Controlling DH

[Graceflorrick]

A year ago I would’ve told you that my marriage was perfect! My DH is kind, looks after me, he’s a great father and financially we are in a strong position. On reflection though, i’ve noticed that his behaviour is controlling. Examples;

He monitors what I spend on clothes or haircuts and will moan about the amount and then I’ll feel bad.

I wanted to apply for a job which would’ve involved taking a pay cut, he wouldn’t let me apply. He said no!

He’s linked my phone with my iPad and reads my text messages, asks me why I’ve been on certain websites.

I want to change my appearance, he doesn’t want me to and is off with me.

I wa miserable in a previous job, we could afford for me to resign but he wouldn’t let me.

There are lots more examples. Now that I’ve realised, I’m far less attracted to him. When I try to talk to him, he dismisses my thoughts and won’t accept that his behaviour is upsetting.

I earn a lot more money than him, I feel as though my only value to him is earning potential and he resents me spending money on myself. What do I do about this? Counselling?

Yes, counselling for you.

Not as a couple until you have your head on straight.

Right now, disconnect so he can't read your texts and monitor your web habits. Lock it all down. You could tell him it is tighter security arrangements at work maybe. Or pretend it is a tech fault (that never gets fixed). Or tell the truth, you talked to some friends and acquaintances about it and they said it was creepy and weird so you've decided to go normal.

When you find the strength to pay no attention to his moaning, his criticisms, his attempts to control, then you will have the power back.

Ignore it. And take your phone / ipad to the store and have them checked and unlinked, if you need tech support.

Just tell him that you earn the money and you get to decide how you spend it. It's a partnership, not a dictatorship

Take the control back. Don't ask him if you can apply for a job / leave a job / have an expensive haircut etc. Just do it.

Sounds to me like he feels emasculated because you're the bread winner, so he's controlling you to ensure you know where you are in the pecking order!

I’m completely broken this evening, I feel like I want to walk away from this marriage.

Thank you for your responses.

I will definitely take the devices to the Apple store.

Stop accepting his controlling behaviour..talk to a solicitor about your options.

This is controlling behaviour. Stop enabling him to have power over you. Get your haircut! If you want to take a job then do it! Get support from women’s aid and counselling

Have you got RL help?
Have you got children?
Get out.

Do you have DC?
If not then this is a no brainer.
Un-twin your devices.
Set up your own bank account.
Work out finances for the interim.
So you each put in a % of your wages and the rest is yours to spend however you want.
Change your look. Do it this weekend!
Stop giving him the power.
Take back control of your life.
If no DC then I'm saying LTB!
You will be so much better on your own.
Not having to answer to anyone else.
Having control over YOUR own money.
Why would you stay (unless you have DC)
Maybe give Womens Aid a call.
Ask about their Freedom Programme.
Do it so you understand more about abuse and controlling behaviours and avoid twats like this in future!

Sorry - I see the word father.
And of course, as with all women minimising controlling abusive behaviour, he's a great dad - yada yada yada.
So stop giving him control.
Do what you want.
And change jobs. He can get to fuck!

You do not have to put up with his controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviour.

You have a choice, maybe have personal counselling, gp may be able to refer you, or find a private one via the BACP website, to explore your choices.

Tell him he has a choice, he either stops or he can leave.

Do not put up with his shit.

If you are worried about how he may react, contact 'woman's aid' for help. If he escalates his behaviour and you are scared, phone the police.

Get your 'ducks in a row', make sure that you have all of the paperwork regarding savings, pensions, finances, passports etc and ask a trusted family member or friend to keep them safe for you.

Get legal help.

Keep your strength up,