Sexual fantasies and broken hearts

[Coffeeplease88]

Hi everyone, hope you’re well. I’ll keep as short as possible.
My kind of ex and I had been together a very intense year. He’s 17 years older. I absolutely fell for him, completely, never felt this way before kind of thing. We had many arguments, I felt as though I was letting him down a lot, or that he behaved in a way I found upsetting.
The upset was nearly always about sex, and quite possibly the value I gave things around it. His fantasy is for me to sleep with other guys alone and video it, or threesomes, or gang bangs. We spoke about it nearly everyday. I had a guy round my house but I couldn’t go through with it and instead sat talking to him for an hour, then did “other stuff” but nothing “finished”. Then there was sexting and being on websites....fast forward to now and I’ve just broken up with him because of something that happened a few weeks ago. I went along with things when I wasn’t 100% happy about it to save upset, so I absolutely know I contributed to all this, and that side of things is not his fault.

But I am heartbroken, devastated and I can’t sleep. We are sill talking, either about sex or I’m crying down the phone.

I question myself because I feel as though I thought far too much about sex related things, which started to eat away at me and I attached too much value to it. He would say that the two are separate, that we couldn’t have the sex side without the love side or it would do nothing for him. I am very aware that I over think things.
Is it normal to be so heartbroken when I broke it off? He keeps mentioning not talking to me anymore as that what happens when two people break up, then we do talk. I’m in a pickle

Yes.

Sexually charged relationships seem more intense. It'll hurt and it'll hurt for a while. But you will come out the other side. You need to break away cut contact, and stick to your guns.

If your not happy to engage in his fantasy's you shouldn't feel like to have to. He's a manipulative shit.

Get rid. He's a porn obsessed saddo.
It's vile that he put you in such a horrible position. He's not a good person

Hey clary and rumred...sex is/was a huge part of the relationship. And like I metioned, i have for the most part gone along with things, or at least tried to, so he may not have been aware all the time about my upset, I tend to internalise things, then in the last four months I have really suffered with my mental health.

It's not completely clear from what you've said, but it sounds like you actually didn't want to do the threesomes and sleeping with other people at all? So I'm not surprised you've suffered with your mental health.

It doesn't sound like a normal healthy relationship at all. You'd do well to cut all ties, from an outside perspective.

taking out who is right and who is wrong - such an intense and sex based relationship is unhealthy and its causing you to suffer with your mental health.

he does know you and upset and he chooses to ignore it for his own benefits and I suspect is continously pushing your boundaries

Are you attaching too much value to your own body and needs as that is impossible to do

For your own sake you need to go no contact

Sorry I am being a bit vague, I suppose in case this thread is seen 🙈
We’ve never had a threesome or any group sex, but it’s been spoken about constantly, as well as me having sex with another guy alone and filming it. The closest I got to that was a guy coming round, but we didn’t sleep together...bf was extremely upset after as I’d sat and spoken to this guy for an hour and that for my bf was too personal.
There have been amazing beautiful times, which I currently cannot stop thinking about, he made me feel.
This isn’t the first dip in my mental health, however it is by far the worst and longest...and in December I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This has made things worse in that i will blame myself and my perception of things rather than looking outwardly.
I often can’t have a “normal” conversation with bf until he has climaxed. We live 60 miles apart. He says he loves and fancies me so much he wants to do it with me. Conflicting, as part of me feels good about that and in a way grateful, but the other part finds it exhausting...my sex drive has plummeted, but i know that is more me and my M/H

I think you need counselling. Sex is important in a relationship but it's not the most important thing.

Get help to work out why your mh has dipped. I'm sure you can do it

Are there more than two people on this thread making up the threesome