Is it over

[Lolly17]

I really need some advice.

Me and my partner never really got past the "honeymoon period" we were always kind of like a brand new relationship where we just couldn't keep our hands off each other, we would practically run home from Work to see each other, we constantly told each other we loved each other and everything seemed "perfect". Or so I thought.

Then back in May when I was 8 months pregnant he text a woman he'd kissed before we got together saying he remembers the kiss and wonders what would've happened if she didn't get back together with her boyfriend. I was devastated and things haven't really been the same since. He said it was a stupid comment, blocked her and changed his number to prove there was nothing in it. He also made comment that I had been as loving to him recently as usual, I put this down to feel not great due to the pregnancy.

Since then, things just seem to be rubbish. A few months ago, we decided I wasn't to bring this up anymore as it was starting to ruin things.

That aside, (I really feel it's no longer an issue), thing still aren't good. We aren't anywhere near as passionate or loving with each other. We don't have sex as often, I just feel annoyed at him all the time as I don't feel like he's as helpful as he should be at night time with the baby. We argue loads over "nothing" topics. I've said a few times that I'm thinking of going and if it wasn't for or little one, I'd have been gone.

He's BEGGED me to stay and promised things will get better. But we had a big argument on Saturday as he thinks I "pushed him away" during sex. I said this was the last straw. We can't go on like this. We just DO NOT get on now. I took off my engagement ring.

He yesterday suggested one last attempt to make it work and that really scared me. This was the first time HE said "last try". I love him so much and really want to make it work, but I'm just feeling so unhappy.

I'm sorry for the essay, and I'm not even sure what I'm asking you. I just wanted to vent and see if anyone has gone through similar.

Anyone?

Well what he did has broken your trust.
It takes a heck of a long time to get that back.
He needs to understand that first and foremost.
Have you had any outside help?
Could you go to counselling together?
Do you have 'date nights'?
Things are always a lot tougher with a new baby.

I think it may be because you're insecure from what happened with the other lady. You do love him and you don't really want him to leave. This also comes across as you've kept the power ie: you deciding you weren't getting on, taking off your ring etc. now he's taken power by saying last chance, you're feeling vulnerable.

I think the relationship can be fixed, you just need to accept the honeymoon period is over and become more "relationship settled"mentally.

How long have you been together?

Having a baby obviously changes the dynamic in a relationship

I think now having a baby is a huge part of this. It can be a massive dynamic changer.

You need some couples therapy and fast.

Often the first year of parenthood is about survival

Although it's not full on 'infidelity' it might be a good idea for you to read a book together.
Shirley Glass - Not Just Friends

3 years we have been together. To him it was a "message". To me, it was cheating.

I honestly don't think i can live or function without him but something needs to happen to make it better because I'm fed up of being so unhappy.

I want it to work because I know how amazing we can be together and how great things are when they're good. As well as, I would hate the thought of leaving for my son

I wouldn’t have been able to forget that comment to the ex and for me it would have been the end. You don’t send something like that if you are happy and fulfilled in a relationship. If he can do it once, he can do it again and I think you are right to be wary. Could you take some time apart and see if he makes some effort to be with you.

"A few months ago, we decided I wasn't to bring this up anymore as it was starting to ruin things"

This is clearly still bothering you though. I would consider it in the realm of cheating too. You can't trust him now, and it's no wonder you don't feel like you like him anymore. What he did was pretty shitty, and it sounds like you can't get past it. What did he have to say for himself, when you caught him? Would he be willing to try couples councelling?

"I honestly don't think i can live or function without him but something needs to happen to make it better because I'm fed up of being so unhappy."

You don't need a man to make you happy. I felt like this about ex dp for a long time. I would cry all the time, and blame myself for not being nicer to him, or for confronting him about things (why couldn't I just keep my mouth shut?). He also tried to cheat on me (the various women I know about, had no interest, or he would have. Sure of it now). He denied everything, tried to make me think I was paranoid, pushed boundaries to the point I didn't know what was normal anymore (was he right, that all men didn't come home until the next day, after a night out sometimes? Etc). Turns out the reason I couldn't be happy was him and our relationship. I started to feel like a mug/doormat for staying with him, and got more bitter and passive aggressive (and he become more abusive in various ways in response). I still miss him sometimes, then I remind myself of all the awful things he did, and it passes. I'm much happier now.

Hi OP - sorry to hear your going through this. Children add such a different dynamic to the relationship dont they. I think you dont trust him anymore, he didnt cheat - it was very very stupid what he did, but in my opinion he didnt cheat. Im confused when you say you were 'scared' when he said he would give it one last try - you yourself have said you want to go and if its not for your little one, you would have, youve removed your engagement ring, so surely this is (partly what you want?)

TBH - from your posts, i just dont get the feeling you will trust him again - and its so so hard for a relationship to survive broken trust - you will question everything, you fill fight about nothing, every little thing he does you will find some fault in. He's ruined the ideal relationship you had - can you forgive that? If you think you can, then yes, totally saveable if you are willing to forgive and forget.

