Hey All,
Please bear with me - I'm going to try and summarise what feels like a complete whirlwind of emotions.
So, I met my ex 4 years ago - at the time I had a better job/no debts/was more independent and he had a multitude of payday loan debts, poor credit rating. Hed also recently lost his license because he forgot to change the address so he ended up staying at my house for 3 weeks at the beginning. Anyway, he provided something I never had which was basically emotional security. He did nice things for me and I felt 'safe' with him (I have a history of witnessing DV and a traumatic childhood). He was a reserved man; I made the first move in terms of kissing him and when he told me he loved me he actually said 'Do you think we're falling in love' as opposed to 'I love you'. He was quite passive. I felt he was a little boring as he wasn't particularly forthcoming. He was nervous.
Anyway, I was using his iPad about a month in and I noticed he'd book marked a site for no-strings sex, particualrly with older women. I was so shocked when I read what I read on his profile. I was also sad because it didn't marry with the man I thought I saw in front of me. I confronted him and asked why he was still on the site. he told me he didn't use it which I believed but I asked him to delete all other profiles he was associated too. He didn't and I kept finding more and more, confused as to why he wouldn't delete them. He also had a private photo app on his ipad which he later claimed only contained pics of his ex, despite him telling me he didn't know what was in there when I asked. Anyway, I felt betrayed and worthless because he kept lying and uncovering things bit by bit. I admit, I became obsessed with finding the truth and was open with him in that I would find it if he didn't tell me. I'm ashamed of that now. He swore to me he had told me everything. I was also annoyed because I was giving him some money at this point because he didn't have any and he was still paying for subscriptions to this site. He told me he resorted to these sites because he was so unsuccessful with people 'our age'.
Anyway, we moved in the following year and we started arguing a lot. I became quite resentful towards him as I was starting to notice that he didn't take responsibility for anything. I started on antidepressants and there was one occassion where we argued and he went to meet his parents. He left a voicemail by mistake andhe was telling his mum I didn't let him do anything which hurt because it was false. I spent the whole day crying and worrying because I couldn't get hold of him. The next day he apologised and admitted that he was also to blame and he would tell him mum that. I told him it was probably too late as her view is already coloured.
I bought our first home 2 years later and he couldn't go onto the mortgage because of his bad credit rating (He continued to take out credit for stupid things that he could afford and I never understood that). I also put all of the money into the house as I had the deposit. I always got a feeling with him that he would do things to make himself feel better - I struggle with affection and asked him not to hug me straight away when he got home from work yet he continued and would wonder why I got frustrated. I turned into a pretty nasty person and ended up calling him lots of names out of frustration - he would do things despite me asking him not too as though he was trying ti wind me up. He would lie over the most silly things.
When I was 3 months pregnant, he came home and told me he needed to tell me something. He told me he hadn't been completely clean with his history and revealed that he'd slept with prostitues because his mates 'pushed him into brothels'. I panicked and asked him whether he was STI tested before he slept with me - he told me he wasn't and my heart sank. I asked him this years before and he said he had, he swore on my life. All of a sudden he was denying he ever said that. I was a mess - I was so upset and felt so betrayed. I remember almost tantruming like a child and he wouldn't apologise. Instead he left for a few days and apologised a week later after I'd contacted him numerous times asking him why he was blaming me. Luckily, he had an STI test and he was clean.
A month later he approached me and told me a girl he used to date had asked him on a drink and his words were 'thats strange isnt it'. I said, ok, well tell her no because you're with me. There was a lot of debate and he wouldn't just say no. Eventually he messaged her and said it was in appropriate. Normally I woulndn't be bothered but it was the way he'd put it too me. I asked him if he fancied her and he said she was attractive. At this point, I ended up being a mess..again.
I had the baby and struggled to connect with him. I breastfed for 7months and was off work for that amount of time. His mum swore she would help me on a monday because she was off work but she never did. I felt completely unheard by my other half and called her to ask how I could communicate with him because I'd tried everything. She as good as ignored all of it. She apologised a year later on my sons first birthday for promising me to help and not doing so.
I became more and more verbally abusive and i felt like my other half was triggering me. I told him I had an issue with abandonment yet he would just up and leave during an argument. Even though I was abusive, I am a reflective person and would tell him not to stand for it. I told him he shouldn'tbe treated like this. He finally told me that I was responsible for the break down in the relationship and I had to change if we were to stay together. My world fell apart and I ended up in A&E having a huge panic attack. I convinced him over about a week to stay with him and he only agreed because his therapist told him to support me. I vowed to ;get better' and got a psychiatric assessment and was diagnosed with BPD and PTSD. I went onto medication and started to seek therapy. He moved out and I told him I needed space to work on me, after all I was the one who needed to change. He told me he wanted to apologise to the girl who messaged him because she was going through a divorce at the time and he was ashamed of how he responded and I agreed - of course he should.
