Is this normal?

[Wellfuckmeinbothears]

Hello everyone,

I can’t seem to fall asleep. I was in a very violent relationship in the past. It was hell, everything and anything was my fault and I got beaten to within an inch of my life. He put me in hospital at least 8 times. He broke my ribs, my nose, my arms, my leg and perferrated my ear drums from smashing my head against a wall. He slammed my head in his car door until I was unconscious. I cannot begin to tell you how terrified I was and still am of that animal.

I have since, very cautiously, met and married the kindest, gentlest man I have ever met. I am so in love and feel so loved and safe. But there is this nagging doubt in my head that my ex will find me. He’ll kill me. I know logically he can’t, he’s locked up for one thing, but he always told me that he would kill me if I ever moved on. I talk to my DH about this all the time and he understands my nightmares and flash backs but a bit of me feels so afraid to be in love in case my ex kills my DH or me. I am so so scared. Is that normal?

Have you discussed this with a doctor or counsellor?

Brave woman! It sounds a bit like PTSD??

What you went through was horrific. My heart goes out to you.

Oh goodness me op I’m so sorry to hear what you went through. And I’m so glad you feel safe and loved now.

To be honest I think it sounds perfectly normal and understandable that you still have fears. His treatment if you must have totally traumatised you. Have you have any professional help / support with these issues. It sounds like you, very understandably, could do with some

Have you had counselling OP? I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm not surprised that you're scared. You're very brave for standing up to him and for moving on and trusting someone else. I do think counselling will help you, good luck xx

You're amazing op! I'm so sorry you went through that. I would speak to your doctor about this. I'm sure women's aid could offer you support and information on counselling that would be best suited to you. I wish you the best of luck x

Wow OP, you've come such a long way, you should be so proud of yourself This sounds like PTSD to me too, have you spoken with your GP about it at all? Not sure what's available on the NHS but EMDR therapy is supposed to be very effective for PTSD so worth asking about that.

Getting this sorted would be like finally excising your ex from your life, getting rid of the last vestiges of his hold on you. It's extremely unfair that he's still affecting your life so maybe it's time to take that final step?

Thank you so much for replying.

I haven’t had any counselling but I did do the freedom programme. I’m just terrified he’s going to find us when he gets out. Every time a branch brushes against the window or the floor creaks I think it’s him.

Would talking to a counsellor help? My DH is so understanding but I need to learn how to live. I feel like I live in constant fear. What that animal did to me is just horrific and the sentence he was given reflects it but I just don’t know how to move on.

@Hidingtonothing thank you so much, I think talking to my dr and asking if any help is available would help. I just feel so stupid for still being afraid.

What helped me is realising , finally, what an utter coward he was.

Ooh please don't think you are stupid for being afraid. It's the absolutely normal reaction in your position and every single one of us would feel the same. It's a sensible emotion. However, a professional should be able to help you live with it and gradually come to terms with it and your new situation. I'm so glad you have someone you are safe with and to whom you can talk. You don't say how long since you got it but it is normal for it to take a long time to come to terms with it

Good grief.
You went through all that and got no counselling.
That is not right.
It sounds like you are suffering form PTSD.
Which is completely understandable after what that vile creature put you through.
Please speak to your GP and ask for a referral.
If you have a DV worker at Womens Aid and can afford private therapy then they can help you with a local therapist in your area that may specialise in this.
Do not suffer this alone.
You need some professional help.
Don't deny yourself that.

OP I have PTSD from a one off incident 5 years ago where I wasn't even physically hurt (although I thought I was going to be) and I'm definitely still affected, you're anything but stupid for still being afraid. It's a sign of your growing strength that you're fighting back against the effect he's still having on your life and you should be really proud of how far you've already come.

I would speak to your GP (and specifically mention PTSD and EMDR therapy, with the NHS in the state it's in it can be the case that if you don't ask you don't get unfortunately) and also have a look at what private therapy is available locally if funds allow just to hedge your bets.

For you to move on fully, to be totally healed and living a happy life unblemished by his abuse would be total closure for you and perfect karma for your ex and I honestly think the right therapy could get you there.

Really good explanation of EMDR here www.counselling-directory.org.uk/emdr.html if you want to read up about it

Speak to your gp about ptsd, it really does sound like that.

Thank you so much everyone for replying.

I was in the violent relationship for 4 years. 6 months in he had broken my nose and ripped off the nails from my big toes. 2 years after leaving I met my lovely husband. He has listened and understood to all of the fears I have. I love him and he adores me but he is desperate for me to stop being afraid. After my ex got convicted and locked up I felt like I should have just got over it, I didn’t feel entitled to counselling. But I would really like some. I just want to feel heard. Even though I had my day in court and saw him sent down I’m just not over it, is that ok? Should I be allowed counselling? I just feel so unworthy all the time.

You aren't only 'allowed' counselling, it's absolutely critcal that you get it.
You are soooo deserving of it!
More than most.
Your DH will
Thank you as well.
It will help with so much.
Go get it.

Yes, it's totally ok not to be over what happened to you! It could take a lifetime to get over that level of abuse without the right sort of help. You absolutely deserve that help and your (lovely sounding) DH deserves to see you happy too, it sounds like it would mean the world to both of you for you not to be afraid anymore