Have you considered relate? Maybe they can help - but both of you must want it. Good luck.

*The breaking point was my best friend, catching him kissing someone else. That's when I had enough, and ended it.

I had a baby in April and I can say without a doubt it’s changed mine and DPs relationship. I feel quite resentful of him at times and I feel that our relationship is still recovering. My main focus is keeping on going until things get a bit easier with the baby and continually trying to resolve things with DP as they come up.
I think what he did was made harder by you being quite vulnerable at that point in your pregnancy and I think you need to decide whether you can move on from it or not. I do agree that you can’t keep bringing it up if you are going to move forward.
So the main question is can you move in from it/forgive it and if the answer is yes then put everything you’ve got into making it work but if not then it’s better to recognise it now

You've got a lot of things going on:

1. he broke your trust (at a time when you were vulnerable because you were pregnant).
2. you've got a baby which is tough on relationships
3. will you wonder next time you're busy with the baby/child etc will he message someone else or start looking elsewhere?

The person you thought he was,he isn't. He's only wonderful when things are going well and to be messaging a woman when you're pregnant with his child is pretty low and speaks volumes about his true character.

Before you're baby was born he texted someone about a kiss.

Where is your self respect.

I have self respect. But thank you for your input.

Lolly, pregnancy and then a baby obviously changes things. I get that he can't have the past thrown in his face at every opportunity but you need to be ready to leave it rather than forced. He dud something very hurtful and for some that would be the end if the rekationship. He needs to fully understand the betrayal and be more transparent onwards. Trust is broken so easily and takes a lot longer to repair. I would also suggest counselling to see if you can both get past this and rebuild trust. Threatening to leave when you don't mean it isn't healthy either. As you said it scared you when he said last time. Good luck OK.

Advice from my experience...do not mention breaking up or keaving unless you want it to happen. Once its out there/ spoken about it is much more likely to happen. I think people mention it to shock their oartners who then begin tninking its the next logical step.!

First baby, first year -be kind to yourself and him.

If you love each other, want to be with each other, but aren't getting on, if you can afford a few sessions together with a relationship counsellor I think that would help you a lot. They are about 50 pounds an hour, and you can find some easily online. It may seem a lot of money but less than a new dress. It helped us a lot, during three separate periods of marital difficulties, which sounds bad but we are both v stubborn and probably on the spectrum! In fact I think counselling should be compulsory. Pm me if you need more info. Be kind to each other . . ..

When the trust is broken I think it’s hard to have a good relationship whilst trying to get it back! And you have a new baby! But it might not all be over, but it does need to change.

I read this book and found it interesting about the “source” of arguments and how to get that resolved
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/0749955481/ref=pd_aw_sbs_14_of_14?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&refRID=1ZRJ0EEXVZFNHT4B8V3F

Thing is, you thought you both felt the same and what you realise now is that you don't/didn't. Your love was all encompassing and him? Well he was thinking about the OW

Have you googled Limerence?

I think your relationship is more totally saveable. Forget about the post baby stuff for now, it's always a hard time and a high percentage of women feel their partner doesn't pull his weight. Those things are standard relationship challenges.

The biggy is his message. Firstly, you need to tell him that you retract your promise not to bring it up anymore. You need to get over it and if he loves you and wants to be with you then he needs to take that on the chin and do everything in his power to help you. It IS a big deal and if he can't accept that then your road to recovery is going to be tough.

Things have changed.You don't trust him,he is no longer your main focus,you have a baby and sex isn't like it was.
All those apart from the first one are are normal whilst you have a baby.
You're my talking about the trust issues to reduce arguments but it is festering.
He seems to want your relationship to work ,do you?

I honestly don't think i can live or function without him

Bollox, of course you bloody can! Having a baby is really tough, but the issue is that he was messaging someone else while you were 8 months pregnant. If he can't see that as an issue, he's a selfish idiot.

But you sound rather confused. You took off your engagement ring, but then you're upset because he wants to try again for the 'last time'. What do you actually want, OP?

It's OK to want to try again.

It's OK not NOT want to try and and split.

But staying in limbo will be awful for you both.

It doesn't sound great. But you need to stop stressing over a text about a kiss that happened before he met you. I was quite flattered a while ago when I heard one of my old bfs was asking about me. And that was decades ago. It means absolutely nothing.

You need to start living in the now. It wasn't cheating. What absolute nonsense. If you don't put this behind you then he will walk away. Because jealousy and suspicious without grounds will kill a relationship off. And I don't see you have any grounds for either.

You won't get rid of the urge to bring it up until he takes full responsibility for it. The more he minimises the more your subconscious will be wondering what other "just a message" type things he has done or might do.

You need to thrash it out, which might lead to a row, but I don't know how else you can move past it.