DH annoying me

[Foodisforfuel]

This sounds petty and feels a bit but I’d like views.
I’m getting increasingly annoyed with DH - because these annoyances are the things his father does which he (and I) find annoying.

Basically turning into his father.
Examples include- making “helpful” suggestions which aren’t asked for. They’re basically a way of trying to get someone to do it “his” way. For example he said to me “why don’t you do that on the tablet?” Well I was fine doing it as I was and I’m not stupid.

Inherent assumption that he is right and everyone else has to present their view and try and persuade otherwise. He does this with the dcs and will only give qualified apologies eg “I’m sorry if I hurt you” - when he knows he’s hurt someone’s feelings because they’ve told him so!

Anyway none of these things are major but they’re building up and I’m finding it hard to deal with.

Has anyone turned around their marriage such that they dont find their dh so annoying?

I’ve name changed for this!!

I think its totally normal for your spouse to annoy you. I could honestly muzzle my husband sometimes but i dont because i love him and although he aggravates the absolute shit out of me life would be very boring without him around i use the counting in my head method or i smile and nod and carry on doing whatever it was the exact same way i was doing before he spoke. If your husband and you were to have a very open and frank conversation he would probably also admit to being annoyed by you.. i know my husband would! I drive him nuts. on purpose

What does he say if you bring it up (calmly) for discussion? I suppose it's the intonation how he says it, rather than those exact words? I could be told “why don’t you do that on the tablet?” but then it would probably be appropriate to say it.

You need to talk to him. Not when you are annoyed.

Turning this kind of thing around is possible but it will take work on both your parts.

Is he really just now turning into his father? Because if so, what caused the change?

Yeah sounds pretty normal to me. Been with DH 32 years, he's great but if he's doing anything in the house, fixing something for example, he needs full concentration, like he's trying to stop bomb from detonating, he can't talk and work at the same time. Also, when concentrating, he narrates what he's doing, I really feel for his work colleagues.

These are pet peeves and, I think, most marriages have them.

MrsDilber he does sound entertaining

OP I’m with you there’s nothing worse than a qualified apology

Best to just disengage and observe him if you can

I think it's pretty normal to feel annoyed by your partner/DH. I adore my fiancé but often find myself irritated by something he's said or done. Never anything huge, but mild annoyance is a very common feeling...

We all turn into our parents to some extent. I'm sure he thinks you are turning into your mother

It's normal

Given he dislikes it when his dad does this,talk to him about it. If he is amenable, could you have a code word for the times he turns into his dad?

For example if he starts telling you how you do something if you said 'pumpkins' he would stop.

We don’t see my mother and she didn’t raise me for the second half of my childhood so he wouldn’t know

Oh I know I annoy him. But me being annoyed by him seems to reaching unbearable levels.

Someone asked what changed - I suspect It is partly because of how he is with the dcs. His parents can be quite passive aggressive in criticism - e.g. they’ll “suggest” someone does something differently, or they’ll “joke” about something.

I’ve noticed that he and his siblings lack a bit of confidence, are critical etc and I suspect it’s how they were raised.

I think this is the route of my annoyance - I don’t want the dcs to end up like this. Don’t get me wrong, I have my flaws and am quite reflective in how I parent the DCs because I worry I’ll make mistakes. But DH isn’t like that or at least he doesn’t openly admit it unless I really push him (because he doesnt like being wrong).

The biggest problem we have is that we are both working in stressful jobs and I can see that it’s affecting the DCs - homework is slipping, not keeping up with their reading because I am the one who has to drive it all and when I’m mentally exhausted, I can’t do it all. Dh will make noises about knowing I make more effort then doesn’t do anything to help!

Whoops that turned into a rant.

Anyway, I need to make changes. Dh and I have talked about making changes but the thing which hurts is that he hasn’t seen that this is necessary until he himself could see how DS wasn’t doing so well at school. I kept saying it was an issue, but he never accepted it because (I felt) he doesn’t take my words at face value.

You do need to make changes.
The resentment will build until you literally hate him.
You don't want that.
Would he agree to counselling?

For now, every time he does something similar to his dad I would say 'Oh... there you go again Frank' (or what ever his dads name is)
But get some outside help to tackle all of this and get resolutions and compromises in place.