Terribly depressed about dating post divorce

[Greyandtiredbrain]

I’ve been online dating on and off now for nearly three years. In that time, I’ve had one six month relationship which I ended as we weren’t very well matched long term, and one fling which lasted a month. Fling man finished it on the basis he was going through a bad divorce, but he actually met someone else. I was very disappointed at the time as I liked him. I’ve also had a disastrous but all consuming crush on a man at work who I totally fell for. I’m still struggling to not have feelings for him. A year ago, he was (I think) interested in having an affair but I turned him down as he was married (although unhappily). He has since separated but is now beginning a relationship with a woman I work with in my office. She and I were good friends and she knew I liked him. So we are no longer friends (also painful). It’s incredibly hurtful to watch things unfold between them, and I’m contemplating leaving, even though I know I’m being ridiculous.

I’m the past 2 weeks I’ve been chatting on Tinder to a guy I quite liked the look and sound of and we were due to meet for the first time on Thursday. He messaged tonight to postpone it for ten days (!) due to work, so I answered with a ‘you sure you want to meet?!’. He has since unmatched me! Just like that! We’d messaged a bit and had jobs, interests in common. It feels a bit harsh to have been instantly cut off!

I suppose I’m just feeling very low about it all, and probably a bit lonely and past it. And I cannot get my head around the fact that it seems to be virtually impossible to meet someone. I separated 4 years ago this summer and just assumed that I’d be a bit spoilt for choice. I’m 47, a single parent with a fairly young child, and beginning to face the sad fact that I’m increasingly unlikely to meet anyone I’m genuinely interested in. My ex on the other hand is living with a 25 year old and having a ball!

Why is life so bloody hard and depressing like this?

Sorry you're feeling down op. Maybe you're not ready for dating.

Online dating can be harsh. Your colleague sounds like a bit of a player but you will get over him I promise xx

Have you seen the online dating threads on here? There's reams! Lots of ups and quite a few more downs. And lots of handholding and straight talking.

You really have to be so resilient and not take rejection to heart though and I agree it's gruelling!

I'm 51 and do a bit of online dating on and off - I really try to move things to a phone call, video chat or meet-up as soon as is decently possible to not waste your time or theirs. It's so easy to project onto someone based on their profile and messages when they might not be all that IRL otherwise.

FWIW, this is such a shitty time of year as well. Nobody feels at their best.

Keep plugging at it - with breaks - and don't give a thought to your arsehole ex bolstering his ego with a woman half his age. It's all acting out, surely?

It's so bloody shitty that middle aged men seem to be able to pull young women at the drop of a hat and yet us middle aged women, well, don't. I've very recently been well and truly dumped and I already feel despondent about the prospect of dating and finding a future partner. Im not looking yet but I don't hold out much hope. It's shit isn't it. My advice is always to join a cycle club!! They seem to be full predominantly of blokes!

Thanks for replying. It helps. I just feel awful - probably not just about the dating but the shitty situation at work (I just feel so uncomfortable, and it’s a high pressure environment, lots of fee earning professional men, v competitive etc). Failed to get an interview I was hopeful about. And then the nice seeming guy on Tinder. January grimness all round.

I will look at the dating thread, thank you.

Honestly, I hear you OP. Sometimes you just want somebody to do the running or at least meet you half-way - it doesn't seem too much to ask, does it.?

I've often been struck by the mismatch between the quality of the men online (with some exceptions, obviously) and the available pool of women... Hey ho.

Check out the Online Dating RULES in particular -
they'll keep you sane until you get over the work / weather / lovelife hump and strike lucky (it's totally a numbers game) x www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3124646-Dating-Thread-126-Should-OLD-Acquaintance-be-forgot-Yes-sod-em-Its-2018?pg=1

And that's pissy about the no interview for something you'd (also) mentally invested in. Dunno about you but I always think I perform better face to face than I look on paper.

