no contact whatsoever.
  2. Insist your ‘d’ p sort it out.
  3. Leave him.

He probably feels, as you have little contact anyway, that it’s not that much of a problem. Personally I doubt he’ll do anything about it, he seems to be out on a limb as far as his family is concerned.

I wouldn’t actually want to have anything to do with any of them! The MIL sounds charming, I think I’d have walked there and then Hmm

I’m sure guilt does play a part, however, this is very disrespectful to you, and I’d fast lose respect for him too.

I hope you work things out OP, this is nothing personal to you because they don’t even know you, they sound like a bunch of ignorant fuckwits which you d,ont really need in your life anyway!

eggsandwich · 19/01/2018 20:26

Why is it not considered disrespectful that her husband can be present when your partner is there how does that work?

I’m afraid I’d be kicking off big time, how would he feel if your ex said the same about him, and what’s with her issue with you anyway?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page