I don't even know where to start.
Im young and married. I think i jumped into my marriage way to fast, being that my husband is in the military.
To say the least, it hasn't been the easiest. I did everything i could do on my end but he hasn't. he has done a lot of bad things. From infidelity to terrible temper issues. then he realizes what he has done and apologizes. But it's a cycle that has gone over one too many times since 2016. I used to be the one trying to fix everything all the time since I didnt want to give up on my marriage right away, even though I lose a piece of me each time.
I thought this was going to be a good year, but just this past days, things blew up. We argued about something trifle and he has a temper. I know i nag, but don't all women do? Well, he lashed out and the past couple days, he went with his cycle. I am not emotionally strong and i have gone through a lot in the past with my dad leaving us (i was extremely close to him but it's like we never existed when he left us for someone half his age) and i was in a previous abusive relationship. He even had the audacity to ask for hall passes and to be in an open relationship. It hurts so much and the first time around i let him til he gave me my first STI. then he stopped bc he felt bad. The thing is, im always the one asking for sex and i know im not bad. I always pleasure him as a wife but he would be the one rejecting me of sex.
His past reasons for cheating is that he always wants something different every now and then. But he loves me so much. but idk.
Anyway, he hasnt changed and tried cheating. I found out because he forgot that he promised he would be open with all his accounts. I wasnt paranoid in the past but after getting hurt so many times, i just could deal with it and have extreme anxiety. I even told him that if he does, i wouldnt be able to take any of it. I love my husband dearly and i think that's why im so affected. He has said so many mean and hurtful things apart from trying to cheat again.
I haven't eaten, slept and rested in days. I couldn't i just feel so stressed. I've been trying to keep it together at work the past days. I havent taken an off day.
ANYWAY, MY POINT , last night, he realized what he did and apologized. After seeing me all shattered. He started to try to attend to me bc i've gotten so weak. He started trying to suggest sex, even though he knew i didnt want him or to me around him bc i told him i was done. He hurt me to the point, especially trying to contact one of his exes i despise. I felt so humiliated and worthless. he would stop trying to kiss me and try to get into my panties. I was weak, and i kept saying no and i didnt want him. i didnt want to give myself or what little i have left. he tried to keep kissing me and touch me and i started crying bc i was just so broken and beat. Ive never gotten so depressed and he just hugged me and kept saying sorry and that he felt absolutely terrible. After that, he ask if i wanted him or he would just go to the bathroom and jack off. I said i didnt want him and to go, and he slowly tried again, til he got to me.
i was just there, confused and i told him i wasnt feeling it and i didnt want it even tho he was in me. BUT i gave in and just went with it, idk why i did. i dont know if that was rape bc i continued later on but i kept saying no. I just feel like complete shit and im confused with my life right now. I feel so wrecked.
Just found this forum and saw that people answer pretty efficiently.
Thank you. I apologize for the grammatical errors