Perspectives on this relationship dynamic with DM please

[bunnybananas]

Hi all, had great advice on here before so would like some perspectives once more. Feel free to say it how it is as I have always had a niggling feeling that this issue is more to do with me.

I am in my mid 20s, living with DM due to current circumstances although have lived away from home before (it's not that I am afraid of living away from DM) and we have always had a lovely close relationship and friendship. For context, I do struggle with anxiety as well.

For a while now I am concerned that I feel like I cannot make decisions without the approval and input of DM. I feel like if I don't have her input and approval I cannot enjoy/pursue whatever the thing is. e.g. recently I needed to make a new semi-big purchase, DM doesn't see the point in spending so much money on said item so I ended up not buying what I wanted and could afford, and bought something cheap and basic which I now hate all because I felt such major anxiety and needed her approval. Rinse and repeat for a range of different scenarios where I need to make a choice about something or where I express a different opinion, (not always about money).

She doesn't explicitly say anything like "you're making the wrong decision" it's more the vibe I get off her, and the fake 'oh right' or 'oh that's nice' when I show her my decision/preference, or I'll overhear her telling someone about my decision in conversation and I'll hear the disapproval/judgment in her voice. I have a friend whose relationship with her DM is similar but they will get into arguments about it whereas with mine, its much more reverse psychology and subtle signals.

Today something happened which I got upset (justified) about another person's error (which has had really annoying financial repercussions for me) and after discussing with her, she made it clear that my perspective on the matter is wrong which has left me filled me with anxiety and feeling really pissed off now.

Has anybody else ever experienced anything similar with a family member/partner? I am generally a confident person, I'm not like this with friends or previous boyfriends, just her and it's not every single life decision that I need her input. Ultimately, I can't tell if this is me and my need to have approval and I need to get a grip or whether she wants me to be a clone of her and doesn't like me having my own opinion sometimes/struggling to accept I'm now an adult.

Thanks

Yes my own dm is like this. She was very controlling with me growing up and I have struggled to make my own decisions.

I haven't spoken to her for 18 months and it's been a bit of a revelation as to how much I went to her for answers.

I think you need to make a very determined effort to stop going to your mother for input regarding your choices. Only you can stop yourself from repeating the cycle. You need to come to the realization that it simply doesn't matter if she agrees with what you decide to do. You're an adult and can make your own choices and she will have to deal with it.

Hey bunny bananas – just so I'm clear, are you struggling most with the fact that you feel such a strong need for her approval, or the fact that you don't always get it from her?

If you could wake up tomorrow morning and everything was 'better', what would be different?

Thanks for your replies.

lady I think it would be that I wouldn't feel a need to ask for her help/input/opinion on something because my opinion would be final and enough. And if she did give it, that I could see it for what it was and not feel a need to then change mine.

So I'll preface this by saying I'm not familiar with severe anxiety – it's not something I've ever had to deal with myself and I'm certainly not a mental health expert, but...

I wonder if it's something you can practice? Build it up like a muscle – buy something small you'd normally ask for her input on and do it alone, and then REALLY celebrate yourself for having done it. And then share the fact that you've done it with someone else, like a friend, first, so it's not just your opinion vs hers?

Start small and work your way up is usually my way of overcoming anything that feels scary...

I'm also wondering when this sensation you're feeling (of her opinions being really heavy) started. You say you've always had a close relationship – is this something new for you? Is she dealing with something at the moment that's making her feel more defensive / judgemental / spiky? Maybe looking at what kicked it off could help you see it in a different light....

Just throwing thoughts out there – and hugs too – this sounds like one of those slow-under-the-radar burns that build up over time, and those are just as painful as the Big Events.

lady I think it has always been this way. I honestly do not remember a time when I have ever not felt the need for her approval, even when I lived away from home. So no, no recent changes. I think like you and a PP have said, I need to make it into a habit where I just trust my own decisions and don't ask DM for input. Easier said than done.

You may like to have a read of this piece about co-dependence. Your OP made me think of it - hope it's helpful in ruling out/in strategies.
www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/understanding-codependency