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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

*trigger sorry!* If your a survivor of CSA & you've told your family as an adult I need your advice

18 replies

MCNamechanger · 17/01/2018 13:47

I am not sure where to even begin with this one. I have obviously name changed for it. I was abused by an older girl when i was little, i didn't think it affected me but I've been thinking about it more and more as my own children get older and I also now realise it actually was sexual abuse where before i wasn't sure.
I have quite a strained family relationship, I feel like if i told them the penny would drop as to why I've been so 'difficult' and have gone on to make some questionable choices. But you can't untell them can you? So i guess i am just after some advice from others, Did you tell them? how did you tell them? What happened after? I am not even sure i could find the words. To make things more complicated my sibling was involved by holding the door shut and pinning me down. Im so worried about actually hurting my parents more that actually telling them won't achieve anything and will just pass the pain on. But I'm starting to feel like i owe them an explanation. Im not even sure they would believe me as the other sibling is golden child and actually it could destroy them and thats not something i want to do as they are still my sibling who i love . Once you've said it, you can't un say it can you?

If you didn't tell them, have you sought help elsewhere?

Thank you and i hope this thread hasn't upset anyone

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joystir59 · 17/01/2018 14:22

Hi OP, I'm sorry you experienced this and have lived with the effects into adult hood. I'm a survivor of CSA. In my case it was my bil and my family, when they found out, blamed me. I'm still the black sheep, partly because of the CSA and partly because I'm a lesbian. Its hard for me to advise you what to do, I would consider counselling before you tell your family and as support if they take the news badly.

joystir59 · 17/01/2018 14:24

Counselling will also help you process what happened and look at the ways in which it impacted on you emotionally

MCNamechanger · 17/01/2018 15:07

Thank you Joy Ive always thought i put it in a little box and that was that. But recently (my mental health has been deteriorating lately) its cropped up and up. Most of the time i think it would just do more harm than good to "share". But sometimes, like today i think it would help them 'get it'. But I can also see me being cast further away as its easier for them to blame the also black sheep (I've always thought the black sheep were the cool ones in the flock Wink ).

You are right about counselling, i think id minimised it to such a degree that id felt a fraud trying to access any sort of help for it. But today feels different.

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doesthatmakesense · 17/01/2018 15:16

Hello namechanger, Don't know if it will help as I have decided not to tell my parents about it, but thought you might be interested jn how I got to that decision. Firstly, good counselling helped: I found EMDR hugely helpful as it seemed to work both on my thinking and feeling at the same time. Secondly, having acknowledged and dealt with the trauma, anger and upset at having been sexualised very early, I felt like this was something that I could move on from without denying. Telling my DM and DF would certainly hurt them and might have given them some insight into my risky teen behaviour, but it wouldn't have helped resolve my anger at them. That came with therapy and self-forgiveness. They can see that something in me has changed for the better, as can my DSiLs. It takes courage to heal, and plenty of time, but it can be done. I would strongly recommend getting some therapeutic support on board before disclosing to them; you may not need to in order to get to a peaceful resolution in yourself and you will, as you say, not be able to unsay it. Best of luck.

YogaMumm · 17/01/2018 15:34

I was abused by a family member and it has affected me all my life. I told my mother at the time and she didn't believe me and let it continue until I told my dad. I spoke to my mum recently about it and she has apologised but finds it hard to believe it happened. Talking about it has made things better between us but maybe seek councilling and take your folks with you. It's upto you but you can't heal unless you open that box of truth. Good luck

MCNamechanger · 17/01/2018 16:44

Thank you Flowers
It’s hard isn’t it. Ultimately I am not sure what telling will achieve other than hurting them. Which is obviously not something I want to do. If I’d told at the time it would be to stop it. Now it almost seems cruel to tell. In the next half hour I will probably change my mind again.
I’ve never told anyone before this thread. I tried when I was about 15 but backed out and put it back in the box.
I think your all right get my head sorted first. Currently it’s a fucking mess Confused

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MCNamechanger · 17/01/2018 16:47

yoga that must have been so hard.
I guess it’s that ‘no not my child, it happens to others But not mine’

It’s easier to not believe than face it I guess.
I could see my mum being the same

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MCNamechanger · 17/01/2018 16:50

doesthat thank you for the recommendation I’ll give them a google.
As much as I want my parents to ‘get it’ I don’t want to cause them any extra hurt. I’ve given them plenty of that - some deserved some not!

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joystir59 · 17/01/2018 22:38

I minimised the abuse, in fact I didn't call it abuse, for years and years, and felt like a monster. I couldn't hear to think about it and tried to lock it in a box in my mind. The abuse has affected my whole life. Talking about it really helped me, especially counselling but you couldalso talk with a close friend who you trust. I wouldn't talk with your family until you have support in place elsewhere

Shodan · 18/01/2018 08:46

I told my parents about my CSA when I was 25. I was abused by my eldest brother.

I won't lie- I wish sometimes I'd never mentioned it. My dad had a difficult relationship with my brother anyway, due to brother's violence, and ultimately severed all ties with my brother, even to the extent of disinheriting him. (For clarity- my parents have been divorced for 40 years).

