Best friend pregnant- I feel rubbish

[latara23]

One of my best friends is pregnant again, she told me at work yesterday & while I'm very happy for her I privately feel a bit upset too.

I'm 41, no children or partner although I am dating.
I unfortunately didn't find any serious partners in my 20s / early 30s as I attracted the wrong sort of men (I was a bit of a party girl & they all were bad boys or just wanted a bit of fun).

I planned to hopefully settle down in my 30s but got serious mental health problems instead. I spent a few years with depression & psychosis & put on lots of weight & generally looked ill. So I only went on a few dates.

Now I'm more well - I've just been diagnosed with schizo affective disorder & my medications work well.
I've lost the weight & got my hair highlighted so I look better & I'm attracting men again.

The problem is I desperately want a baby but my psychiatrists have said I should have a partner for support.
Realistically I may not meet someone serious before my fertility runs out.
Colleagues & friends just talk about children & grandchildren all the time & it just makes me feel awful & distressed as I always wanted kids but now don't even have nieces or nephews.
How can I come to terms with this??

You might still have children OP. Less than two years after meeting my OH I am pregnant with two boys and getting married in 9 days. And 41 is not very old. There's a thread on the pregnancy board about being pregnant for the first time at 49 I think.

But getting pregnant yourself isn't the only way either. You could be a fabulous step parent. You could adopt. There are so many children who need a good home and to the adoption agencies 41 is definitely still young. Even if you want a partner first you could educate yourself about this eg go to an open evening (I went to one before I met OH and it was very informative) and maybe read into it a little.

Either way there is no need to get down.

I don't know if I would be allowed to adopt with my health problems (I also have epilepsy which is not well controlled).

If I had no MH problems I would go to a clinic & get a sperm donor!!
But I struggle to care for myself at times if I'm honest.
I'm also not financially well off - I do have a house with a low mortgage from when I was well & had a professional job but I just work as a care assistant now and don't earn much,
So to have a child I do really need a partner.

Becoming a step parent is definitely an option - for example the last man I dated had a son, but he was already 14 so hardly a child.

You could volunteer with children and families. Then the responsibility, financial and otherwise, isn't yours but you get to enjoy the company of kids and give something back.

I don't know how social services would view your MH and health problems, sorry.

Also not to rain on the partner idea but I always thought that I wouldn't have children unless I could cope on my own, as relationships break down all the time. I don't want to be mean but I think you need to consider this.

Didn’t want to read and run, there was a story on this morning of one of the employees announcing her pregnancy at 46! Amazing. My mum is 49 with a 4 year old, you still have time. Maybe look into freezing some eggs.

Just because you want a child doesn’t mean you should have one and given your personal circumstances, you would probably struggle and that would be of no benefit to you or a baby.

It is difficult to accept that a specific dream, particularly a longstanding one, cant be fulfilled but that doesn’t mean you can’t find fulfilment elsewhere.

As supportive as some posters have tried to be, I don’t think they are being particularly helpful when they dismiss the OP’s very understandable and legitimate concerns over her fitness to be a parent. Kids are hard bloody work, particularly if you are doing it alone and have very little support.

I had to accept no children because of fertility issues that could be overcome with lots of medical intervention but i didn't think my mh would survive the process. It was a choice i made for my own stability. Got married at 49 and very happy.