Why do people do this?

[Overheremandarin]

My emotionally abusive ex used to blame his depression when he would act like an arsehole by pulling away and saying he didn't know if he wanted to be with me because he felt so down. The only man I've been in any semblance of a relationship with since then done similar. He'd suddenly reduce contact without telling me why, then when I'd question it would tell me things were fine and not to worry, until he did it one day and when I asked him if we were okay he finished things saying he felt too confused to continue.

My friend has had this happen tonight. She's been seeing a man & really likes him. Been seeing him a couple of months. A couple of weeks ago she told me he'd told her he was depressed and she said she was worried about him. The red flag started waving in my head at something quite intense being discussed early on but I put it down to applying my experience to her and said nothing. Lo and behold last week he suddenly stopped responding to her texts one morning, so the next day she asked if everything was okay because communication had gone from regular every day to nothing. He came back with the classic 'I'm having a down day and didn't want to reply to make you miserable'. Then it all went back to normal, they had a lovely Friday evening together, and then nothing all weekend. Tonight she rang him to ask if she'd done something wrong, and again she got the down day, really confused, surprised at how much I like you bullshit.

Luckily she's more switched on than me and she's ended it. Why do people do this? Blow hot and cold and leave the other person confused and anxious and unsure of where they stand, whilst always claiming they're the victims. Are they intentionally being manipulative? Do they get off on hurting people?

I think it's just them being unable to be honest. They're not that into the relationship and want to end it, so think of a "good excuse"

They just aren't emotionally mature.

Yeah I think you might be right. I could even understand the cowardice if they ghosted, but the blowing hot and cold and assuring the woman that they’re just vulnerable little souls who need time seems particularly cruel.

In the case of my ex we were together for 4 years, in which time he stopped me seeing friends, having a social life, wearing what I wanted etc. until I was too scared to even speak to shop assistants in case he found out. But at least once a week I’d see him and he’d be silent and sullen and when I’d anxiously ask what’s wrong and he’d tell me he was depressed and was confused about us and I —fucking idiotically— would beg him not to leave me.

It seems more sinister than emotionally immaturity and it always follows the same script of the man pulling away until the woman feels nervous, man blames depression —that he’s likely not even diagnosed with— and the woman tries to make things better till he’s happy again for a time then pulls the same trick.

Strikeout fails!