My Wife Probably Doesn't Love Me

[Peruano]

Hi everybody!
I get married 1 year ago with a beautiful, wealthy and well educated Ukrainian’s woman.
We met online through a dating website and after 6 months of relationship she gets pregnant. The relationship changed strait way and we started to argue more often for very simple things. We had our second child after 12monhts. Now, everybody knows how difficult can be sometimes dealing simultaneously with 2 young kids so I will not add more about that. To cut it short we went through a rolling cost of emotion in the last 3 years. We start to argue about almost everything and any decision was painful to take as we will always have a different opinion. We took several therapists and counseling onboard but my wife was changing them very often so we had to restart everything again.
I was complaining about the lack of intimacy life from the beginning with the hope that things will change in the future but she is not just interested in sex, kisses or any type of touch.
We discussed together with the trauma that she had when she was a teenager. Her mum was a very restricted person and demanding high score at school all the time, complaining about her life and minimize her in front of other people.
I was realizing very quickly that I was not happy with her as she doesn’t accept me for what I am. We have been living together for 5 years now and we don’t have many friends in common. She doesn’t like my friends and have people around in general. I am the opposite; I like to go around meet new people and chat with strangers.
She is refusing to take contraception due to the side effects so she gets pregnant again for the third time (miss calculation again from her side). I am now considering ending our marriage. But I really love the kids and I am terrified of the idea to not be able to see them every day.
I have come to a conclusion that there is something missing in our relationship, LOVE! I was hoping that our relationship will improve after a wild but it’s actually getting worst.
I stepped out from my job for one year to work on her property portfolio, to help with the kids and to allow her to go to the university and finish her second degrees. We also get married to share the income and reduce our liability. She is bossing me around because she has this strong character as a leader while I am trying to help inside and outside the house.
I can cook, breakfast, lunch and dinner, bring the kids to school and pick them up, go shopping clean the dishes, do the laundry, Hoover the kitchen and teaching the alphabet to my kids in one day.
She doesn’t do so much for me. She doesn’t kiss me, hug me, surprise me, ironing a single shirt (I do ironing myself), sending me lovely text or email, smile at me, prepare a dinner just for two of us, ..etc.. All the normal thing that two people in love do!
After accusing me to leave on her I go back to work and now we are going to a different therapist to discuss our childhood family history as she accused me to have “anger management problem”. Taking into consideration that probably we both come from a “dysfunctional” family I was hoping to sort thing out.
I am over forty now and I have arrived at a point in which I think my wife doesn’t love me and she just used me as a sperm donor.
Am I right? Or there is something else that I cannot see here?

She is refusing to take contraception due to the side effects so she gets pregnant again for the third time (miss calculation again from her side).

And you werent wearing condoms because...?

And you werent wearing condoms because...

Out of the WHOLE thread you only picked up on that to comment on? Of course...

Leave OP. She sounds horrible and you sound miserable. Your kids will grow up miserable if this continues. You will still be able to be a father. Yes you should’ve also worn condoms if you were worried about contraception, but it takes 2 people to make a baby not just 1.

Be prepared OP, you’re a male posting this on mumsnet. You’ll get lots of sexist replies off people flaming you. Attitudes tend to be different towards males on here

Everything chippy has said.

I knew someone would say something about the condoms! Welcome to mumsnet op.

If you were a woman you'd be told he's having an affair.

I think you sound incompatible. Were you in love to start with?

I agree with Chippy

Yes we used condom most of the time.
I will say 10 over 2.

You sounds very sad and lonely OP

It does sound as though the closeness has gone. Not being interested in sex when you are in the middle of baby-and-toddler life isn't that remarkable, but not wanting kisses/cuddles and intimacy is a problem.

Do you want to save the marriage? Or are you mostly concerned with your relationship with the children if you split?

You say she is wealthy, do you know that?? My original thought was marrying for security and money etc and making sure she had kids as it guarantees maintanance and a good split of assets, but if she is wealthy that cant be the reason.

Hi Greensleevs,
I would like to save the married but I can not stay all my live with a person that doesn’t show emotion toward me.
No kisses is hags it’s orribile.
I know she has got her personal issue but she is my wife, my only women.
At the same time I am thinking maybe I should stay in this relationship a bit longer before to pull out for my kids.

Are you able to sit down and talk to her about how rejected and lonely she is making you feel? Would she be receptive to that, if you did it in a gentle and non-accusatory way? It may be that she is struggling and doesn't feel listened to or understood, and opening up the communication between the two of you would help.

If things are at the point where that conversation would be too difficult, then I would suggest writing her a letter. Focus on your desire to save the marriage and overcome your issues together, rather than complaining about her behaviour this will make it easier for her to meet you half way without becoming defensive.

I hope you can get through to her and find out what is going on for her

Hi Jetmorecrap,
She can maintaine the kids by herself.
She made me signed a prenuptial agreement.
She has 10 time more than I have.

You had babies too quick, before you got to know each other. You got married because of the babies.

Sound like both of you have retreated now into entrenched positions where you dislike each other. You feel she is cold, she feels you have anger problems.

Maintaining this relationship as it is is not going to be good for the children.

If you are to stay together you both need to be willing to work on coming together but I’m conscious that actually what is probably fundamentally wrong is that you actually were never suited to each other and have just been swept up into a relationship involving marriage and children because of not reliably using contraception (which yes, is both of you, not just her ).

Maybe take some time apart from each other to figure out if you actually even like each other and then if you both want to try and love each other.

Greensleeves and Offred,

Thank you very much for your reply and advice.

Hi Myhaertbelogto.

Yes, I was in love from the first day I met her and probably I am still in love. This is the reason why it is so difficult admit to myself that this women doesn't love me!
Masocism.

I don’t believe it is possible to be ‘in love’ with someone ‘from the first day’.

Imo you may have been very attracted to her, you may have been really excited about what you knew about her but you can’t possibly know who she is or feel anything deeper than the most superficial level when you’ve just met her.

IMO this is part of the problem and you are now married and have three DC with someone who you don’t really know.

Hi Offred
Yes, indeed.
This is the problem, I have been attracted by her external appearance without knowing her inside. This has been always my big mistake.
I have changed now, I am probably more mature man. I know what's important in a marriage now more than sex and beauty.
Maybe I should stop to be so miserable and focus on my 3 kids now, as someone said earlier I still will be able to be a father.
My kids are the happiest kids in the nursery and they play and hags each other all the time. Fortunately we are not argue in front of them and I think they haven't understood the situation.
However I do need to find a solution for myself.
Thanks you all!

Have you spoken to your wife about all this?

I mean it is very clear that neither of you are happy together with how things currently are, but it may not be that she wants to end the relationship, she might be open to going right back to the start and getting to know each other properly in order to see whether you are actually suited.

Hi Offred,
I will have to!
We are responsible for our kids now so we should man-up and facing our relationship problem.
Unfortunately she stop replying to my messages and I am going out to work at 8:00am and come back home around 7:00 and She go to sleep early so we do not see each other very much resently.
Weekend she go to the Uni all day and I stay with the kids.
We will have our first appointment together with our 2 therapists next week.
I am open to a dialogue with her of course.
Thank you.
P.