What would you do?

[user1479246102]

Bit of a background....I have 2 children 5 and 7 whos dad had an emotional affair and left a few years ago...we got a divorce and both been in new relationships for a while..me and my fiance have a 3 month old boy.
We are looking to move house soon as my ex is taking me to court to do so. Anyway..my fiance is in the army and has just been posted to a new barracks 2 hours away. My dilemma is should we all move together 2 hours away or should me and my 3 children stay around here??
If we move away my 2 primary aged children will need to change schools (which I was thinking about doing anyway as we have been having issues with that school) also moving them 2 hours away from their Dad, which he sees them every other weekend usually, but thats it...he doesnt see them during the week or any half terms.

If we stay here it means my fiance wouldnt get to come home much as he would be working sone weekends too meaning he wont get to be around our son in his first year and my other two children would miss him too.

Im going to speak to my 7 year old to see what her thoughts are on the situation but would like some of your thougts please too. If we were to move we would probably get married first so we could move into military accomodation and that will help us save for a better deposit for a house.

As an army brat myself I'd say there are pros and cons, you know your dc better. My thoughts:

2 hours isn't that far away re your older children seeing their dad.
Army community provides a lot of support and are very familiar with blended family situations as divorce rates are high.
He's your fiancé so you've already agreed to marry him, you knew he was army, following him around is really part of that, bit unfair to agree to marry him to have a child with him without doing that. It's hard enough with being sent overseas without being in a difficult position re your family when "home".
What are the schools like near his barracks?
Do your DC make new friends easily? Are they extroverts or introverts?
You talk of saving for a deposit on a permanent home - are you both from same home town? If not where will this house be?
Is he squaddie or officer? Makes a difference in terms of quarters, squaddie quarters can be quite basic but you can make it your own.

Any questions feel free to ask. My bro and I loved being brats, but sis hated it. I loved going to new places, experiencing new ideas and communities and making new friends - many of whom are still good friends 30+ years later.

I was also briefly an army wife and enjoyed that very much too, if I coulda stayed an army wife without stating with ex I'd have done so

Hi..thanks for your reply. Its catterick we would be moving to...had a look at the schools arpund there and they seem pretty good...hes a squaddie so yes the housing would be basic but like you say we can make it our own and it wont be forever.

As for our forever home, im not sure where we would go yet...I wouldnt want to uproot the kids too much but we could go anywhere really as apart from my childrens dad we have no family anywhere! Its just us.(another story!) I dont want to take the kids too far away from their Dad but if im being honest I dont think they would be that bothered, but I as their mum am and hink they should have a relationship with him.

I dont really get why you would accept to become engaged to an army guy and then go ahead with having a kid with him if you werent planning on rolling with it and doing the moving around/barracks thing. Its part of the package, no?

Also think its a lot of responsibility to put on a 7 year old, asking her for her thoughts.

Make your decision and then tell her whats happening.

I was always planning on getting married to him of course, but not until next year...I know its alot to put on a 7 year old, but im not going to keep it from her...she has a right to an opinion too...shes quite mature for her age. Im not going to ask her what she thinks we should do...more get her feelings on it. If she isnt happy about it i wont move, my children come first.

I feel you should move. I'm sure it was on the cards eventually and better to do it now with the kids young (and not in secondary school). And as you are having to move anyway...
As PP have said, two hours away isn't so far and the ex only sees them EOW. This is still very manageable (for dads that are interested, that is).
You need to build your new life with the fiance. Now would be a good time.
Unless, of course, you prefer to maintain your own residence separate to DP.

I wouldn't leave it up to a 7 year old, btw. Kids are very resilient and adaptable.

Whether your kids come first or not, 7 is far too young to be able to make a rational judgement on this. Your job as a parent is to take all the factors into account, as you've done in your post, and make a decision based on the interests of the whole family.

What she says she wants now, could change next week. She has no idea how she'll feel if you did move. And you need to think of your partner, too. Your relationship thriving is fundamental to the well-being of the family, including your dd. She won't understand this at all. She's only 7.

A 7 year old isn't nearly old enough to think beyond "I'll miss my friends" I think it's up to the adults when they're that young - they need the security of knowing the adults have confidence in such big decisions.

I wouldn't do it without the marriage and therefore moving into married quarters.

When I was younger we moved around a lot. I wish my parents had asked us how we felt rather than kids are resilient and will get over it. They have no choice do they but to get on with it.

If you are moving two hours away then be prepared to do all the travelling in order for your child to keep up contact.

If you were a woman posting that your ex was moving two hours away you'd be told that your ex should be doing all the travelling as the move was his choice.

Similar situation for my sister in law. Her husband is in the army (can't remember what rank but it's quite high up I think) he travels all around the world for work and I've got a feeling he does more training now. Anyway! She move house every few years so they can be together when he is at home. They have 3 kids and so it's quite an upheaval but as PP have said, kids are ridiculously resilient. It's part and parcel of having your OH in the services im afraid.

On another similar note, My stepdad's ex moved his young son 4 hours away. He still sees him regularly and they have a very strong relationships. If your ex is a commited parent, he'll make it work.

Ahhh the things we do for love! Aye!

Thank you for all your advice. I think it will be better for us all if we move. But then its the explaining this to my ex, hes not going to agree to me taking our children 2 hours away from him and I think he will try and get custody...and i fear the court will agree that its best the children stay put.

I can't see any court agreeing with your ex. 2 hours isn't that far, it's certainly near enough for the weekend contact he already has. Currently you don't need his permission to move anywhere in the eu, certainly not in the same country. You're allowed to move on with your life, there are millions of people in the military it's a perfectly good way of life.

I wouldn't do it without the marriage and therefore moving into married quarters.

This.

No..if I was to move away we would get married first.