MIL from hell is on her way...

[ladygarden]

Help me girls - I need some strategies for coping with the old bag. They are arriving the day after tomorrow and DP has said they might stay for a week (they never say when they are leaving which is awful!) FIL is OK, under the thumb and doesn't say much but MIL goes on and on with meandering stories that have no conclusion, usually about DPs childhood. I know she doesn't give a toss about me (all the photos she has at home are of DP and DD and never ones with me in!), but I'm the one who will have to put up with her all day whilst DP is at work. I also know she bitches about me behind my back and is just waiting for me to put a foot wrong.

The other thing is that DP and I have been having some fairly serious problems lately and their arrival could really be the final straw. As DP once said I shouldn't take her too seriously but she drives me up the wall.

How does everyone else cope with nightmare MILs???

I banned mine from having any further contact with us ever again. No help to you I know, but I do sympathise completely. I guess you will have to frequent mn for longer periods until they leave

hmm i posted a similar thread and the whole visit from some of the in-laws ended in complete disaster Im afraid I suggest wearing earplugs and start drinking in the day

Keep walking, keep busy and tire her out. Hoping she isn't fit of course. Picture it she's about to sit down for her nice cup of tea time and you say, right (even if it's hailstorms outside) off we go, we always like to keep active and she has to go on a long walk preferably uphill for ages and ages til you deem it time to go back home. Keep busy in the kitchen, cleaning out the bathroom, loo especially etc etc. Helps me anyway!

GOOD LUCK

ladygarden - It sounds as though this is the last thing you need right now. If you and your dp have been having problems recently, couldn't he ask them to postpone their visit? A week or so is a very long time, and if dp is in work and you're at home, that means that they're going to be there with you for hours each day, which is not on. Are they the type to go out for trips on their own? If they don't have a car, I suggest you find info on trains, buses etc and a pile of stuff from your local tic (tourist info centre) to encourage them to go out and about. If they won't do that, then rope in friends to invite you and the kids to their houses for morning coffee (10am til 12, say) or afternoon play (2pm til 4pm, say), or make it up if the kids are too little to blab the truth! That might sound mad, but I hope it helps!

YEs. MIL is a racist, judgemental, opionionated cow, she takes special pleasure in criticizing everything I do, in blaming me for the little patience DH lately shows to her attacks, she can't loose a simple oportunity to compare me with DH's old girlfriend or to make any racist remarks about me and my family... and if I complain about that, she only says I'm too sensitive and that she will always say whatever she wants (even if that has eroded our marriage to no end).

This morning I have asked DH for a trial separation (which I have been considering for the last 6 yrs) and who's comming to visit next week? MIL!!! everything will go through the window!!!

So my advice is, if your MIL doesn't meant to tire you with meandering stories/purposedly offend you, ignore her. If she is nasty on purpose STOP her before is too late!

I cope with mine by avoiding contact as much as I possibly can. We visit her, which means we dictate length of time spent in her company. Your situation sounds miserable. I'd make sure I got out of the house on my own at least once a day. Plan now little 1/2 hour / hour trips you simply HAVE to do each day. Stay sane!

I leave the room and count to 10 or failing that (more often these days) completely lose it. And her relationship with me is better than with her Son in law. Good God!

This time we're off to stay with them. Actually I am dreading it.

Chandra - I remember you saying on other threads that things were bad. I'm sorry that you're having such a tough time. If you're going through this, the last thing you need is a visit from anyone, let alone someone who always makes things worse. Could your dh ring her to say that now is a very bad time and that you all need time on your own?

I've got 4 days with mine. And have an active plan of swimming, tumbletots, mother and baby group etc planned. Great shame that all these things absolutely, positively only let mum accompany the babies..... thats my story and I'm sticking to it.

Also I do a lot of cleaning......

I really wish I had some coping strategies for you but short of putting them all on a desert island so that they can pick holes in eachother rather than us thats all I can suggest. I just hope one of yours throws mine to the sharks!

I pity DH for having such an awful mother and on sunday I told our boys(Ds1 mainly as he understands) that they are no longer allowed to call her Nana but have to call her by the actual name after she walked straight past us in the street with just a disgusted Hello. She hasn't seen them in about 6 months so if that all they get then she doesn't deserve the honour of having them call her Nana. She's burnt her bridges now with the children and I hope I never have the misfortune of seeing her again. Stupid f*cking bitch, I hate her guts!!!

Is she capable of taking DD out on her own, or minding her? Just keep saying you want to make sure she makes the most of her visit by spending precious time with her grandchild, and you know DD will love it, and what a geat gran she is....and rush off for some quality time alone!

Mine is an alcoholic passive aggressive chain smoker. Just had the pleasure of a visit this past weekend. I planned lots of activities that I just "couldn't get out of." I suggest doing the same. And ignore the under the breath comments about things.

