Relationship

[Looxxlooxx]

I have a long question to ask. I have been in very bad relationships / cheated on lied to , emotionally and mentally abused for over 10 years. I was single for 2 and regained my self esteem back . It was like being brought back to life coming out of that turmoil. I met a lad in September 2016. I was very weary and made my feelings clear that I had been messed around so was very messed up from previous relationships . He knew this . He told me for 2 months on and off that I was the only girl for him . I kept worrying about my feelings throughout and pulling back from the relationship . I didn’t want to get hurt and had my guard up completely . I still spoke to other lads on the internet and I gathered he did too but he said he wasn’t interested in anyone else and that I was he only one for him. By December I had a lot of family issues going on and I broke up with this boy . He still spoke to me and pursued me. He went out two nights later and I knew in my gut he had taken someone home with him. I get a gut feeling about things and it’s usually right . When he messaged me I questioned him and he said he hadn’t but then he admitted to going home with someone but said she went home in a taxi because he missed me and swore on his families life and I believed him. I went round his house quite upset but knew i had messed him around and he was single . We old each other we loved each other and slept with each other and I stayed over . The next night he went out with friends and I waited in for him . He didn’t come home. He came round the next day and blamed his friend being overly drunk and that is why he stopped out. I spent Christmas with him and my birthday. Christmas wasn’t a good time for me as I don’t speak to my family due to it being so dysfunctional. Iv been hurt a lot through massive relationship problems. When it got to New Year’s Eve my partner went awayto visit family’s he kept telling me how much he loved me but I just felt really down and I knew I loved him and wanted to believe him but I had doubt me about someone on his social media and brought it up New Year’s Eve. On New Year’s Day he came home and I caught him snap chatting the girl I had doubts about and I saw a look of dread on his face . He blocked her on all media . By January with my stress family issues and worrying with my problems I had doubts about my partners lying . I felt guilty for replying to a message off a boy so I told my partner and said I shouldn’t have done it and maybe I wasn’t over everything I had been through in my past . He then went on a 3 day bender and got with another girl straight away. He was kissing her and asking her out texting her . And I was heartbroken aahin. I knew my head was messed up but I felt like I had been honest and being punished for it . We continued to argue while he acted like he didn’t care because he had this new girl on the go. I couldn’t eat for a week and you head was completely battered . I asked him to be honest with me and he denied kissing her when I was being told he was . He knew I was upset and he just kept saying ‘you’ve messed me around . I said I did love him but he should have been honest about his feelings and he said I pushed him on to this girl . He kept this up for a week and even went out and met her again. By the Sunday I was drained . I just realised that perhaps I hadn’t been fair on him. I went home and he asked to come tour. We talked about things and slept together and I said I didn’t want the girls feelings to be hurt even though she laughed at mine and told my partner he had to message her apologising her for leading her on. I waited all the next day and I could feel in my gut that something wasn’t right . The girl was still on all his social media as he was off with me . I met up with him and I said ‘did you do the decent thing and apologise for messing her around and he said ‘yes’ . I asked to see his message and all it said was ‘he needed a weeks breather to see how he felt about things . So basically keeping his options open . I was furious . I told the girls aunty that he was a player and just wanted him to leave me alone. She informed me that he’d actually asked the girl food and she declined so now I know he only came round mine because she said no. He waited outside my house for hours and begged me to get back with him. He said he wasn’t going to keep her in the back ground and that he just was looking for a coward la way out and he knew it was wrong. I loved him and I wanted to give him a chance but I said he had to stop lying . He then admitted that he had infect slept with that girl at Christmas. He only admitted it because his own mother dropped him in it . And he was still snap chatting her up until new year. So we decided to start fresh make everything official . I committed to him completely. I never wanted to hurt him with another lad I wanted a proper relationship. Obviously we had a lot to work on. Iv now reason to beleive he’s flirted on holiday. Iv caught him in the kebab shop after town flirting with a girl who then told him to ring her after town. He’s now admitted that prior to us he had been seeing her on and off behind her own bfs back. He says he didn’t flirt with her but I knew what I saw . He’s lied about money . He lies quite a lot and with his last history there’s cracks . I went though his phone. I know someone’s going to pipe up and say ‘you don’t trust him etc but I’m holing I get a really good reply in what to do about this relationship . But on his phone I found out that he met up with that girl again a couple of days after he slept with her and denied it and let me wait in for him. He’s never admitted it but I asked the girl and she confirmed it. So he sat and watched me cry and went and did it again and only stopped speaking to her because I caught a snap chat. We were going out all last year and as the plot thickens when we became official I got pregnant . I never thought I could have children. So with the added bonus of financial issues , family issues , boyfriend issues I now had a huge life choice to make. I had only been with my partner officially a few weeks and with our rocky few months I didn’t want to bring a child up scraping and probably on my own a child is a life time commmitnent and Iv thought about the termination every day since it happened April 2017. My partner has sat and listen to me watched me cry and as much as he wasn’t so suooortive in any decision I was about to make Iv neeeded to know I was secure with someone before doing anything . I have bailed my partner with money. We’ve gone to some amazing place last year and I’m je makes me laugh we care for each other but there is that feeling in my head that he is a cheat. I found his behavious when hes drunk to be over flirty and he lies about stuff. Iv since found that the whole year he has been literally stalking one girl on social media and putting her every picture in his mates group chat saying how much he fancies her and (pardon my use of language) he would ‘cum in a minute and be ready again for her in 10’. This wasn’t a one off this was all year January February March. Even two weeks after my termination:( who would even think that while they are in love with their girlfriend. I think once was a mistake and to say someone is fit yes but constantly shows me that he had intentions or am I wrong ? He doesn’t have a chance with this girl as she doesn’t even follow him back and she has a bf and the worst thing is I know her and we have always liked each other’sposts. I rattled my brain for weeks like when he was saying stuff to his mates about her in a group chat I was oblivious saying ‘I love you can’t wait for our hojudaysm and he was just interested in creeping like that. I understand this this is a long post and I really hope I get some good answe soon but my question is , is my partner sorry or sorry he is caught. Does he love me or is here a massive potential that he will repeat again what he has done. I no longer trust him. We argue all the time. I say hurtful things in retaliation and now Iv got to the point where Iv lost all respect for him wondering how he could betray me like he has done. I don’t want a relationship where he can’t go out or we argue every s day. Everyone who meets him says he’s a lovely person but Iv seen sides to him now that question his morals . Would he have gone withe the girl he fancies so much over his own gf if given the chance? Thank you in advance xxx