I made great progress and when I asked him, he even admitted it. My HV asked how I was going and when I said i felt less dependent on him, his facedropped. two months after the assessment he kept accusing me of speaking to him how I did 6 months before. He would come around to my house and tell me I wasn't coping. I was offered a job in london and he told me I wouldn't cope despite me saying I would quit right away if it impacted us. He wanted my business money to be joint money and when I told him I wanted to do a uni course with my money he was upset because I hadn't consulted him. He walked off in the middle of Manchester and left me crying chasing after him. He also told me he would look after joah at his so that I could settle on my meds and told me I needed to sell my house because I couldn't afford it financially. I put the house on the market but it didnt sell and we agreed to take it off before xmas.
He started mentioning moving back into together but I refused as I knew it would turn back 'toxic' again. Family would ask if we were still engaged and he would say yes but I would say no as the point was I would 'get better' first.
Two weeks before xmas, we argued more and more and he would frustrate me by blaming everything on him. He would still point out 'everything he did for me' - even the slightest things like myself and our son staying at his house in winter because it was cold. I was met with 'I've changed my night for you' which obviously made me feel like a burden. I ended up leaving and going home. He kept commenting about how unsustainable our livingconditions were (he moved 40 mins away) and how he felt like he didnt have time for himself - I commented that I was doing my best to increase time with our son and that indeed was happening - I'd take him over night and for full days. My ex also started shouting at me more and when I used to ask him to stop because of my PTSD, he continued. There was one occassion where I'd just managed to get our baby to sleep and he walked in to get the monitor, waking him. I said 'nice one' he he flew into the room, putting his face right upto mine saying 'shut the fuck up'. This was hugely triggering but he didn't apologise.
the Thurs before NYE, his parents visited. I said I would come and see themon the thursday but was meeting a friend on the friday. He started saying he didnt like the fact i had more free time and I commented that he'd chosen to spend his free time with his parents. We argued and I left. I didn't hear from him the next day and he told me he was gaining perspective on the relationship. I panicked as this was my trigger. I couldn't get hold of him until 8pm that night when he was so nasty to me - he told me it's probably a sign that he hadnt read my messages. I was crying and he told me he 'wasnt doing this' and put the phone down. I ended up in A&E in a complete panic and still couldn't get hold of him. At midnight i got hold of him and he was telling me he was just gaining perspective because it wasn't sustainable. I told him I wanted to discuss it and he told me i was a wonderful person and he told mehe loved me.
The next day he broke up with me over the phone. He told me we didnt work. He was completely emotionless. I went round to collect our son and his parents ignored me. I was in bits. The next day he told me he was going to go to his parents with our son for 5 days. I cried and he said he had a meeting down there on the Thursday. i agreed so that he didnt have to do lots of driving.
He then cut me off and said he was turning his phone off and he would let me know if there was anything important with our son. I was in bits and text his dad to ask him to give our son a NYE kiss. No reply. I then got an email telling me not to contact him or his parents as it was over and all we needed to discuss was our son and the house (my house) and that he would continue to have full time care of our son and would let me know if there was anythingi needed to know. I had a massive panic attack. I also found out that he'd 'apologised' to this girl the night before we broke up, while I was in hospital at around midnight. He's since been trying to meet up with her but she doesn't seem keen. She stopped mesaging and he senther a message asking whether he'd made her feel awkward.
The days that followed, I had the usual questions as to what the hell happened. I got nothing other than he wasn't clear but he just knew he couldn't bein the relationship. I pushed him and said he needed to tell me he didnt love me anymore for me to move on. He eventually told me he didn't love me anymore.
He returned on the Thursday and we had a brief chat. I told him that I had taken all of this personally and I felt unloveable. He told me that he had no doubt someonewould find me loveable one day. He also said he needed time outside of a relationship to learn how to love himself - I was banging my head against abrick wall. This is exactly what I had wanted. He also said he was attracted to me but maybe we were just supposed to be friends.
Just like that, he has cut me out. He refuses to speak with me in person and on the phone. I asked for 50/50 custody of our son and he told me he would take legal action as he didn't think I could cope. I was reasonable and said I would get any proof he needed. He's since dropped this and I have my son 50/50. He keeps making claims that he was primary carer for 12 months which simply isnt true. He called me after he'd sent me an email stipulating what documentation he needed to see and told me he wanted to speak to me as he was on his way to sheffield and didn't want it hanging over his head.
He lost his job recently and i called him needing to know what was happening as I would need to change my circumstances to afford our son, completely. He didn;t give me any information and I found out from the childminder he'd been offered a role for 6 months. I called him and he told me to stop being annoyed and angry at him. I text him to ask him to stop claiming i was being uncivil. He told me I was being selfish and he had a lot on his mind.
I just dont get whats happened. Is it natural for me to want to get answers? I'm so confused but also racked with guilt as to how I treated him/spoke to him in the relationship.