Where to live

[dotcomconfused]

Trying not to drip-feed, I need to find out how selfish I am (or not).

DH is from non-UK country, I am from an EU country. I have visited his country many times and really love it. To visit. Not to live. You know what it's like when you first meet, everything is possible, everything is imaginable. I suppose when we first met I wouldn't have minded living there so may have led him (unwillingly) on.

Anyway, fast forward 12 years of marriage. DH managed to get a job in my country for 6 years where we lived very happily. He also very much enjoyed living there. I raised the children, studied at uni and volunteered at children's school. The job changed and we had to move back to the UK. He was quite happy about it because he never really learned my language and was looking forward seeing friends again etc. He was also fed up with being the main breadwinner and was looking forward to me getting a job.

We have now lived here for 2 years and I managed to get a great job. It's not paid amazingly well but I get all the holidays off so in my mind it is ok as otherwise we would have had to pay for holiday clubs etc. I really like going to this job and enjoy it very much.

DH is not happy. We don't always get on, he is very unhappy with his job and needs a change. We briefly considered a third EU country to live in but I am reluctant to leave my job because it fits in so well with raising children. He briefly considered getting a different job here but now wants to go back to his country.

I get it, he just build a house in his country that he wants to live in, his parents are getting elderly and he wants to spend more time with them. I totally understand all that. But I just don't want to move there. The pollution is awful, we would live with his parents (who are lovely but I would feel very restricted), I don't know if I could get a job etc. There is a British school for the children but again, the children couldn't do the same things they currently enjoy doing here (don't speak the language).

He now wants to set us up here and move to his country. I just feel so bad that our family will be torn apart and think that maybe I should suck it up and move with him but I know I just wouldn't be happy.

I don't even know if I want to stay here in that case or go back to my country. I spent the majority of my adult life here in the UK and think would find it really hard getting a job in my country, hence the reluctance to go back. Though I know the children would have a great life there.

Everything is a mess and I don't know how to decide anything. Where do I start?

I understand him wanting to go home but he's quite unreasonable in expecting to uproot his wife and kids to go to a country where they don't speak the language and has very different customs.

Also with brexit looming once you leave the UK you may not be able to come back .

I wouldnt go. You have a life you want. You would be unhappy I think

One can't but wonder what country he is from. Is it Bombay? (You said pollution is awful, so I immediately thought of either Bombay or Beijing.)

Your children are of course rooted in this other EU country of yours?

Don't think you'd be able to reason with him as his elderly parents are involved in the equation, to be honest. He's going to be adamant.

Absolutely do not move. It sounds like there's a chance he would never go back and that's disastrous for you if you can't settle.

Thank you all fpr your replies. The Brexit thing has really thrown a spanner in the works. I feel like I cannot move from here until the settlement issue has been resolved and I have some sort of stamp in my passport.

I could perhaps have compromised and gone to live there for 2 years or so but with no income myself, you are very right, if I want to come back and he doesnt, I would be stuck. To be fair, he probably would try to help me get back but how more complicated the whole thing would be.

We regularly argue due to other stuff and I suppose that fuels his desire to leave. Many times I wished I could live by myself again but I would feel very sad. On some level I do still love him.

After posting last night I looked at some local counsellors and might give that a try too. As nice as it is living in a global world, I would not recommend my children to marry someone from a different country. We love his customs and do as many of the festivals as we can but the getting older and settling down question will always be a major obstacle.

Please be aware of the hague convention regarding children. Not sure if your DH country is a signatory to the Hague convention but you could find yourself trapped there with no option to leave with the children. It has happened to many parents. Do your research before you consider a move. Tread carefully.