You don't trust him, he doesn't support you, he cheats on you and stalks other women. You argue all the time, and it sounds like you're his second choice after some other woman.

It's hard to imagine how this could be any more toxic. Break up with him once and for all. There is nothing by heartache and tears down the road with this one. Find a normal bloke with less drama.

I think your relationship with him sounds very toxic and I can’t see how you can trust him. The way he treats you and lies to you indicates that he is just going to keep on doing the same thing and hurting you over and over. For your own self esteem and emotional health I think you need to leave and never look back.

That was meant to say ‘he was supportive in any decision I made about the pregnancy. I was really sick and he was so supportive and took time off work to help me. He has put up with a lot of my issues but. I can’t get out my head him choosing to go out and meet that girl again after he lied about sleeping with her and he slept with me. I can’t get out of my head he fancied someone else my whole relationship and because I caught it he removed her off everything. It doesn’t make it any better. I argue constantly and feel insecure about my own body now. He tries to tell me he loves me and I’m the best person he’s ever laid eyes on and he made a mistake. But once is a mistake. If I was so important and special he wouldn’t be behaving like that. Oh I also found messages where he said to his work colleagues hel have to arrange a night out and ‘bring the Work wife with him’ . I don’t know what that means but apparently there was a young admin girl at his work and “the lads used to say it as a joke because they were both the youngest. To me I feel he’s been flirting with her probably made remarks about her to the lads and saying how she’s his work wife. Friends have used examples from their experiences saying ‘Work wives and husbands usually means flirting or some kind of interaction.
I don’t want to be constantly reading into anything but I think I’m right again. Do you think? Xx

God this is confusing and you sound incredibly young. Anyway...

The relationship is going nowhere. He’s lying to you and cheating on you. You (rightly) don’t trust him. That’s no way to live.

End it. Go cold turkey and totally block him. You don’t sound capable of being friends with an ex or having any kind of contact without slipping back into sleeping with him. It isn’t going to work out. You will be miserable for the entirety of the time you are with him. Do yourself a favour and extricate yourself now.

I nearly lost the will to live about halfway through all that, I honestly can't comprehend why anyone would put up with a fraction of that shit. To put it bluntly, he's a sleazy, lying, cheating twat and your 'relationship' is a toxic mess. I'm sorry to be blunt but you need shocking out of this Jeremy-Kyle-esque car crash. How many times is he going to lie to you, disparage you to friends and workmates and fuck other women before you realise that? He doesn't care about you; stop sleeping with him, stop all contact with him and get yourself an STD check. You're worth more than this, start believing it and start acting like it

He’s a player. He will not change. He is not sorry he did it and he will do it again, he has never stopped flirting with and communicating with other women and why would he? He has clearly shown you that you are not enough for him (which by the way is no criticism of you - no one woman is enough for a player) and this will not change

You need to leave for the sake of your happiness and mental health.

