Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

What do I do?

18 replies

nantymynydd · 27/04/2007 08:53

Am reaching the end of my tether with dp at the moment. We have a new baby (ds2) who is 7 months old and a 'difficult' baby in so much as he never sleeps and is very demanding and needy in the day. However, my dp sees none of this really as I do everything!! I have taken a year off work and therefor it is all my responsibility in his eyes. He is very busy with a project and has been since ds2's birth and I try to accomadate this by keeping the 2 ds's out of his way at all times but I need help. Explained this and last night he agreed to settle ds2. After half an hour of trying (and this is at 10.30 not in the middle of the night mind you) he completely lost it....again! Screamed at ds2, called me a c**t of a woman, hit me full force in the face with a pillow (I know it's only a pillow but it still really hurt) and stormed out of the house leaving me to cope with the aftermath of two very distressed children. I do love him but his aggression and frustration is making my life a misery - let alone the impact on the 2ds's. I really do not know how to broach this with him as he is always remorseful the next day, promising to change etc etc. Is it possible that he is suffering from a form of PND?
Any kind words of wisdom greatfully received.

OP posts:

skidaddle · 27/04/2007 08:58

Nanty, sorry to hear about your situation. I think his behaviour is very worrying. It may have only been a pillow but he still hit you. I would think very carfully about whether it is a good idea to continue to live with him as is. I think he needs to seek professional help or else you need to get yourself and your DCs away from him.

Has he only been like his since your DS was bron? Or was he always a bit like this? Either way i think he needs to seek help immediately

Lullabyloo · 27/04/2007 09:01

Sweetheart...has he been violent towards you before?

Original poster

nantymynydd · 27/04/2007 09:03

Always been a bit like this (he's an 'artistic' type and therefor he seems to think that being moody and disruptive is part and parcel or creativitiy - what BS!) but is has worsened since ds2's birth. He just can't cope and it's very isolating. Thanks for your advice, I agree that he does need some kind of help..anger management perhaps? He has been on anti-depressants in the past and whilst I do feel for him I also can't shake the feeling that he is very self-indulgent in his self-pity.

OP posts:

colditz · 27/04/2007 09:05

I thinkhe is suffering from chronic selfishness, not PND

filthymindedvixen · 27/04/2007 09:05

Oh dear Nanty, this sounds awful for you.
I believe it is possible for blokes to suffer from what you describe as a form of PND, but seriously, I think the adjustments to a man's life After Birth are nothing compared to the changes in a woman's life. However, I appreciate this isn't helpful to you, so I won't start on that soapbox...
What I know to be true is the fist year of life with a baby puts a couple under dreadful stress and the only way to get through it is to communicate. (and that means finding time to have a proper discussion)
Can you find a sitter and go out for a meal or a drink (and not too much drink ) and really explain in a non-confrontational way how you are feeling about his behaviour? Try to avoid statements like ''you never...'' or ''you always...'' and stick to ''I feel..'' if that makes sense.

Meanwhile, hope you can find some answers on here. Good luck.

Original poster

nantymynydd · 27/04/2007 09:05

Lulla - not violent per se (in the sense of punching etc) but is physically rough - he will push and shove me - perhaps that is the same thing?

OP posts:

colditz · 27/04/2007 09:07

nanty, in my experiance, men who push and shove turn into men than slap round faces, who turn into men that blacken eyes, who turn into me who will put a pregnany woman on the floor and kick her repeatedly. I watched this happen to one of my friends.

She used to try to take the pressure off him too. But Why the fuck should you?

colditz · 27/04/2007 09:08

not literally, I wasn't actually there, but I watched her rationalise herself away in a tide of bullying until she hardly dared open her mouth.

colditz · 27/04/2007 09:10

Abusive men are often truly remorseful, they genuinely don't mean to hurt you. but it won't stop them doing it again, harder and sooner.

filthymindedvixen · 27/04/2007 09:11

Has he been violent before? Are there external things that are worrying him? (work, money)

Original poster

nantymynydd · 27/04/2007 09:14

Colditz, thank you so much and I fear that you a very right as his beahviour is escalating. I just can't believe that I am in this crap situation. I'm a strong person (arne't we all?!) and feel amazed that I lead this 'other' life that no-one sees.

OP posts:

Wotzsaname · 27/04/2007 09:15

His violent behaviour is not acceptable, you are at your wits end and this is not helping. Poor you, this is terrible.

Aside from the fact he has suffered depression in the past, and may need support for that and his anger, it is you and your dds I am concerned for most, because of your op.

Agree about taking time out together with just each other to talk.

Ask him to help with something less stressful to being with. It is never easy to get a restless baby to sleep for anyone, it could have been just too much to ask in the circumstances. He must have felt instant failure at the first thing you would have like him to do. His reaction is not forgivable.

FiveFingeredFiend · 27/04/2007 09:29

You should go to Marriage guidence together and individually & anger manageement if you can afford it. I think you should realise that at anger management alone he can say " i get short tempered" or " the kids shouting grates me" which is somewhat different to "i sometimes hit, push my dp"

Please dont end up like me, i ended up hating the person i was at home the antithesis of the confident person i was at work. I became a blitherer, trying to defuse situations, on edge all the time. even shouting at the kids " whyare you doing that you know it annoys *him" like it was their fault.

Home is meant to be a sanctuary.

Tell him that artists an be decent people too.

colditz · 27/04/2007 09:32

I would put an ultimatum down - that if he ever raises a hand, shoves, pushes, throws objects or pushes objects at you ever again, you will call the police and have him charged with assault, and he will not be living in the house any more.

Then when (and I am sad to say it will be when not if) he becomes abusive again, you can call the police, and he cannot say you didn't warn him. All the depression in the world doesn't give him the right to hit push shove kick nudge throw things at YOU.

colditz · 27/04/2007 09:34

You do know, don't you, that he is treating you very badly? It's not anything you are doing. You weren't wrong to ask for help because he is stressed, you haven't done anything to deserve that outlandish reaction.

skidaddle · 27/04/2007 12:24

Nanty, I know this might sound extreme but I think it might be a good idea to get out now - not wait until something worse happens. You say yourself that his behaviour is escalating and it may be easier to start anew now before he has become very violent. Do you have somewhere you can go to? how would you feel about being a single mother?

Original poster

nantymynydd · 27/04/2007 12:51

Thanks for all your posts - do not relish the propspect of being a single mother tbh, but am aware that the situation is damaging for the boys. Really empathise with what you were saying re. the duality of a situation FFF. I put on such a happy, positive face when I am out but at home it's a different matter and the boys and I always tiptoe around DP. I personally would be very keen to try some sort og relate type counselling but DP was married before and went to a mediator with his ex wife and as a result (I don't think he heard what he wanted: i.e you are perfect and can do no wrong!) wouldn't go again.

OP posts:

lovemybed · 27/04/2007 17:50

nantymynydd i totally agree with what the others have said you really need to get out of this situation, its not normal in any kind of way and you know this.

would i be right in thinking that you have not told many (if any) of your "real life" friends about this because you know how wrong this is and posting under another name seems so much easier.

if he can snap like this with you a fully grown woman and hurt you with the force that he throws a pillow imagine what could happen if he snapped with your ds's, sorry to be so blunt but i bet we have all felt like screaming and pulling our hair out when we cant get our babys to settle but not losing it like your dp seems to do.

Flip