My mother, though, while claiming to be upset/horrified, has only ever used it to demonstrate how she felt about it. And has consistently, over the 25 or so years since I told her, told me how she knows brother is 'sorry', and she knows he's trying to change his ways (he's nearly 60 ffs), and telling me how terrified she is when he visits her (yet never refusing his visits).

I stopped contact with her a few years ago, but recently agreed to have contact on the strict proviso that she never mention it again. Unfortunately she chose to bring it up in a café, and the anger came rushing back and I told her that if she ever mentioned it again I would leave and she would never hear from or see me again.

However- I am relieved that I told them, as I also told my siblings. It transpired that eldest brother had also abused another of my brothers, who had kept it to himself as he believed he was the only one. Painful though it has been to know that he went through it too, it has also given us both some relief to be able to talk about it.

Only you can know what your parents are like- whether they're likely to be supportive or not. I agree that it's definitely worth talking to someone else about it first- whether that's a counsellor or a friend- just in case you need that extra support to deal with potential family fallout.

proudmum4 · 19/01/2018 11:23

Hey how old are you OP? If you want il inbox you can relate
Where about in the U.K. Are you from have you considered counselling not that much to offer where I live

Theresnonamesleft · 19/01/2018 11:29

I told my mum during my child protection hearing. She believed him. She stilll believed him when checks came back that showed he had done this to others. She believed him as it was all just a misunderstanding.

MCNamechanger · 19/01/2018 13:07

Hi well i haven't even managed to tell DH so i don't think i would manage very well telling my parents. I guess I'm waiting for it to come up in conversation and well, its not going to is it! Its the whole coming out with it cold "oh by the way...."

If there wasn't the sibling issue i think they would be supportive, thats the bit they will struggle with. It wasn't my sibling but they facilitated it. They won't know how to deal with that. Our relationship isn't great anyway so chucking this in to the mix would either clarify things for them or be used as another "lying black sheep".

I am late 30's proudmum when I've googled before theres a fair amount of support round me, i don't have the funds to pay privately. I started to ring a phone number and just hung up on Wednesday. Its just finding those words.

shodan i am so sorry. I could see my mum being the same, even now if we have an argument its about her, theres no recognition of anyone else feelings. Your poor brother, i can imagine thats mixed feelings for both of you, but brings a level of understanding between you both. If at 60 your older brother has not changed, he is not going to is he!

theresnonameleft how the hell you move on from that i don't know Flowers

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proudmum4 · 19/01/2018 16:22

Aw you poor thing :( sending you a hug.
Do you think your husband will be supportive sounds like you should try starting with him I don't know what to say but you have supper here x

MCNamechanger · 19/01/2018 18:18

I think he will be but he won’t know what to say or do (who does), I’m like a walking cliche of previous abusive relationships and he’s good about those, hates hearing about it and doesn’t say much but listens.
I feel bad, the person I am isn’t what he signed up for.

That all said, Wednesday was a bad day and I made a comment about struggling to not throw myself under a train and he said ‘don’t say things like that’
To which I responded something about but it’s how I feel and not saying doesn’t mean I’m not feeling it.
But he said he didn’t want to hear it .... so maybe scrap my first comment!

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MattBerrysHair · 19/01/2018 18:26

I was really wary of telling my parents. The reaction can be more emotionally damaging than the abuse itself. I eventually told my dm but it was very hard. She was quite unresponsive from shock I think and it's never been mentioned again. I haven't been able to tell my dad. Fortunately I have a lovely dsis and friends who are very supportive and with their help I processed it and I no longer feel the anguish and disbelief that it happened.

HipNewName · 19/01/2018 18:32

I'm also a survivor of CSA, and I did tell my mother as an adult (my father abused me). It was just frustrating, and the fall out was frustrating as well. My advice is to talk to a counselor first. Then tell your DH or best friend. Then decide if you want to tell your parents. Telling parents is such a wild card. Pretty much any one else you tell will try to be there FOR YOU and support you. Parents, sadly, might or might not. They have a vested interest in it not being true because it means that they screwed up as parents.

In my family, I played the role of "scape goat" and I thought that if my mother knew, it would change that. It didn't. I'm still the scape goat. You are assuming that your parents will believe you and empathize, and they might. Or they might not. They might minimize, or not believe you, or even some how find a way to blame you. One of the reasons that telling a counselor first is just a good idea is because they will believe you and empathize, and know how to help you process it. It's much better for you.

I've had thoughts of suicide off and on my whole life. I've learned to treat them as a sign that I need to tend my mental health. Please make the difficult call. If it is too hard to talk about the CSA on the phone, let them know that you have thoughts of suicide. It really is worth it to let them know so they can help you through this, so that you can enjoy you life.

MCNamechanger · 22/01/2018 18:50

They are all really good points i hadn't considered, your right hip I'm the scape goat and that won't change if my parents know. I want it to fix it all, and its not going to is it.

I have to admit i don't have any friends as my anxiety has just meant I've pushed everyone away, its been easier to just be a hermit. But it is no life, just an existence for my children sake.

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