So the consensus is unanimous, put an end to it. By the way, at least in the US "work wife" doesn't denote that there's anything flirty or romantic going on, it's just a woman the guys works closely enough with so that they spend a great deal of time together. My DH has one and it's not an issue, it's just the nature of his job and the fact that the number two person in his department is a woman.

He made out he’s bearly spoken to the admin girl (only to say hi passing through)
My friend had a work husband . People used to say ‘there’s your work husband’ because she fancied him and that was known .
Another friend caught messages from her partners phone making remarks about a so called Work wife which she questioned . He denied it saying that it was a running joke . Turned out they were messaging and meeting. Maybe two bad examples but my gut tells me he’s flirted or at least made remarks of her which is inappropriate with me at home. I wouldn’t do that to him.

I have to say that I have done things out of retaliation Iv got so mad at him. Iv said some really hurtful things which I regret but I just feel betrayed. I know now I’m my heart he couldn’t be trusted . He only stopped doing things when caught and he will go out and flirt again and I’m looking for a partner who can be honest not sneaky about and lie to me . He says he’s changed his ways and doesn’t go out anymore but it doesn’t change what I know he’s capable of doing xx :( we have had some really good times and he’s very laid back and patient with my issues but I don’t know how someone could do what he’s done if you care about someone deep down . You just couldn’t xx

I don’t know how someone could do what he’s done if you care about someone deep down . You just couldn’t xx*

So what are you going to do about the whole mess?

Good grief.
You need to be single and sort yourself out.
No-one should put up with all that and I didn't even get to the end of it.
Did you get any support or counselling after your abusive relationship ended?
If not then do this as a matter of urgency.
Contact Womens Aid and ask about their Freedom Programme.
Do it fast.
Your last relationship has left you with many boundary issues and the fact you can't see this is toxic and should end is very worrying indeed.
Do some work on yourself.
Find out who you are.
Protect yourself from abusive men.
You will keep repeating this pattern if you don't sort yourself out.
You went through a lot and need some help processing it all.

Sorry I struggled to read the whole post but this is true:

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.

Please please learn from this and move on. Do not tolerate any level of bad behaviour from anyone ever again. If someone genuinely cares about you he won't treat you like this and won't make you even question if he does.

Good people do exist. You just need to keep looking and throw out the rotten apples the moment the worm pokes out it's head

Thank you for your support . I have just actually finished counselling which I have had for 3 months . I’m going to make time to practice yoga and spend more time doing things that help the mind. I worry that I may be making a bad decision leaving him. Hes never shouted at me he’s more laid back about things and taken a lot of grief for things . I have shouted and caused arguments an awful lot being paranoid. He doesn’t really go out (which I don’t know now if it’s becsuse of money) but I don’t want a life where I’m mierable and stopping him doing things he wants to do. He goes on a stag do in June and I’m already nervous about it. I don’t trust him. He says all he can do is prove but I think he’s already proved what he’s capable of hasn’t he. ? Xx

P.s work husband/wife is a term to describe someone you get along with well at work. Any more than that and it's plain and simply an affair ( or the beginning of one)

Leaving him and working on yourself is not a bad decision. You cannot be in a relationship with someone where you’re stressed 6 months ahead of them having a weekend away with friends.

I'm so sorry. He doesn't love you. He is cheating now, he will cheat again and seems to be actively pursuing different women. He may be infatuated with this particular girl or enjoy the thrill of the chase or just be a predator. Does it matter? This is a bad man.

How old are you both? You keep referring to him as a "boy" and to other "girls" which is making me quite uncomfortable seeing as you must be in your late twenties.

He's broken your trust. You dont have to give him the opportunity to do it again (and again and again) end this now before he ruins what is left of your self respect. You've really got to put yourself first. There's plenty of other men out there who aren't dicks. Go forth and find one!

Good plan OP.
You are not making a mistake ending this.
Just because 'he doesn't shout at you' doesn't make him any less of a cheating abuser.
Mindfulness will help you as well if you like Yoga to unwind.

There are plenty of men out there who won't shout at you. They also won't cheat on you, lie to you, abuse you, manipulate you or stalk other women behind your back.

You pointing out his one tiny good point is like saying that cancer isn't so bad because you'll lose weight from the chemotherapy.

OP - you sound incredibly confused about what you want. You sound as if your MH is at risk; I would (in your shoes) back off from anything and anyone that could affect your MH so.

Be single for as long as it takes to feel strong again. Be very aware that this 'man' is not helpful to your MH, nor your sexual health. (Get STD tested, the dick is probably rotten)

I worry that I may be making a bad decision leaving him yeah, so he is hurtful, cheating, lying, dismissive and disrespectful to you. Do you really think that is all you are worth? The only way this would be a BAD decision is if you get back with him.