A bit like the online dating though, don't let it put you off applying again and again x

Fosterdog - Men in lycra though. Don't they all work in IT and care more about their carbon framed bikes (or whatever) than single females ? Like weekend warriors (runners / fitness nuts), IME they all seem very absorbed in beating their personal best and fiddling with their kit (not a euphemism)

Foster said It's so bloody shitty that middle aged men seem to be able to pull young women at the drop of a hat and yet us middle aged women, well, don't

I wish that were true. Although I don't want a young woman.

43-year old man here (who doesn't cycle or wear Lycra). Been single nearly 8 years, haven't had a date in 7 years. tried OLD several times, total disaster.

I have a 40-year old female friend who has been single 11 years, very attractive, interesting, intelligent, no children. Did lots of OLD. All she got were a fair few first dates and seeing three guys for no more than two months each - first didn't have time, second was a married liar, third was a total wanker.

OP, you've done FAR better than both of us!

In fairness 50 Y/o man here I don't need a single monogamous woman in my life, I am enjoying the whole 3 - 6 month flings or dumping as soon as it gets serious or any hassle.

worrynot You sound a real catch.

Met my two school friends last week, (as I do every year) both mid 40's, NO children. Their dating history and current is a nightmare.
Most of the guys they meet are utter idiots. The dating scene sounds horrendous.

Saying that, my mid 50 friend met a lovely chap on her first date, post marriage, and has been dating for months.

I have sympathy!

I wonder precisely why your ex chose to dump you by text after 3 years, Worry?

Notadrill Yeah, he's a fine figure of a man. This is how he says he got over his "bitch" of an ex:

1. Sadness try to reconcile
2. Shag everything on the dating site
3. Talk with her descend into anger
4. Revenge (little bit of sleuth work) and an angry ex of her new partner
5. Recover
6. New partner (but not committing again)

Hmm, I’m not particularly a fan of the 3/6 month fling personally but being honest, I can see the appeal of it for some people. Women do it too, according to a male friend of mine, so it’s not just blokes. As long as everyone’s honest about their intentions, etc etc...
Having been through a fairly tricky divorce, I’m not even sure I want a big heavy relationship - I’m wary about getting too involved at this stage, and I’m not sure I’ll ever live with someone again or (shudder) share finances.

Having said that, I really would like to meet somebody decent I can go out with, have intelligent conversations with, monogamous sex, odd weekends away etc and generally have fun.

This seems impossible to find. 3 years on and virtually no options! 40 something men all seem to be after young 30 somethings. Early 50s largely tend to have older kids and want to go off mountain climbing/ island hopping/ city breaking etc every weekend which I can’t do. One guy I met was fun, intelligent and but openly said he wanted to date multiple women.

Just to rub it all in, the work bloke is totally my type but he has opted for a childless 32 year old. He’s 46 ffs...

Ps: interesting point, Oblomov, that your two friends don’t have children. I often assume it’s much easier without kids but maybe it’s more an age thing.

Aaargh!!!!

Hey done my time the children bit and they have been well provided for, now I wan an easy non-committed life. It's a lifestyle choice not a slight on one's character.

Worrynot1
But are the ladies aware of your 'lifestyle'? When you start dating them?

My colleague met someone when at your age. A bald auditor. It was on a different dating site though. Now they have a house together, very happy, and a lot of children every other week.

I know it doesn't make you feel any better, but it's nice for me to know there are other people utterly fed up and miserable with the woes of dating/life/lost love etc. Makes it all feel a little less lonely.

OLD is like job hunting. A complete slog full of lots of rejections and near misses. I'm a few months into my second stint and it's brutal. But the fact remains that, like anything in life persistence and hard work are key. You only need to get it right once after all!

As a childless single 34 year old - most of the men my age seem to be married with young families. I do usually tend to date 40 - 45 + as they tend to be divorced and already had their kids ie don’t want me to have any more for them!