DH ignoring me in favour of online chat

[FissionChips]

Our relationship isn’t the best at the moment, hasn’t been for a while.
A big problem is he is constantly chatting to other people online whenever he is home. I’ve ask/ screamed at him to just cut it down atleast , he says he will but never does .
I’m really upset tonight after trying to flirt with him via text and he ignored me in favour of some chat room. (Please don’t laugh about the texting, I’m desperate to communicate with him and it’s one of the only ways he’ll actually chat back to me ). We rarely have sex, he mentions I rarely make an effort and I’m not spontaneous. I tried tonight and I’ve needed up feeling a complete fool.

Don’t know why I’m posting really, just needed to let it out. I’m so bloody sad about it.

Really sorry OP, that sounds horrid. You won't get any laughing from me, I frequently text DP while he is sitting next to me if he's being a bit of a screen demon. Sometimes a flirty one to catch his eye. He's always talking to his work friends though 'banter'.

I don't know what to suggest. What kind of chat rooms are they? Is it one about a mutual interest?

Sorry to hear you're feeling like this.

Who's he chatting to online ? I think you need to set some ground rules, eg. After 8pm no computers and have some time together. Even just a few evenings a week. I couldn't cope if i felt like my partner would rather talk to everyone else but me.

It's obviously upsetting you and making you feel like shit so he should want to change what he's doing.

Good luck and hope you get it sorted x

I just don’t know how to make him realise how sad it makes me feel. We’ve discussed it, argued about it but still nothing changes. I’m wondering if he just doesn’t care .

It’s a chat room via an app, not sure what exactly goes on there/topics. I tried to download it once but it was all very confusing to use so I deleted it. I don’t think he’d like me talking to him on it anyway.

We are now sat in silence after I told him he has upset me.

It sounds really hurtful and I'm not surprised it has upset you. There's only so much explaining you can do though.

What I meant was is it a general chat site or is it specific for an activity or anything? If it's an activity or hobby perhaps start talking to h I'm about it and see if that helps? It is potentially quite addictive to him (like Mumsnet is for me, but the difference is that if DP wants to spend time with me I turn it off).

I wouldn't find this acceptable when in a relationship to be honest, and would be insistent on a few hours a night with no screen time. You deserve to have time with some each other, and I absolutely see where you are coming from. He's in the wrong to be stropping when he knows it's upset you and he should be making more of an effort----

Thankyou

Still not saying a word, not sure if I should speak first? Don’t even know what to say, feel absolutely shit. Just bloody talk to me DH!

I would tell him he either makes you a priority or the marriage is over. This is no way to live.

I trot this out a lot on here but you are supposed to be the person he wants to talk to and spend time with the most. Ask him why this isn't the case and why he's pushed you down the priority list.

Online addiction to the minutae of other people's lives, chatting and joking in forums, watching clips of tragedies, funny stuff etc. My ex did all this. Talked to him about it so many times calmly, other times we'd argue. Then I shut up about it as felt I had to beg for his attention and it wasn't a oood feeling.

I met someone else and left him eventually. Im glad, as online fixation wasn't something I was used to. I found it too hard to deal with and I didn't want to, either. Me & OH both use social media but we have a social life and chatting times together..normal stuff.

I found my ex a complete bore in the end. Arse grafted to chair watching other people's lives and activities whilst neglecting his own life and relationship. Could barely have a real life convo with him, without his eyes straying to screen. There was nothing attractive about that. He's till single as far as Im aware. Thank God Im out of it

I hope you manage to sort this out. IMO this kind of addiction isn't being seen for the big issue it is, generally. There''s denial around it. With people becoming more and more addicted to that constant link to the virtual, and missing out on real life because of it. Refusing to accept or even be bothered that they're not in the present and missing out on real moments.

I think you must have spoken to your DH several times already. He needs an ultimatum but bear in mind he may not choose you..Could you get him to talk to someone about it? To get a perspective that isn't yours in case he feels you're biased. You never know, might jog him back to reality a bit

Good luck

I'd personally get up, and leave the house to go out to see a friend or a relative. Don't warn him in advance, just do it. If he doesn't bat an eyelid, then I think you've got the answer as to the state of your marriage.

If he wants to know what you're doing, just tell him you're going somewhere where you're not going to be ignored. It'll either shake him up, or you'll know from his reaction if he actually gives a shit or not.

Know how you feel...some people's behaviour around phones is addictive. My OH finds his phone a convenient way out of any discussion about anything, checking out of home life practically and emotionally, spending hours researching his hobbies, sport, sniffing around women???. I find it deeply offensive. He's taking you for granted OP - don't let him make you feel like part of the furniture.

This is an American study on cellphone addiction but still, quite insightful

www.psychguides.com/guides/signs-and-symptoms-of-cell-phone-addiction/

Do you have DC together?
Do you own a house together?
This really is no way to live.
I'd be looking to separate.
He has no consequences for what he does as you are still there.
Could you pack a few things and go to a friend or family member for a few days to clear your head.
You can't make any sound decisions while he is in your headspace.
Once away - just see how much you miss him.
Or do you feel relief.
If no DC then this is really a no brainer!

Thanks for the link, I’m wary of giving him the excuse of addiction in case it’s just him being horrid. I’ve asked him why I don’t interest him and he just maintains that I am and that we do talk etc (I’m just looking for problems where there are non basically).
If I could just walk out for a night or two I would but I have no where to go and we also have a DC.

Just have to see if he talks tonight .

But he is there, so you should be fine to go out for a few hours even though you have dc?