Dating help

[Saraya21]

Hi, I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year and he's a great boyfriend and is always there for me, but he never surprises me with gifts or gets me flowers and it bugs me, I buy gifts for him and bake for him,
I've never asked him to get me anything, but sometimes he'll say things like I'm never buying you anything expensive , or I'm never buying you anything til we're married,
I think he sees people I know getting expensive designer gifts from there bfs and doesn't want me to expect the same
How do I talk to him about this without sounding like I just want things and not the gesture of showing me he's thinking of me by doing small things once in a while

"I've never asked him to get me anything, but sometimes he'll say things like I'm never buying you anything expensive , or I'm never buying you anything til we're married"

Have a look at his parents, is their relationship very similar to how yours seems?. What did he learn about relationships from mum and dad?.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?

He is not a great boyfriend either if he is saying such things like the above in any case. Do you want to marry this man?. He seems to value you very poorly so I would cease buying him gifts along with baking for him. He seems to be all take, take, take from you with no giving back. I would also consider whether you actually want to be with him at all now as well.

well his parents definitely do not spend a lot of money on designer things but they do spend a lot of money on vacations and things like that, and my parents spend a lot of money on designer things and spoil me as well,
I think he might be worried about having to spend his money on me although I would never ask him to buy me anything and never have,
It worries me that he says such things, I think it hurts more than him not getting me anything at all,
He also told me one day that his mother told him that whoever he marries he has to get a prenuptial agreement and he told me this, even though we both are on the same level money wise which bothered me a bit too,
We both talk about getting married and know that we want to marry each other but not for a few years still
I find it strange how someone would not want to spoil there gf especially since he isn't in a tight situation money wise so I don't know why it wouldn't hurt him to surprise me with flowers from time to time

It is said that there are five ways to show love, and that everyone has a preference:

Words of affirmation
Acts of service
Receiving gifts
Quality time
Physical touch

It seems that you associate love with gifts, possibly because your parents 'spoilt' you in this way. You show your bf that you love him with gifts and baking and other similar gestures, and are upset that he doesn't do the same.

But could it be that he shows love in a different way? You say that he is great, and always there for you. He may just not value gift-giving as much as you, or understand why it's important to you.

I think you need a frank discussion because this little irritation will only worsen, and you may just be fundamentally happier with different people.

There was a thread in Chat last week which revealed a large number of women think men only buy flowers - or indeed gifts of other kinds - if they've done something wrong. Several posters said "men can't win; damned if they do, damned if they don't"

I never ever saw my dad buy my mum flowers, nor or gifts other than on her birthday and at Christmas, with a card on Valentine's Day and anniversary.

Still married, 45 years later....

Oprah Winfrey recently spoke of a lesson that Maya Angelou taught her "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time".

This lesson applies here, your boyfriend has told you who he is and followed it through with his behaviour.

The next time you see him, ask him how he feels when you surprise him with small gifts, let him answer and then ask why he doesn't want you to feel the same?

I suspect his response will be something along the lines of "I've already told you why....". I hope I'm wrong.

Good luck

Stop buying stuff for him. And baking him shit.

How can you know you want to marry him if this is bugging you?

Sounds like a sign of something else bothering you. Do you generally feel loved and appreciated? Are you trying to buy/win his affection by baking etc? If everything else was perfect I can't believe this would be bothering you.

NurseButtercup that won't necessarily work. I buy little gifts for my boyfriend all the time. I enjoy doing it. He does appreciate it - but honestly, what he appreciates is the fact he knows it's one of my ways of showing loving love - he's not that bothered about the actual gifts. (they're not wasted: I'm a practical gift giver)

In the OP's case, her boyfriend may not feel the "buzz" of a gift the way she does... which could be why he doesn't do it. I'm not bothered about being given gifts either. When she bakes something she thinks she's showing love. He probably just thinks she's been baking.

My boyfriend and I have talked a lot about it - we're done the '5 love languages' quiz, and although that was a bit of fun, it did lead to interesting conversation and good understanding.

The OP has been taught by her parents (it seems) that presents = love. I always find it interesting that so many people felt that. To me, presents are really easy and can require no thought. Flowers? Whatever. Give me a man who listens to my bad day at work which takes time and interest and caring, than one who just buys flowers. Cash isn't love.

OP - you need to talk to him.

However, I'm at his comments about not buying you anything until you're married. That makes him sound like an arsehole. Does he get you Xmas / birthday presents?

Why do you need gifts? I appreciate so much of what my bf does for me, rather than what he can give me. No perfume or designer handbag can make me feel happy like he makes me feel.