Think my OH is going through my phone

[Lolly17]

There's no issue if he is, but I feel a bit upset he'd feel the need to?

I asked and he said "no why would I" but my phone keeps going missing and he miraculously finds it when I leave the room and tells me where it was... but it's never where I left it.

Am I going mad.....

that’s his issue and she has every right to put a security code on without worrying about his feelings!

Yes of course she has every right to simply get arsey and choose a cause of action that makes things worse! It all depends on whether she wants to act in the best way to try to save the marriage or whether indignation is her preferred reaction!

Firstly, she needs to consider whether her husband is controlling and abussive or whether he’s a good man that she loves who is insecure.

Personally I’m looking at this from the view that her husband isnt abbusive and from wanting to save the marriage. I wouldn’t put the onus on the OP to stay calm and try to fix this is her husband was abbusive but many of us at one point or another get insecure. We don’t want to feel that way and often it’s not a reflection on our partners, just our own insecurities and so do need to be lifted and reassured.

In this case her DH doesn’t admit to checking her phone so I’d stick an app on to confirm he is, then once you’ve got him admitting it you can start to move on with the reassurance and both identifying and making any changes needed.

So now consider if the OP simply changes her security code. What effect do you think this would have? Yes, she’d have privacy but would this help the marriage or make things worse?

o now consider if the OP simply changes her security code. What effect do you think this would have? Yes, she’d have privacy but would this help the marriage or make things worse?

It’ll bring things to a head to be dealt with or it’ll reassure. Personally I’m of the opinion if you’re at the checking up stage then your relationship is probably beyond saving anyway.

I’m surprised at how many people are against putting a lock on their phones. Makes me wonder how many people check their OHs phone

This is quite bizarre because if he suspected you of something surely he'd be more surreptitious about it and put your phone back where he found it. Does he do any other odd things?

this could simply be OP being forgetful of where she places things
Bollox.
It's happening a lot.
He is a lying gaslighting twat.
Put a new passcode on it and do it quick.
You'll soon know if he's snooping.
Put a charging point in the kitchen or somewhere prominent and plug it in all the time you aren't using it.
You'll know for sure if it's going missing.
But you feel like you are going mad. He is doing that to you.
And unfortunately, this sort of behaviour is usually projection!
He may well be cheating and he's trying to justify it by snooping on you and trying to catch you out!

is it android or iphone? as pastabest says, there are apps which take photos or alert you if people try to unlock it.

Joysmum how is it ‘getting arsey’ to put a lock on your phone? If she is sooooo forgetful then surely putting a lock on is sensible in case anyone else finds it. I mean, thank goodness every time she loses it, it’s at home and only he has found it...

I'd put a lock on it as proof you do trust him.
He keeps saying he found your phone in abc place when op is sure she left it in xyz place.

So if she trusts him, then her memory is playing up and it's wise to put a lock on in case she leaves it somewhere outside the house.

If he has any reaction to there being a lock on the phone then that's a different story.

hellsbells
How you can accuse a person of being a "gaslighting twat" and the other things in your post is quite concerning, off one simple post.

Yes, she's said the word Keeps going missing, but she never specified how many times. That could be 3 times in a month or 10 times in a week. Because guess what, when I misplace something I normally mutter how "things keep going bloody missing".

Now unless OP has missed a massive point out and there has been other weird behaviour , I don't get why you would lean towards your partner purposely moving your phone.

It's easy to read between the lines.
We all do it all the time.
People are creatures of habit.
I'm not going to minimise what OP thinks is happening because this is probably exactly what is happening.
I'm not going to go along with her DP and let her think she's going mad.
She's not.

Personally I’m of the opinion if you’re at the checking up stage then your relationship is probably beyond saving anyway

I’m not because that how I started out thanks to my own insecurities, not because of my DH.

So I come at this from in the past being in the situation the OP’s DH is.

As I said, you can choose to put privacy and your upset first, or you can think about how best to move through this and improve things.

If my DH changed his passwords that would have escalated my insecurities and bought it to a head with things being worse. There’s a way to avoid that.

It’s the OP’s choice. Is he abbusive and controlling? Is this saveable? How best can you move this on to deal with it fully and not make things worse?

I appreciate others may disagree, I can only go on my own personal experience and let people pick out of that what they will.

So what if putting a security code on phone would make him more insecure, or suspicious or whatever he is? He is already all those things

Why do people minimise weird behaviour and make the person on the receiving end of it doubt themselves?

How are there so many that have no inkling that, whether a lock is put on or not, its the weird behaviour itself that must be addressed? That you can jump through hoops and it still won't appease some people?

Are we really at the stage of ohhhh it must be a silly dithery woman thing, she's misplaced her phone and of course its the man thats able to find it? ffs...

An ex did this not because he thought I was cheating really, but because he was so fucking nosey he wanted to see messages between me and friends, and to know THEIR business too. Things that were nothing to do with him. I've seen this kind of thing discussed elsewhere too.
Not that the reason matters - its still bad behaviour. Answering my phone if Im out of the room, I don't mind. Nosing through my phone on the sly - I absolutely do mind, and place not a shred of blame on the OP for this

If a friend confides in you, has something important to tell you and has text you as part of that conversation then its plain nasty for someone to assume the right to read, simply because they are your partner.

Its not on and there really needs to be forethought regarding unacceptable behaviour being minimised.

If someone feels the need to go through their partners phone then there is a trust issue.

Funny story, I once woke in the middle of the night to my ex holding my finger on my phone to unlock it. He was the cheating one.

If you are worried get a lock code on it - it’s an invasion of privacy and I’d feel uncomfortable, even with nothing to hide.

Funny story, I once woke in the middle of the night to my ex holding my finger on my phone to unlock it. He was the cheating one

I know it’s not funny, but the picture I got on my head reading that gave me many uncontrolled giggles. That must have been a wtf moment right there!