If you stay with him you will have a very unhappy life.

There are lots of men who are nice and don’t shout at you who also don’t sleep with other women.

This is a big mess.

FWIW I think you made the right decision re terminating the pregnancy, though it doesn’t mean you are not allowed to be sad about it.

You both sound a mess TBH. I do think you have messed him around a lot with pulling him closer then pushing him away, saying you don’t want him then being jealous about him being with other people and it’s not ok to get into a relationship but say ‘I can’t cope with being a normal partner because of my past’ - if that is true then don’t be in a relationship until it is sorted.

I think there are also red flags in his behaviour - obsessive behaviour at the start, pressuring you when he knew you were vulnerable then gaslighting you about his relationships with other people.

I agree that going completely no contact and totally ending your association with him is the best thing for you. You should also seek some therapeutic support re your history of abuse from family and partners and the termination and take relationships completely off the table until you are stronger.

Oh and make sure you sort out contraception, I’m not sure why you thought you couldn’t get pregnant but it is highly unlikely that that was ever true, you might have some factors that mean pregnancy is less likely than other people but it is not likely you were ever told you 100% could not get pregnant. There is also the issue re STDs, you should be tested and should be mindful of using condoms in the future, especially because you have had several experiences with men who cheat on you.

I am 32 and he is 26. Sorry I referred to people as boys and girls as a gender thing. Perhaps men and woman would make you more comfortable. I would say lads and lasses as well.

Yes I know I have messed him around at the beggining but that was for my own Personal problems of getting hurt ‘which he knew of’ but not to go between people. And in that case I would have respected more honestly saying ‘that’s fine but I’m also seeing other people’ so that not flitting between girls .

I didn’t think I could get pregnant because I was in long term relationship for years and the boy who I was with cheated on me. I hadn’t been with anyone and in the relationship I was in I knew he was lying so I went to the doctors and then carried about my normal life. It only came about when I received severe cramps in my lower stomachs that I got hospitalised and I was told I had an STI which came out that I had contracted 9 months ago which should have been told about at the doctors.
I was given an operation from pains which reported back that I had one severe scarred Fallopian tube. Let me also say that I was given the wrong notes to take home from my operation that said ‘I had been sterilised’ who my mother rang the hospital and they said ‘no I had 100% been given laparoscopy and asked my mother o destroy the notes .This in fact scarred me mentally I got out the relationship after another year. Found another boyfriend who I fell in love with who was even worse and violant towards me. I was in a very toxic relationship for 8 years on and off on and off and I know as you stated that this was my own personal issue so Iv had to really work on myself which we can all agree is a very hard thing to do. We know what’s right and wrong and sometimes we make the wrong allowances and sometimes we can pass wrong judgements . Like I said I spent 2 years mainly on my own after breaking away from that relationship and did feel I had Become stronger. I was happy but things like that don’t leave you and your eyes have been opened up to things people will do.
I found (my current partner) I didn’t hear bad stories about him. Or bring a cheat / violant and he was described as most people to be ‘completely different to the type of boys I usually go for’. So I wanted to give him a chance. He knew who my last boyfriends were as they were well known (men) and With everything I have described I would have expected him to be a little more honest with me. I have held my hands up and said I probably did mess him around but he has covered up lies and I don’t think going out and meeting a girl you’ve slept with hours before me and lying about it warrants how iv been unsure. I understand that you are all right and I probably have let this go on too long . But I did want to beleive that he loved me. Because I have gone throhhh the issues. He is kind. There’s times he’s come home to where I lived after a 12 hour shift and started tidying the whole house. He plans adventures for us and we generally have a good connection and enjoy each other’s company but for the reasons I have brought up to you all with the lying and the sneaking and he has lied about other stuff since and me not letting it l that his thoughts were more bothered about fancying someone than my pregnancy it has made me question what I am doing . Thank you for your help. You are all kind x

I can see why you would feel after all that that you could never get to a point where you will feel able to be ‘normal’ in a relationship.

However, getting into any relationship whilst you are still suffering damage from the past pretty much 100% guarantees that you will be damaged further.

It’s not your fault, you are just wanting love, kindness and happiness to overwrite the horrible experiences you have had up until now but it is essentially where you went wrong with this guy (you have no control over whether he treats you well TBH only whether you are with him or not).

The part you can control is not setting yourself up for failure by having relationships when you are still hurting. Being ‘upfront’ about your past relationships also leaves you very vulnerable because it will attract abusive people who will see you as an easy target.

People who are not abusive and have your interests at heart would tell you ‘I’m sorry you have been through that, I don’t want to take advantage so I don’t think we should date until you are better’ or something of that kind.