To have thought things would work out!!

[Bug81]

I have been dating this guy for abt 6 months, he has two kids, boy 13 and girl 12 years old. Their mum died three years ago, they had separated for a while before she died. He works full time and his new boss has been giving him a hard time. He had hoped he would have an Au pair but then he wasn't able to get one before the kids started school in September. We tried sneaking around at some point just to have time together, but we stopped that as we didn't want the kids finding out. He tried talking to the kids abt him dating again and the daughter said NO. He didn't want to get a babysitter from online agencies, said he hadn't heard good stories. He has no family around. At first, he was so optimistic but now seems like he has stopped trying. It has been hard to meet. He's always stressed and frustrated and complaining abt how hard things are, kids and work and that it's frustrates him a lot not being able to meet up. Says she's very clingy, doesn't sleep well at night and she doesn't want to go to friends. She complains when he goes out to see his friends who live 5 mins drive away. One time, she told the dad he had abandoned her to go see his friends. He says he doesn't really like being secretive and hiding from kids". Says it's difficult for him as the kids aren't keen on the idea of him having a gf. Kids aren't happy that he leaves early and back home from work late. He says he doesn't want kids to rule his life but he worries abt their happiness.

I told him a while ago that perhaps we should break up but he didn't want to. This isn't going anywhere as we keep going round in circles. I respect him for being a great and committed dad but I think it's abt time we went separate ways. I feel that if the kids don't give him a go ahead to date, then this is a waste of time. I care for him a lot and I understand he needs to do the best for the kids but feels like no effort is going into us. The best we get at the moment is an hour lunch. Recently told me he's an introvert and am an extrovert, that when he's quiet, he just needs time to reset. I have dated so many guys, but there was something abt this guy, we connected so well. It felt great, but I guess what we want, we can't always have. It hurts to walk away, but I guess it's got to be done. Want to tell him it's over tonight. Am hurting so much that I don't even know whether am making any sense. Am I doing the right thing??

You really have my sympathy as this sounds so tough but if it’s not moving forward and you can’t see a way that it will then I think for your own sake you need to protect yourself and allow yourself to be able to move forward.
It also sounds like his daughter needs some kind of help in the form of therapy of some kind as she sounds traumatised by losing a parent and is experiencing a lot of separation anxiety which isn’t really surprising given what’s happened. I’m not sure that her dad has quite realised that and I don’t think it’s fair for you to be waiting around.

It's not just him having a gf that is the issue here. She is have problems with him having friends too and any time he is away from her. She's lost her mum and is obviously terrified she will lose her dad too. He needs to seriously consider counselling for her, bereavement or otherwise with a
child counsellor. It's not going to get better on its own.
I don't think this will be a quick fix, so it's either grabbed moments between you with the worry that she will find out her dad is lying to her and the consequents of what she will see as a breach of trust or you need to step away until her anxieties are dealt with. Are you prepared to wait long term?

Thingsdogetbetter

I have been patient and my bf doesn't want us to break up but seems to be stuck in the middle of everything. I don't mind waiting but am struggling to see how this is going to work. At first, it was trying to get childcare so we can have time together, but with them complaining about time with him, he wants to do that to make them happy. All I get is a lunch (not so often). Am not sure he thinks they (especially the daughter) need(s) counselling, they did get counselling before.

This is sad, but he really isn’t in a position to date. He has too much going on and only he can resolve it.

You’re doing the right thing.

OP did you post about this a few months ago?

It also sounds like his daughter needs some kind of help in the form of therapy
This absolutely.
His kids have lost their mum.
They will have serious abandonment issues.
They need his full attention at this fragile age.
I agree that he's in no position to date right now.
I don't he will be until the youngest is around 16+
So this is your call now.
Do you want to wait around or move on with your life and find happiness with someone that is available?

Hellsbellsmelons

I agree I think his daughter especially needs some form of therapy as she's the one who has more issues (will suggest this to him).

I really care for him, but I doubt I can hang around for four years waiting. We both said we don't believe taking a break would work. And am terrible, when I move on from a relationship, I never go back. We talked abt a break up, but to that, he said he didn't believe breaking up would solve the problem. We both seem to want this relationship (if am not mistaken), but I hurt not having time with him and I get why it's not happening, and I can see that he hurts a lot too. Truth is we can't go on like this. It's not healthy for the both of us.

Winstons Wish helps bereaved children. Maybe you could point him in the direction of their website.

They're just not ready. The kids suffered a loss when their parents separated then another shortly after. This is catastrophic in their lives and they are nowhere near ready for another big change. How sad for everyone.

RedExpat

Thanks for that, he listens to what I suggest so I will recommend that.

Cheesytoast

It's sad for all. Thanks for yo comment

Sadly you have to do what's right for you and this guy just does not have time. I am currently seeing someone and I have two small kids full time. It's hard, but I make the time for him even if it's only once a week for a few hours, I make sure it's quality time. If he can't do that, then you don't really have a relationship.

Best thing to do is break it off, who knows if he really misses you and wants it to work he will find a way. His daughter definitely needs some kind of counselling but again it's up to him to do that and you can't wait around. I would end things, as sad as it is. Who knows what may happen in the future, but you can't wait around for some kind of commitment that may never come.