Also, try not to hold it against dp, especially since you are having troubles. It's not his fault that his mother is a pain. In fact, really you should give him a little sympathy...he's had to deal with her all his life. And he won't be able to make excuses to get out of being with her while she is visiting.

Thank you everyone, you've been fab and at least I've seen the lighter side and got a few ideas now! She is going to be extra bad this time apparently as the doctor has taken her of her HRT and she is having mood swings and hot flushes, so that's something to look forward to!

Also, I find it hard to separate my bad feelings towards DP from the feelings I have for his mother. I see traits of her in him and him in her and it is so, so unsexy! It takes me at least a week after they've left before I can see him as a man and not her little boy again!

I am now planning my hectic schedule for the next week...

Much sympathies from me! My MIL drives me up the wall. I have been strict with dh and told him they can't stay in the house now that we have ds 9not enough room) and when they come he has to take leave so I'm not left on my own. I second Fio2's suggestion of drinking during the day - it works wonders for me

Don't have in-laws but my dh has children, grown up. One of them lived with us for 18 months (groan). I used to be out a lot when she came in. One time I was so desparate to be left alone I even pretended to be asleep. Other things are find a long book, have a long bath, cooking (as long as she doesn't interfere) and doing something like cleaning out a cupboard which uses up plenty of time.

God I must be sad, but I have actually practically hidden in a cupboard when in this situation!

I used to go up to my bedroom and read and she'd knock on the day and say 'you don't want to be all on your own up here'.... actually YES, that is why I'm here

Plan some trips out, anywhere, and lie about them. I never had this problem with my MIL, who was in Oz and who died soon after our wedding, but we do get quite a lot of Ozzie relatives/friends of dh passing through and some are a bit hard to take. I have, in the past, invented academic conferences I have had to attend and sloped off to a friend's house for a few hours. Can you think of an association you supposedly belong to with an AGM, or something like that?

Am laughing a lot as I read these posts!

Also sympathise about the MIL situation tho based on some of what you guys are describing mine seems less of an effing nightmare than I had previously suspected! (Though an effing nightmare nonetheless!)

Do you think that some day our daughters or sons in law will be posting like this about us???

My MIL is soooo into our dd and her own ds that I book myself in for facials, go to see friends and go away shopping by myself on the basis that I'm grateful to have quality time to myself and to allow them quality time together, too.

I don't do it in a malicious way and I do need to spend a bit of time with her but I lay on thick that my dd loves to spend time with her grandma and it's good for them to have time by themselves!

Also, recently I had a bit of a breakthrough that involved not trying so hard to be the perect DIL and just letting her get on with it while I read a book, etc. I was knackered before she came so it wasn't a conscious tactic but I felt much more relaxed and less concerned in general.

BTW - drinking during the day is also a great tactic as is going to the bottom of the garden for a big swear.

Chandra,
You wee soul. You are having a truly crap time right now. Can offer nothing but sympathy in bucketloads.

Hope no one minds me posting on this thread but just need to ask for a few opinions. Inlaws are staying in England until September and have never taken our children (their only grandkids) out ever not even to the shops - in fact when they visit us they just sit and read papers/mags/flyers anything but talk to/mix with/get to know our children. Kids are now 11 and nearly 8. They have announced to dh this evening that they want to take the children to London for the day but I feel apprehensive because they barely know them and not sure I would trust them to be careful IYKWIM. Does anyone else think this is rather a "big" trip for a first? PS: Kids don't really want to go but are now feeling pressured by their dad. Also Inlaws want them to go and stay with them for a few days this holiday which they don't want to do but dh won't tell them they don't want to do it.

Jampot - good grief, no way! a) why would you ever send your kids off with someone when you're not 100% sure they will be safe with them, b) why would you ever force your kids to go on a "treat" that they don't want, and c) Grandparents have to earn this kind of time with the grandkids. You can't ignore someone for years and then suddenly expect to be best friends.

DH's parents are buying a new house at the moment and keep making comments about "when dd comes to stay for the weekend". They have never changed a nappy, given her a meal, got her dressed, put her to bed, babysat, taken her out without us, never been there for her when she was unhappy or grumpy. They are wonderful fair-weather grandparents, they play with her for hours - as long as she is happy, and I am there to see to all her needs. Why would they think I would trust them with her for a weekend? Wierd.

Frankly I think you should talk to your PILs and say look, you've never spent any time with them without us, why not start small - take them to the cinema, or to Macdonalds, or something. Say, how lovely that you want to get to know them better! They're worried about coming to stay with you cos they don't feel they really know you... No point asking your DH to say this - they're his parents and he can't see the situation clearly.